Privacy thoughts

[wispfox]

This was something that I was putting on my user info page, but thought I also ought to post it. I shall link to it from there, I think.

Privacy thoughts. I'm mostly a very open person. I'm also someone who needs to talk to those I'm close to about stuff. To this end, if you tell me stuff and _don't_ tell me it's not to be shared with those I tend to go to for needed conversation, it's not safe to assume that I won't. I might not; there are things which ping my 'not to be talked about' filters even without it being specifically stated, but I also might. Currently, the "people I regularly talk to about stuff" category includes australian_joe, because, well, partner! I believe it also includes aelisdeliria because she's a good friend and she's my roommate, so she gets to hear my babbles.

There are certainly others that I talk to about stuff, but it's less regular, and therefore much less likely to be hit by the other-people's-privacy-concerns filter.

Anyway, this is not to say that I don't keep secrets, because I do and can - I'm just not the best as being able to tell what people might think should be secret. As well, if you tell me/I experience something which directly affects me, I cannot promise to not talk to australian_joe and/or aelisdeliria about it, because things that affect me need to be talked about. I cannot, and should not for my own sanity, make that promise.

Interestingly, I think I treat aelisdeliria like a local partner, at least as far as what I talk to her about. This is probably because I desperately need that 'who can I talk to _right now_' outlet, and she seems fine with being that for me. I shall go state this to her, now that I've realized it, because it probably needs to be stated and confirmed.

Comments

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I will add for the sake of anyone else reading this that I am quite fine with wispfox keeping other peoples' secrets from me. I say this because I know some partners have a policy of "keep nothing from each other", which I definitely do *not* follow.

(Example #1: If a third party tells me something, asks me to keep it confidential, and it does not seem to either of us to have any relevance to or impact on any of my partners, then I don't tell any of my partners. I am likewise fine with being on the other end of that.)

For myself, I tend to work on an "opt out" basis. Unless I've said specifically otherwise, anything I say about myself is fine to share.

Interestingly, I am *more* private about sharing details *between* partners than I am about sharing details about partners with non-partners. This is because I strive to keep strong boundaries between each of my serious relationships.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

some partners have a policy of "keep nothing from each other"

That's... odd. I mean, if something affects me/one of my partners (*blink* Theoretically, since that isn't plural right now), then I want to be able to talk about it. But if it doesn't? *shakes head in confusion* (and yes, if something is wanted to be kept secret for positive surprise factor, I can do that, too)

Your example makes perfect sense to me, and if not another wording of what I was trying to say above, seems similar enough to that.

Unless I've said specifically otherwise, anything I say about myself is fine to share.

I _think_ this is also true about me, in that I can't find any examples where it would _not_ be (if it really _is_ only about me that I was talking), but I'm not quite sure enough yet to state that as fact. Weird. Ok, I'm really going to bed now. Really.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Partner policies - I've heard of a couple who explicitly tell all of their other relationships something along the lines of "if you tell me anything, you're also telling it to my primary partner".

I'm quite squicked by that, actually, and I know it caused them some problems with some of their other partners.

Yes, I agree with you in terms of "if I'm bothered by something, I'd like to have access to my partner(s) to help me talk it through", but that's a preference, not a requirement.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I agree with you in terms of "if I'm bothered by something, I'd like to have access to my partner(s) to help me talk it through", but that's a preference, not a requirement.

For me, it _is_ a requirement, at least that I be able to. If I don't have the ability to _do_ so, it's not going to be an insanely huge deal, as it's rare that I need to talk about things _right now_. But I need to know that someone else's privacy concerns are not going to override my mental health, and my mental health requires that I can talk to other people about things in my head. Thus my comment about not being able to promise privacy for things that affect me. I can promise that I won't talk beyond a small number of partner or partner-like people, though.

heard of a couple who explicitly tell all of their other relationships something along the lines of "if you tell me anything, you're also telling it to my primary partner".

... I think I actually know a couple like this, and while it's certainly not how _I_ would work, I can work with that. But then, I like and am reasonably comfortable with both of them. Quite literally, anything I tell one, I'm fine with the other knowing, even if there were no such clause.

But, for the most part, that kind of policy seems strange to me, and would not work well for me. Which almost certainly means that I could never be involved beyond friendship with anyone with that policy. Interesting. I don't think I knew this until right now.

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

and my mental health requires that I can talk to other people about things in my head

Yes, but there is a grey area between when it's about me and things in my head, and about my reaction to somebody else's confidences. I'm not arguing though! Part of being partners for me is entanglement, and that includes being able to casually resort to each other's brain for second opinions. I don't *require* it, and am fine with it not being available for a specific issue or topic, but I prefer that the option exist (even if not exercised).


Which almost certainly means that I could never be involved beyond friendship with anyone with that policy.

In the case I'm thinking of, I think this was a policy they evolved and retrofitted to existing relationships - if I'm recalling that correctly, it bothers me immensely. I also could not be involved with anyone who does that.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

there is a grey area between when it's about me and things in my head, and about my reaction to somebody else's confidences.

Yes... but I decided a while ago that if my reaction to someone else's confidences was a strong enough one that I needed to talk about it, I _had_ to have that option. Or it'd drive me batty. It doesn't tend to happen, mind you, unless it _does_ somehow affect me as well as the person who was talking to me.

being able to casually resort to each other's brain for second opinions. [...] prefer that the option exist (even if not exercised).

Yes.

I think this was a policy they evolved and retrofitted to existing relationships - if I'm recalling that correctly, it bothers me immensely.

Oh. My. That's... _wrong_, in my head. Wow. Ick!

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Agreement on all counts!!

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

"if you tell me anything, you're also telling it to my primary partner"

*blinkblink* The entire concept is a badness to me, but it got even worse with the rest of the thread...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yes. Some people are strange!

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

And this is a prime example of strange in a notgood way. Then again, I also don't understand many people's ability to freely babble about themselves and current thingies in their lives. To anyone and everyone.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* Which, to some extent, I do. :)

*babbly*

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can undeniably babble. I just babble to selective people about selective topics.

And I can also be very quiet.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I just babble to selective people about selective topics.

So do I. But as compared with many other people, I'm less selective about _which_ topics. (of course, people who only read my LJ _don't_ see how much email, and what the topics there are, I tend to send out in a week. ;)

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

I wasn't directly affected by it; I merely read about it elsewhere, and knew one of the third-parties who were affected by it. So I dunno if I'm remembering or understanding correctly.

But yeah, if it *was* as I've been saying... [shiver]

[jedi-diplomat.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way. And what pings my "don't talk about that with anyone else" filter is not always what would ping other people's privacy filter. Sometimes I think mine needs to be readjusted. But I had a very good friend of mine that would tell me things and preface them with "don't mention this to anyone else" which then straight into my privacy filter and while I lie very very very badly, I can and do go "don't know, you'll have to ask them." line. *nod nod*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

And what pings my "don't talk about that with anyone else" filter is not always what would ping other people's privacy filter.

Oh, very much ditto. :)