(no subject)

[wispfox]

Apparently I am unable to sleep as of yet. So I write.

It's less like a missing tooth kind of ache, and more like what I suspect a missing limb might feel like. I keep (not quite obsessively) feeling for it, to make sure it's gone, I guess, and it... feels like my (mental) hand is moving through space that _should not be space_. I keep trying to grab for something that is no longer there to grab, to test for a link that no longer exists.

Makes me all the more glad that I have a bond whose existence is strong and stable, to grab ahold of and to draw calm and certainty from, so that I don't flail around (as much) about the missing one.

Love does not go when the bond goes. As expected, the feelings remain. Interlaced strongly with sadness, loss, and anger, all of which I expect to mute over time. But the love will remain. And the memories, bittersweet. And the periodic missing of what was, or could be. These things always remain, even when I do not feel the need for quite so dramatic an ending.

But the lack of a bond means that the pain _can_ slowly fade. Means I can stop the futile hoping, although I always hope that those I care about do what is best for themselves, regardless of how it might also affect me. Means the memories might eventually stop being bittersweet.

I am ok, truly. I hurt because this kind of thing always hurts. I am not really surprised that it came to this, but I _am_ disappointed, and angry, and sad for both sides of the bond that is no longer. It has been 9 months. It was time for a resolution, one way or another.

There is a bright shiny could-have-been that is feeling lost and forsaken, and there is a beautiful friendship that was lost many moons ago. Oddly, the shiny could-have-been does not feel _gone_. Only much less likely. And far away long into the distance. *shrug* If it is to be, it will. There is nothing more that I can do.

I waited this long because I had to, because I had to know I had done what I could, I had to know that I tried. I also had to know that I was at the best possible state within myself to do something I knew would be difficult and painful. This is that state, from the perspective of time of year, healthy relationships, and having just done a mental cleansing of things which were feeling kinda 'off' in my relationships with other people. This was the last thing remaining 'off' note, at least as far as other people go. And, by far, the biggest.

A quietly idling part of my mind wonders if there will be a continued reading of my journal, or if the continued reading will be too painful for the formerly-bonded. I don't know, and have no way to. And, honestly, it's better that way. Any future interaction of any import beyond trivialities would only make the bond try to reform (which it wants very much to do, oh, yes, it does). Which, if nothing about the current state changes, only means I'd have to do this again. Something I would very much prefer to avoid.