[introspective] Letting emotions out

[wispfox]

For the most part, I'm _terrible_ at letting out my negative emotions. I suspect part of this is due to the fact that I only recently started working on making sure I _did_ this when I need to, and part because I was so easily emotional as a child (I was a very sensitive kid), and not being able to speak due to my emotions would frustrate the hell out of me.

The problem, however, with doing something as dramatic as controlling my negative emotions while I was a kid is that I went _way_ too far in the other direction. I basically hid them from myself, as best I could and as often as I could. Probably adding to my alienation throughout much of my childhood.

It takes quite a bit (sometimes of time, sometimes of emotion) for me to realize that I'm feeling a negative emotion (although I'm _much_ better at recognizing and accepting it now), and due to lack of experience with letting out negative emotion as an adult, I'm really not very _good_ at it.

This means that I still sometimes let emotions bottle up, because I don't really know _how_ to let them out. Sometimes, music helps, creating it, but the one musical creation method I'm actually _good_ at is my voice, which tends to not behave very well under strong emotion. So this is not a very helpful outlet.

But the problem with bottling them up is that they start being harder and harder to ignore the longer they are trapped. And more and more explosive. The first time I let myself be angry in what was probably at least 10 years was about two years ago. I was quite literally shaking with anger, and reduced to mostly spluttering. I don't even remember the why of the anger, if indeed I even knew it then, but I remember the degree to which it took over. (And I _was_ around someone at the time, but the degree to which it wanted _out_ made that not matter, other than making me recover perhaps faster than I'd otherwise have done)

Because of the desire to avoid explosive outpourings of negative emotion, I've taken to paying much better attention to my emotional state than I used to. I now actually _know_ it when I'm angry/upset/scared/sad/etc - which is a bonus.

But I have to fight myself, fight years and years and years of practice at not letting myself cry, in order to cry. Or rage. Or admit to fear or unhappiness or uncertainty. The first three much more than the last two - I'm pretty decent at the latter two, as long as I'm not fighting a belief in myself that I "shouldn't" feel that way. If that's the case, it's still hard to admit to myself, and worse to other people.

But... the fact that I have to fight myself so hard to get myself to cry (or let myself, in the infrequent cases where something happens which makes me want to and I have time available for it) means that it takes a _lot_ of effort to do so at all. Much more difficult if anyone is around, because that adds in too much extra stuff to my head. Even more difficult if I have to (or feel like I have to) speak - because speach requires me to stop crying long enough to speak, which requires me to block it off for a bit, which makes it that much harder to let out later. Generally, if I block off crying, I don't cry again later without drastic effort (this is why I own _Dancer in the Dark_ - it can make me cry if I need to).

This is why, at the same time as very much _wanting_ to not be alone with strong negative emotions, I do not think I can have others around, at least until I'm more able to let them out on my own. If there are others around, no matter how close I am to them, I will almost certainly mute my expressions of emotions, which rather defeats the goal of learning how to let them out when I need to. Now, that said, I've not been around anyone I trusted enough when I was in the throes of such for quite a while. It may no longer be true that I mute them. I do not actually know.

And. I don't actually know how to let out anger. Truly don't. At least not in a very satisfying manner. But then, I don't often feel anger... I suppose if I felt it for long enough, I'd try my long-time-ago helpful method of throwing a lacrosse ball against a wall for a while.

I also have trouble talking about major fears. I _do_ it, but it's terrifying. More so to explain why they are there. I suspect that this is because doing so is, in effect, giving someone else the keys to my psyche.

And, of course, with all the negative emotions I can think of, knowing the _why_ helps immensely, once I've let the emotions run their course. Not knowing the why of something is easily the worst thing I can think of, because if I can't understand it, I can't do anything with it, and I can't accept it. So as dissonance appears in my brain, I will pick at it and pick at it and pick at it until I can find possible reasons. And I will talk it over with those I am close to to get their ideas about it.

So, knowing all this, y'all can imagine how interesting last night was, when I had lots of emotions to let out, and no one around. Roller coaster city, which I finally ended up stopping at some point. Probably because it wasn't helping that much anymore. I need to find the point between letting out what needs out and riding the waves too much. On the plus side, the fact that I _did_ let them out when they wanted/needed to means I'm much more... stable today than I'd expected to be. There's still a place that is all too empty inside my self, but it's really not _that_ major a difference from what already was.

And having had a good phone call w/australian_joe when I was apparently _completely_ unable to sleep at 2am this morning also helped a lot (including helping me actually _sleep_, eventually!). At that point in time I was no longer having concerns about emotions needing out _Right Now_, so a phone call was _possible_. 'Course, finally falling asleep somewhere between 4:30 and 5 made for an interesting time waking up this morning. For once I didn't completely wake up at 10am. I think I was awake around 11:00, though.

Comments

[rosefox]

What qualifies an emotion as "negative"?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

...

You know, I'm not entirely sure. Let me see...

Unpleasant. Dark. Painful. One where letting it out makes me feel vulnerable (this one got a fair amount of disagreement in my head, because (for example) admitting to someone that I'm in love with them does this, but I then proceeded to realize that the emotion that causes that is _not_ being in love, but fear).

I'm also not sure I answered the question, but that's the best I can do.

[rosefox]

The concept behind the question is, what makes these emotions different to handle than other emotions; or, what's different about these emotions that leads to a difference in coping with/expressing them?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Ah...

"One where letting it out makes me feel vulnerable"

This is certainly part of that.

So is 'uncontrolled/able' and 'overwhelming'.

*thinks*

And 'vulnerable' feels like it might be the major part. There are others (not wanting to freak other people out, not wanting to have to deal with someone needing/wanting me to be able to _talk_), but I think this is the major one. (actually, I suspect this is the root of _most_ of the things I tend to not want to do in relation to other people. This is not a new suspicion, however)

This is probably why I _do_ want to try to work on being able to not only let them out, but let them out around people I trust.

I shall have to think more on this.

(also, thank you for the questions. Good questions, yes. *pets the questions*)

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

not wanting to freak other people out

Fear of your own reactions towards other people?
I.E. Not wanting to yell at them, whether the emotion is related to them or not?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

... no.

I'm an empath, so I tend to assume that everyone else is strongly affected by other people's emotions. I therefore don't want to be experiencing strongly unpleasant emotions around other people because it'll affect them, too.

I think. I think that's why.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Good christ, woman.  You not only leave behind clarity of rearrangement (see comment for context), you take that clarity with you and then apply that focus to large swaths of other things, and that is infinitely wonderful.  :)

(I am spilling over with strange sincerity today, so beg pards, but it's sincere for all that.)

This means that I still sometimes let emotions bottle up, because I don't really know _how_ to let them out.

Yes and yes and yes.

[music]

Actually, one really good side-effect of being a classic rock girl is, rock'n'roll has such solid, heavy beats, and powerfully emotional voices, in ranges I can usually sing along to.  So honestly, in the history of my adult life, the times I would most often cry weren't in the arms of a loved one (close second, though), they were in an enclosure (car, room, etc.), with only myself and music, cranked really loud, so I could cry and rage and let myself fall into the music, and come out purged.

Not knowing the why of something is easily the worst thing I can think of, because if I can't understand it, I can't do anything with it, and I can't accept it.

Yes and yes.  It is an abstract free-floating thing, and if I cannot tie it down with reasons and sources and coping mechanisms, it's not mine to touch, but it still affects me.

---

Yknow, I could do this all night.  :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

not only leave behind clarity of rearrangement (see comment for context), you take that clarity with you and then apply that focus to large swaths of other things, and that is infinitely wonderful. :)

Hi! Welcome to my brain after I purged all the bits of 'eeeek! Transition states that last months and months and months!' out of it. All _sorts_ of neat things come out. ;)

(I am spilling over with strange sincerity today, so beg pards, but it's sincere for all that.)

Yeah, it seemed sincere. :) And I hardly mind being told that I'm all nifty by people that _I_ think are nifty!

in an enclosure (car, room, etc.), with only myself and music, cranked really loud, so I could cry and rage and let myself fall into the music, and come out purged.

I sometimes do this. Mostly in the car, though, because I feel bad for my neighbors. Hmm. Maybe I should do that tonight, because there's still bits of (less overwhelming) anger/sad/loss that are starting to build up again.

And I'm _tired_ of having to check the bond and clear away tendrils that are trying to recreate it! *feels like she's fighting spiderwebs*

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I'm entranced by the transition post, as well, except the words are still a-swirl yet.  :)

As for spiderwebs, yeah.  I'm tired of finding random buttons I still need to deprogram, wrt H.  :p

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

entranced: looooook into my eyes, deep into my eyes. You are getting sleeeeepy...

Wait. Wrong kind of entranced. ;)

spiderwebs/buttons: Oh, I have buttons to deprogram, too. This is... different. It's kinda like my emotions refuse as of yet to _believe_ that I really got rid of that bond, and keeps trying to bring it back. Which is annoying. Because they seem to be eminating from within me, not from external sources.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

'eeeek! Transition states that last months and months and months!'

*sigh* How about years?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yikes, hon. Why years?

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

College. Then year-long internship as semi-staff. Then graduate school. Technically not in transation for all that time, but it sure feels like it, whether school or housing or job. *sigh*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Aaah... yes. Although, different kinds of transition states. And it depends on how long-term you're looking. If you look at things (for example) a semester at a time, it's not so much transitiony. No?

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

*nods* The timescale is always important.

And true, within a semester, or weeks or months, it's not as much of a transition state.

[jirikido.livejournal.com]

mmm makes sense, your feelings are your friends. well, they're not really good ones of course. some of them are downright mean, but you've known them for a while and that's what counts. i've found that i cast mine to the four winds and let whatever and whoever finds them follow them back to me. strange, but so far it has worked for me. hugs!

Letting out anger

[trustme2.livejournal.com]

*Snip* - And. I don't actually know how to let out anger. Truly don't. At least not in a very satisfying manner. But then, I don't often feel anger... I suppose if I felt it for long enough, I'd try my long-time-ago helpful method of throwing a lacrosse ball against a wall for a while. -

Setting: 10+ years ago when we lived in Cambridge and had a really cool basement. My partner used to get extremely angry at my because I was (am?) an idiot, and was learning my inter-personal communication skills.

Anyway, she would name a piece of crockery with the current frustration and give it a good, solid throw against the wall (in a certain part of the afore-mentioned basement). The more pieces it broke into, the faster (she claimed) the anger would abate.

Mind you, I didn't know this was going on for about 15-16 months. I simply knew that the basement trash can was the heaviest to put out and when yard sale shopping together, we always found good deals on crockery. Clueless, I tell you!

I finally found out when she complained to me that I had purchased the wrong kind of mug. She showed it to me to make sure I don't buy the same kind again. I thought it odd that I would have purchased something with a few minor chips in it. And she explained.

Re: Letting out anger

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

I don't often feel anger...

*nods* Irritation, yes. Anger... very seldom.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/_infp_/43918.html

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Yes. Indeed, yes.

Interesting.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Quite. I have a hard time not memorying 75%-90% of the entries in that commmunity.

And even the ones that don't completely apply to me make me think about how they could relate to me, if things had gone differently, or how parts of them relate to me.