[link, and a thought]

[wispfox]

starandrea asked Do you know how alarming it is to realize that you can do anything you want?

And, a thought. I frequently get attacked by the inside of my head about not knowing what I want to do with my life. I mean, yeah - right now I have more sense than I ever have before. But at the same time, I have trouble believing that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that's ok.

As a conversation with a dear friend once went, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (still don't, although at least now I have a path which is calling to me). I'm also not sure that I _want_ to "grow up". And perhaps I don't ever need to grow up, or know 'What I Want To Do'. Another thing I often forget is that the things I'm good at aren't necessarily the Things I Want To Do; because something I might Want To Do would have to be both something I enjoy and something I derive sufficient joy from that I could do it for a long period of time.

Knowing who and how I am, I have trouble seeing myself sticking with any one thing as a career for the rest of my life, no matter _how_ much joy I get from it. I like too many things, and I like variety too much. And that's ok. I can have careers temporarily. Like, right now, I refuse to call my job in high tech my career, because it's completely non-intuitive for me. I can do it, and do it well, but it's not part of me. But, at the same time, I've been working toward or in this field for most of my 20s. And by the time I pay off loans and save up enough to do what is next on my goals list, it will likely have been all of my 20s. I spend a decade on something, and refuse to call it a career?

I don't _need_ a destination, a final end point toward which I strive. And I forget that. Even though I tend to enjoy the exploration and searching and such, a part of me still thinks that I should know What I Want To Do. Which, especially considering my intense curiosity, is really pretty silly of me. Am I ever likely to stop searching and exploring and wondering? No. And not only is that ok, that's right for who I am. But is _is_ nice to have goals, signposts for where I want to go along the way. Just... no endpoints, neither in sight, nor desired.

I do, mind you, find it really ironic that I'm heading toward therapy right now. It's something I actually thought I would never do. Even if it does run in my blood. But if I can figure out a way to know that the people who are there actually _want_ to be there, and are actively involved in the process, I think I would enjoy it and not be ridiculously drained. And that is what I'm basing my current education and career goals on - that belief.