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rambly, polyamory
May. 27th, 2009 12:45 pmSometimes I am surprised by the conversations I have when I come out as unusual (in any of the ways that I am) to people.
I have had more conversations about face blindness & polyamory with random co-workers than I would _ever_ have expected.
And it's so... _sad_ when I run into people who probably should be poly, but for cultural expectations and the ways that has affected their live paths.
It frustrates me so much that cheating is defined, in this culture at least, as someone in a committed relationship having sex with someone else. That's too specific, and doesn't leave open the possibility of _talking_ to people about it to figure out what is actually ok and not ok.
For reference, cheating is - in my world - not sticking to relationship boundaries/agreements, whatever they are. For most people, yes, sexual relations with someone not their partner would be cheating. Some of those relationships have even discussed it and agreed on that as part of their relationship boundaries. But never having discussed it seems broken. This is coming, of course, from the perspective of someone who is poor at picking up on cultural expectations and thus prefers discussion so that she has any idea what is expected of her and so that she knows if a relationship will simply not be possible.
I don't mind monogamy when it is right for the people in question. I don't understand it, but it doesn't _bother_ me. I don't mind it when the people in a relationship actually talk to each other. I do mind it when relationships are built on cultural norms, and not questioned, not discussed. When people cannot even have close friendships with people of the gender of their partner because said partner feels threatened. And somehow, this is not only ok but accepted and encouraged in popular culture. Or so it seems. Why is this ok? Why is this a good thing?
I have had more conversations about face blindness & polyamory with random co-workers than I would _ever_ have expected.
And it's so... _sad_ when I run into people who probably should be poly, but for cultural expectations and the ways that has affected their live paths.
It frustrates me so much that cheating is defined, in this culture at least, as someone in a committed relationship having sex with someone else. That's too specific, and doesn't leave open the possibility of _talking_ to people about it to figure out what is actually ok and not ok.
For reference, cheating is - in my world - not sticking to relationship boundaries/agreements, whatever they are. For most people, yes, sexual relations with someone not their partner would be cheating. Some of those relationships have even discussed it and agreed on that as part of their relationship boundaries. But never having discussed it seems broken. This is coming, of course, from the perspective of someone who is poor at picking up on cultural expectations and thus prefers discussion so that she has any idea what is expected of her and so that she knows if a relationship will simply not be possible.
I don't mind monogamy when it is right for the people in question. I don't understand it, but it doesn't _bother_ me. I don't mind it when the people in a relationship actually talk to each other. I do mind it when relationships are built on cultural norms, and not questioned, not discussed. When people cannot even have close friendships with people of the gender of their partner because said partner feels threatened. And somehow, this is not only ok but accepted and encouraged in popular culture. Or so it seems. Why is this ok? Why is this a good thing?
