wispfox | Feb. 7th, 2005

Feb. 7th, 2005

Y'know, considering how much sun I got this past weekend (lots! Yay strange spring-like weather!), I should _not_ be tired after being in bed for 10 hours (typo: years). Stupid restless sleep and insufficiently bright February sunlight.

I need to remember to call my doc and attempt to get another appointment relating to sleep apnea. But I want to get the stuff relating to my damn kidneys straightened out, first!

I had forgotten how weirded out I can get by not having anyone else at home for long periods of time.

I mean, I like having the option for time to myself, but I also really like having the option to natter with no planning required.

I'm really starting to notice the fact that no one else is home but my cat, because I'm finding myself periodically wanting to chat about nothing much (as well as about things of substance, but that seems less strange) _at the same time_ as wanting to have time to myself. And at the same time as being really strongly against both phones and unexpected occurances. This makes it rather difficult to have no-planning-required (or even planning-required, if I want to be social and not social at the same time!) random nattering when I have no one around at home! (at least when people I am sharing living space with are around, I can often enough get some time randomly chatting, and then get time to myself. Or vis versa)

Stupid low energy time of year. Fascinatingly, I appear to be managing (entirely unintentionally) to be in a weird social space where I'm being social too often to fully satiate my need for time to myself, but not too often for it to be an active problem (at least as of yet). And, hopefully, often enough that the lack of people at home doesn't become a real problem.

Considering how difficult I find it to find people I can live with (there's a reason I live somewhere that I can choose to have no roommate!), it's ironic that I'm really not very good at living alone. At least this time of year!

Meh. *grumpy*

I dislike the fact that, because of my delays for processing on things, it's _much_ too frequent that I want to talk to people about stuff after I am no longer with them, generally after a day or two has passed. (This can be interesting in the case of me living with someone, because I tend to have to pay more attention to determine if there are things I need to be processing on but haven't due to not having a natural break in interaction - I don't count work as a useful break, since I can't really do intensive processing at work. On the other hand, with someone I live with, it's generally easier to find time for conversing)

This is really annoying to me, because it means I use either email - which isn't real-time but which I can write any time I want - or phone - which is real-time, is currently a low-level annoyance (more so with no warning, unless I happen to not be doing _anything_ right then), and is something for which I have to manage to remember what I wanted to say during the time I'm actually on the phone.

Hmm. I think this may at least partly be annoying me because I'm grumpy, and not the other way around. I think this because, for many things, email is still my preferred medium (because writing & reading are lower effort for me than speaking or listening, and most of the time I don't feel any particular urgency for my conversations). I think I'm actually especially annoyed by this aspect of myself because I'm overreacting to not having anyone _home_ with me to talk to, so want other ways to talk to people I'm close to.

Huh. Fascinating.

Because, well, I don't want _all_ my posts today to be bithcy ones!

-Sunlight and oddly warm weather
-Went for a walk a bit ago, and I feel a bit less... under-the-skin and inside-the-brain itchy
-My co-workers know to leave me alone when my earphones are on. Music _and_ lack of people!
-No plans tonight!
-Books. Lots of books.
-Soft fuzzy petable things. Perhaps I should bring one of them to work, for the soothing properties of petting soft fuzzy things.
-One fewer meetings today than I expected to have
-Everything that I am frequently happy about is still around for me to be happy about.
-Pretty music in my ears

Seen on and copied from

wolfkitn's journal, here:

I saw a woman sleeping.
In her sleep, she dreamt Life stood before her, and held in each hand a gift;
In the one hand love, in the other freedom.

And She said to the woman, "Choose --"
The woman waited long:
And she said, "Freedom."
And Life said, "Thou hast well chosen. If thou hadst said 'love' I would have given the that thou didst ask for, and I would have gone from thee, and returned to thee no more."
Now, the day will come when I shall return; in that day I shall bear both gifts in one hand."

I heard the woman laugh in her sleep.

-- Olive Schreiner

for the sake of full attribution, it is copyrighted thus:

(c) 1980, RLM/Northland Poster Collective, P.O. Box 7096, Minneapolis, MN 55407

--

I haven't needed to make that choice in a while, because those I love give me the freedom I need. Freedom has always tended to win when I had to make that choice, although sometimes it took me a while to make it.

Seen on and copied from

http://www.theoriginalsushipillow.com/pages/1/index.htm

Ok, having someone comment that I'm doing better this winter was _not_ to be interpreted as me needing a reminder of what winters are normally like for me. Seriously.

Whoever claimed that the ability to question if one is sane means that one is sane is wrong. I'm perfectly capable of looking at the inside of my head right now, seeing the fact that I'm ridiculously sad for no apparent reason, wanting to sleep more or less constantly even though that's not something I can actually do, desperately wanting to hide/escape from everything, intensely irritable but not actually particularly overstim'd, and hating people in general, and deciding that I am, in fact, not particularly rational or sane right now.

Also, that was one hell of a run-on sentence.

Without SAM-e this time of year, I'd be in a 'Too depressed/down to care' state right now. With SAM-e, I appear to get to have the inconsistent state where I tend to really desperately want uppers (any/all uppers - this is part of why I'm so damn careful about uppers) and keep forgetting that SAD is a factor in things, instead. That normally has tended to happen from late Nov-Dec, and then again from March-April sometime. On one hand, sure - it's nice that this appear to affect me for far less time. On the other hand, I really really _hate_ the intermediate state.

Because of the dramatically non-rational state of my mind right now, I'm going to attempt to not post anything actually about the inside of my head until I feel a bit more rational. We'll see how well I manage. And we'll see how many times I forget that my random irrationality is seasonal. This may mean I post mostly links to other people for the rest of this month.

Fucking February. And I've been using my damn light regularly, and going outside a _lot_ because it's been nice out! (Also, I don't think the additional dose of SAM-e each day is actually having any effect)