(no subject)

[wispfox]

Huh.

Ok, I think that, in addition to wanting touch of a kind that is specific and fairly difficult for me to find, I'm also irritable with the sheer amount of effort involved in _finding_ the kinds of people who are as right for me as I am now convinced is possible. (I was already mostly sure, but now I have _proof_!) (Heh - I used to not think people who would understand me even existed. Now I'm annoyed at having to look for them. I never claimed to be logical about this!)

It doesn't just require that someone is the right kind of comfy person for me, although that is difficult enough - I have to (usually) be able to read them with little difficulty, trust that they will tend to speak up when they need to and tell me when there are things I need to know, _and_ have to have a good amount of mostly unconscious and inexplicable understanding of them. And this is completely ignoring that not all of these people will fit with who I am in the various other ways that would make them comfy for me. Which are, I'm sure, not all things I can even vaguely enumerate, although most of them are selected for by simply being someone I have enough interest in to _want_ to get to know them better.

It also requires that people want, have time for, and are themselves in a sane enough state to develop a relationship of whatever type best fits. It's especially irritating when it seems like, for the most part, people who fit (or seem like they might fit) the 'right for me' criteria never end up being _local_! (hell, they don't even seem to particularly want to be local to _each other_)

Sifting through people gets tiring after a while. It really does... And while having examples of people who _do_ fit this makes it easier to believe in the possibility, it also makes me far far more aware of the lack of someone _locally_ who fits so well. And therefore makes being patient more difficult, sometimes.

It's especially difficult when putting that amount of effort in, even when the other person is perfectly pleased with the friendship, doesn't necessarily mean that they won't just up and basically vanish on me.

Hi. I'm bitchy today. It's a damn good thing I'm not doing anything large group any time soon, because I am _not_ in the mindset for it. Y'know, thinking that trying to get to know new people isn't worth the effort is _not_ helpful for, well, meeting new people. Or getting to know people I don't really know very well yet.

I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. I'm just venting... Every so often I do this, because every so often the fact that I _don't_ have a local partner ('partner' is, I suspect, the category into which the degree of rightness-for-me I'm apparently talking about right now would best fit) decides to up and bite me. Mostly regardless of whatever else is going on in my life, although certainly things in my life _not_ inside my head can trigger this. *shakes head* On the plus side, unlike the last time I had this rant here, I _do_ have a partner now. You'd think that would help... *thinks* And, it probably does, when I'm not being all bitchy. ;)

Comments

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's eerily like my frame of mind "lately". With "lately" meaning the past two or three years.

In theory I'd like to meet new people, have new friends. In practice, making new friends is so much damn WORK. And then they move to Seattle.

This is exponentiated when one wants to meet new romantic partners -- this is probably the main reason I don't identify as poly. At a conservative estimate, it took seven years of consistently, constantly seeking out a primary romantic partner in *entirely appropriate, contact rich* social circles for me to ferret out my husband. And there were levels of emotional risk I regularly took then that I just won't take now; I just can't go through that again.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

I deal with having very few local huggable people, even, by having locals who are good for many other things, friends who come visit me, and traveling often.

[majes.livejournal.com]

Hi. I'm bitchy today.

What I like about you is how remarkably articulate and reasonable sounding you are while you're being bitchy. >:-)

Your frustrations are certainly easy to appreciate. In a certain weird way, its easier having the comfort of "the kind of person that would be perfect for me just doesn't exist." It takes the pressure off. Once you know such folks are really out there, it becomes harder to justify not putting in the work to find them. You have the additional combo-punch of having actually met and partnered with such a person, only to have them sail far far away shortly thereafter.

Someone once told me that there were plenty of folks out there for me, I just had to look in the right places. Frankly, I didn't believe them, and still don't. I have the notion in my mind that the kind of person that's a match for me is a rare element - a person that only comes into existence under the right circumstance, when every aspect aligns just so. Given that, it's easy for me to believe that, as you have found, the people that I have that special click with might be scattered across the earth, and the odds of me meeting and connecting with such a person are inconceivably poor. If that is the case, then I'd say you should feel lucky. You found the gem in the gravel pile. You have located a rare and precious thing, and you know where it is now, even if its not in your hands. That seems really great to me and makes me feel happy for you.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

This entry just made me want to write this: I really enjoyed showering you with some attention before working group started on Sunday. :)

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

You have the additional combo-punch of having actually met and partnered with such a person, only to have them sail far far away shortly thereafter.

Exactly. *whines*

Good friends, yes. Actual relationships, no.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

And _I_ really enjoyed you showering me with attention Sunday, too. ;) Much appreciated, oh yes.

(often I think it's a shame you've in Maine, yes...)

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

I was thinking that on Sunday night too. I'm amazed at how comfortable and open I am with you. Definately would like to spend more time just hanging out. Would you be interested in getting together before a working group one sunday. Heck, I'll be headed down to mass anyway. :) I can just leave earlier. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

What I like about you is how remarkably articulate and reasonable sounding you are while you're being bitchy. >:-)

Only in text, because I have time to take my initial incoherent message and make it make sense (thereby also getting a better sense of what I'm unhappy _about_). In person, I splutter, repeat myself, and generally can't get much out.

only to have them sail far far away shortly thereafter.

Well, sorta. I went into this _knowing_ that there is usually going to be a distance thing. But yes - dealing with it immediately after a visit is (as expected) difficult.

You found the gem in the gravel pile.

*laugh* I dunno, I think there was a fair amount of finding of each other.

But... I am one for whom finding one makes me more willing to believe I can find _more_. Just... with time and effort. Lots of it. Scattered != not possible to find, _and_ finding makes it easier to fine tune one's methods of filtering to find more.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Good friends, yes. Actual relationships, no.

*laugh* Y'know, I used to say that.

But, the thing is, I went _into_ this knowing it was the case. It's not a new thing, and is not a change from a previous state. And that helps a _lot_.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Would you be interested in getting together before a working group one sunday.

Oh, _my_, yes! Presuming I'm around beforehand, yes! How does your August 8th look before Group?

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

thus far ... no plans ... I can certainly put you in and work other plans around that! :) Where would you like to meet? Remember, I'm not a great city girl. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Where to meet. Well, we can try having you come to my place, if Andover isn't too much of a city for you?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

'sides - if _he_ can find four, I ought to at least be able to find _one_ more, right? ;)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*nods* I do my best with all of this, but every so often it really _annoys_ me. Like yesterday. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

See, for the most part, I seem to be drawn to regularly taking emotional risk to find nifty new people. And, I _don't_ ever go interact with people with the specific intention of anything beyond finding friends. It just happens that sometimes more comes out of it.

But the effort involved in finding those friends (which sometimes become more) does periodically irritate the hell out of me. Like yesterday.

Of course, I _am_ poly. Really, really, really unable-to-be-otherwise poly. So not being such is simply not an option and would drive me far more batty than the amount of effort involved with finding nifty new people does.

[echospiralheart.livejournal.com]

Email me your address ... and directions ... I will probably be coming from 95 to 495. I'll look it over and see where it puts me. I've never been to andover, so don't know how city it is. If it's boston city, then that would be too much. I don't drive in boston. If it's more framingham city ... I'd be uncomfortable, but could do it.