A bit more on intensity

[wispfox]

It's useful to be intentionally looking for examples of intensity without obsession, and then have repeated examples from both the perspective of watching them and from the perspective of being involved in them. Truly.

I seem to have decided that, indeed, I do very much appreciate intensity in other people (and therefore, in myself - so I can stop toning that down unless with people who've stated discomfort). And the ways I appear to be able to identify it as being intense but not obsessed are:

1) there is intensity, but there is also a strong feeling of caring intertwined in there. I believe that, right now, this is probably something that comes out in me if I'm strongly in listening mode. Aside from that, I don't think I let that out. I will attempt to do more of that from now on, because... yummy!

2) when the attention is directed elsewhere, it really *is* elsewhere. And, although this may be more a factor of my liking of the person in question, when the attention goes elsewhere, my missing it is a very good sign. I have never missed it when someone was being obsessive at me and goes away. And I don't recall that the attention of obsessive people really completely *leaves* when interacting with other people nearby.

Yeah. Non-obsessive intensity is a very good thing in my opinion. Partly because of the sheer enjoyment that comes of having someone's attention *on* *you*. Rather than on you, but not totally. And it doesn't even have to be for a very long time, and is completely possible to have intensity in people who are ADD (indeed, that's when I tend to run into it). It's just that, when the attention is there, is really *is* there. Fully. Even when briefly.

Slightly related, I was contemplating the times when I tend to be intense - when I'm *listening* (in as many definitions of that word as I can think of) to someone. And I remembered that, at least based on reactions of other people, I apparently have a complete lack of facial expression. Probably because I'm putting my energy into listening. But I find that interesting, as it's completely not intentional - I'd have expected that my face would be saying that I'm listening, but that may not be the case. Interesting, though.

Also possibly related, I think that I tend to have significantly more pleasant/comforting/energizing cuddling-type experiences with people who are focusing on said experience (again, not necessarily for the entire time). I'm not sure if that is simply a reflection of my sheer enjoyment of intensity of awareness, or if it ties into something else, perhaps that it reminds me to be more in the current moment.

I am *not*, however, sure what my reaction is/would be toward people being intense at me who I cannot get a good feel for. Probably discomfort, as I would not be able to get the sense of caring, and would not be able to get a feel for who they are well enough to feel safe. Interesting.

Comments

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

And I remembered that, at least based on reactions of other people, I apparently have a complete lack of facial expression. Probably because I'm putting my energy into listening. But I find that interesting, as it's completely not intentional - I'd have expected that my face would be saying that I'm listening, but that may not be the case. Interesting, though.

I do this too, so I'm told.  If I'm really listening, I tend not to show much expression, unless I think to do so.  (Because of compensating for not showing much expression... ah, the metanests of it all.)

[randysmith]

and is completely possible to have intensity in people who are ADD (indeed, that's when I tend to run into it)

This actually makes perfect sense. ADD folk wander between distraction and hyperfocus; it's the lack of control and the lack of nuances in between that makes them ADD. And yes, the hyperfocus can be nice (both sides) :-}.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I think that comfort and trust are key here. Intense focus from someone who is liked and trusted is a delicious and enjoyable thing.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

hyperfocus can be nice (both sides)

Yes. Indeed. I'm starting to wonder if I inadvertantly select for ADD people, simply because of the focus aspect!

Heh! Unintentionally selecting for a combination of ADD and mystical awareness is amusing... :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yes!

But, I'm apparently perfectly able to decide that someone is liked and trusted immediately upon meeting them. If they are someone I can read, that is. :)

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I have to ask, can you read me?

Intensity & ADD

[randysmith]

Sounds good to me! Of course, I'm a little biased :-}.

I actually have intended to write an LJ post for a while on exactly this topic. I think *I* select for intense people, because they help me focus. Long-term, my attention doesn't seem to stay on people who don't express a fair amount of intensity as a matter of course. This is not something I'm proud of (there are good, wonderful, interesting people who I like who don't express intensity as a matter of course), but it's probably worth my while noting it.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Memories of such things this delayed are difficult, but... no, I couldn't. At least not very well. I could well enough to know that you didn't make me uncomfortable, though.

Re: more on intensity

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it just makes sense that it would be a better cuddling experience when people are focusing on said experience. Giving one's attention is the highest compliment that I know of.

Being able to read people is very useful. There are definite problems with being an empath but they certainly come with benefits.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

*nod* Fair answer, and one that's in keeping with what I'd expect. I do shield myself pretty thoroughly. It probably comes from all the years of faculty and NASA politics.

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

I've heard the intense way that two ADD people can exchange information called the Vulcan mindmeld. I've also been told that it's a bit scary to those who haven't seen it before.

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[randysmith]

Both people being ADD doesn't neceesarily make this happen, alas :-{. They have to know each other fairly well as well.

In fact, you don't really need to be ADD; if you're in hyperfocus and know the person fairly well, this can happen. It's wonderful; the only problem is when you start feeling bad about your other relationships because they don't have the same high-bandwidth communication :-{.

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I've had multiple experiences where I'd meet someone with ADD and almost instantly have that highly multiplexed communication. I can think of three immediately and I could probably come up with others if I thought about it more. What made two of these memorable was that the spouse of the person in question had seen it before and was used to it even if they couldn't follow it.

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[randysmith]

Huh. Very nice. What's the emoticon for envy? :-}

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

It doesn't seem to me to be something to be envious about but YMMV.

Re: ADD hyperfocus on both sides

[randysmith]

I *really* like good, clear, *fast* communication with someone. I really care about being understood. Instant good communication and understanding with someone I had just met sounds heavenly. But imagination is no substitute for experience :-}, so I'll accept your caution.

[underwatercolor.livejournal.com]

This is all interesting to me. :) I think I fall in the last paragraph somewhere, with you. :)

I've known cuddling without focus to be somewhat unpleasant. :) I'm not diagnosed with ADD, but I have plenty of tendencies that way. I don't do much of anything without intensity and caring, imo, anyway. :)

*wanders off, whistling*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I've done that with a fair number of people, and I don't *think* they were all ADD. I think it may also be about other sense awareness...

Re: other sense

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

It's possible to fall into rapport with anyone. It's just easier between people with ADD it seems. I would never presume to say that it only happens between those of us with ADD.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*nods* That makes quite a lot of sense, yes. :)

Re: Intensity & ADD

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Sounds good to me! Of course, I'm a little biased :-}.

Yes, but so are most of the people reading my journal, I suspect. Remember my comments about apparently filtering based on such things? :)

Also, yes. Lack of intensity in people just can't keep my interest in them. I don't know why.

Re: more on intensity

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it just makes sense that it would be a better cuddling experience when people are focusing on said experience.

Yes. But there are people who just don't *have* that kind of intense attention-paying ability.

And, um. Duh, on the empathy comments. :)