(no subject)

[wispfox]

Huh.

Ok, I think that, in addition to wanting touch of a kind that is specific and fairly difficult for me to find, I'm also irritable with the sheer amount of effort involved in _finding_ the kinds of people who are as right for me as I am now convinced is possible. (I was already mostly sure, but now I have _proof_!) (Heh - I used to not think people who would understand me even existed. Now I'm annoyed at having to look for them. I never claimed to be logical about this!)

It doesn't just require that someone is the right kind of comfy person for me, although that is difficult enough - I have to (usually) be able to read them with little difficulty, trust that they will tend to speak up when they need to and tell me when there are things I need to know, _and_ have to have a good amount of mostly unconscious and inexplicable understanding of them. And this is completely ignoring that not all of these people will fit with who I am in the various other ways that would make them comfy for me. Which are, I'm sure, not all things I can even vaguely enumerate, although most of them are selected for by simply being someone I have enough interest in to _want_ to get to know them better.

It also requires that people want, have time for, and are themselves in a sane enough state to develop a relationship of whatever type best fits. It's especially irritating when it seems like, for the most part, people who fit (or seem like they might fit) the 'right for me' criteria never end up being _local_! (hell, they don't even seem to particularly want to be local to _each other_)

Sifting through people gets tiring after a while. It really does... And while having examples of people who _do_ fit this makes it easier to believe in the possibility, it also makes me far far more aware of the lack of someone _locally_ who fits so well. And therefore makes being patient more difficult, sometimes.

It's especially difficult when putting that amount of effort in, even when the other person is perfectly pleased with the friendship, doesn't necessarily mean that they won't just up and basically vanish on me.

Hi. I'm bitchy today. It's a damn good thing I'm not doing anything large group any time soon, because I am _not_ in the mindset for it. Y'know, thinking that trying to get to know new people isn't worth the effort is _not_ helpful for, well, meeting new people. Or getting to know people I don't really know very well yet.

I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. I'm just venting... Every so often I do this, because every so often the fact that I _don't_ have a local partner ('partner' is, I suspect, the category into which the degree of rightness-for-me I'm apparently talking about right now would best fit) decides to up and bite me. Mostly regardless of whatever else is going on in my life, although certainly things in my life _not_ inside my head can trigger this. *shakes head* On the plus side, unlike the last time I had this rant here, I _do_ have a partner now. You'd think that would help... *thinks* And, it probably does, when I'm not being all bitchy. ;)

Comments

[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's eerily like my frame of mind "lately". With "lately" meaning the past two or three years.

In theory I'd like to meet new people, have new friends. In practice, making new friends is so much damn WORK. And then they move to Seattle.

This is exponentiated when one wants to meet new romantic partners -- this is probably the main reason I don't identify as poly. At a conservative estimate, it took seven years of consistently, constantly seeking out a primary romantic partner in *entirely appropriate, contact rich* social circles for me to ferret out my husband. And there were levels of emotional risk I regularly took then that I just won't take now; I just can't go through that again.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

See, for the most part, I seem to be drawn to regularly taking emotional risk to find nifty new people. And, I _don't_ ever go interact with people with the specific intention of anything beyond finding friends. It just happens that sometimes more comes out of it.

But the effort involved in finding those friends (which sometimes become more) does periodically irritate the hell out of me. Like yesterday.

Of course, I _am_ poly. Really, really, really unable-to-be-otherwise poly. So not being such is simply not an option and would drive me far more batty than the amount of effort involved with finding nifty new people does.