Aspergers, me.
Feb. 13th, 2004 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxThis was initially a reply to a comment, but it got long.
no, I'm not kidding about having Aspergers traits.
I *do* have Aspergers traits. I just don't have them all, and have learned and/or been taught coping mechanisms for most of them.
Of course, simply having some traits of it doesn't mean I am sufficiently handicapped by it to be diagnosable. These things are always entirely about degree, of course. I'm not diagnosed as such, and don't ever expect to be. Mainly because of "C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" - the requirement for it to be a significant handicap.
My social skills were *entirely* learned. I did not, and still frequently do not, understand the whys of social skills. I just know they work, and have incorporated them into myself enough to not spend all my time questioning if I'm acting appropriately. I very frequently run into cases where I simply don't understand why people don't do certain things at certain times, but have trained myself well enough to not do them. This is part of why my impulse control is so strong. Social skills also take a *lot* of processing power for me. Probably part of why crowds are difficult for me. And why people I am very comfortable with are so important for me. Means I need to worry less about interpreting all the cues I might be taking in.
My body language skills were learned from a fellow student in high school, and a bit from my mother (but she has the same problems I do, in many cases, so it was more difficult for her to teach me). And are not consistantly useful, even at this point. It's part of why I lose my facial expression if I'm too tired - it's still not entirely automatic to have body language. I think, also, it's part of why I *am* so expressive, facially - I learned that it was a useful method of communication at some point, and how to use it. So now I use it a *lot*, except when tired. And probably overly dramatically, because that way I can be more sure it was understood. It may also be why I verbalize so often.
I quite simply could *not* handle completely unfamiliar situations growing up. This happens less now because I have more experience with life, not because it's no longer a problem. I will *still* freeze if confronted with an entirely new situation, I'm just much better at hiding it. Entirely, completely new situations terrify me. Literally. However, I am fully aware that adding in more experiences to what I am familiar with (within the bounds of things in which I have interest) will reduce the likeyhood of running into totally unfamiliar situations, and have sufficient levels of curiosity that I *want* to do new and interesting things. Even if the idea of doing so scares me.
It's why I hate getting lost, which is why I'm almost startling attached to having maps when I'm traveling places.
Fear of the unknown can, and has been known to, completely paralyze me.
It's why I have such trouble with people from whom I cannot get an empathic reading. My body language reading skills are still fairly poor. Not having the empathy is a significant handicap.
My ability to use public bathrooms was something my mother had to work long and hard to get me to learn. I *still* remember that difficulty. Public bathrooms are loud, overwhemling, and scary. Took me a *very* long time as a child to figure out how to relax enough to use them.
I think it might be why I take so long to process on things that have happened - I simply had too much input, and need to filter out what was actually important, and need to not be worried about additional input in order to do so.
I don't think in words (which is what caused the autism links to come up on my google search). Words are, in many ways, a language I have to translate my thoughts into, and sometimes back out of. This may or may not relate to my strong desire to be *sure* that the words I am using are the right ones, and were understood the way I meant. As well, perhaps, as my frequent disbelief that I was actually understood, during a non-trivial conversation. I *expect* verbal conversations about anything not fairly trivial and close to the surface to be difficult. Simply because it's verbal, and not necessarily because it's emotional or something. It's always a surprise to me when I get something out of my head and *understood*. Even more so when the person I'm talking to doesn't need all the words I'm throwing at it. It's why I treasure such people so much. And probably why I will repeat and repeat and repeat things if I am not sure it's been understood, to the great annoyance of other people.
I learned to look people in the eye because I got a lot of "look me in the eye when I'm talking to you". If I need to think deeply about something, I *cannot* be looking at someone's face. Or I simply won't be able to process whatever it is. My brain just *won't function* at a deep level when I'm looking someone in the face, beyond taking in input. It appears to simply be too much I/O.
I *need* routine, for the most part. If I don't do something regularly, I'm less likely to ever do it. If I don't do things when they occur to me (or at least write them down as a reminder for later), it's highly unlikely for it ever to get done. It doesn't have to be daily routine, so much as a 'when things happens, this needs to, as well.'
Yeah. I'm sure the list could continue, but I've been babbling for long enough. Many of the critera listed in A and B of the Diagnostic Criteria are much more likely to happen when I'm tired. Especially if I'm also stressed. I lose awareness of things not-me, strongly. This means I'm less aware of the effect that odd behaviors can have on other people.
Also - further down the page of the original link posted in the comment in question, there is a more 'down-to-earth' description.
no, I'm not kidding about having Aspergers traits.
I *do* have Aspergers traits. I just don't have them all, and have learned and/or been taught coping mechanisms for most of them.
Of course, simply having some traits of it doesn't mean I am sufficiently handicapped by it to be diagnosable. These things are always entirely about degree, of course. I'm not diagnosed as such, and don't ever expect to be. Mainly because of "C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" - the requirement for it to be a significant handicap.
My social skills were *entirely* learned. I did not, and still frequently do not, understand the whys of social skills. I just know they work, and have incorporated them into myself enough to not spend all my time questioning if I'm acting appropriately. I very frequently run into cases where I simply don't understand why people don't do certain things at certain times, but have trained myself well enough to not do them. This is part of why my impulse control is so strong. Social skills also take a *lot* of processing power for me. Probably part of why crowds are difficult for me. And why people I am very comfortable with are so important for me. Means I need to worry less about interpreting all the cues I might be taking in.
My body language skills were learned from a fellow student in high school, and a bit from my mother (but she has the same problems I do, in many cases, so it was more difficult for her to teach me). And are not consistantly useful, even at this point. It's part of why I lose my facial expression if I'm too tired - it's still not entirely automatic to have body language. I think, also, it's part of why I *am* so expressive, facially - I learned that it was a useful method of communication at some point, and how to use it. So now I use it a *lot*, except when tired. And probably overly dramatically, because that way I can be more sure it was understood. It may also be why I verbalize so often.
I quite simply could *not* handle completely unfamiliar situations growing up. This happens less now because I have more experience with life, not because it's no longer a problem. I will *still* freeze if confronted with an entirely new situation, I'm just much better at hiding it. Entirely, completely new situations terrify me. Literally. However, I am fully aware that adding in more experiences to what I am familiar with (within the bounds of things in which I have interest) will reduce the likeyhood of running into totally unfamiliar situations, and have sufficient levels of curiosity that I *want* to do new and interesting things. Even if the idea of doing so scares me.
It's why I hate getting lost, which is why I'm almost startling attached to having maps when I'm traveling places.
Fear of the unknown can, and has been known to, completely paralyze me.
It's why I have such trouble with people from whom I cannot get an empathic reading. My body language reading skills are still fairly poor. Not having the empathy is a significant handicap.
My ability to use public bathrooms was something my mother had to work long and hard to get me to learn. I *still* remember that difficulty. Public bathrooms are loud, overwhemling, and scary. Took me a *very* long time as a child to figure out how to relax enough to use them.
I think it might be why I take so long to process on things that have happened - I simply had too much input, and need to filter out what was actually important, and need to not be worried about additional input in order to do so.
I don't think in words (which is what caused the autism links to come up on my google search). Words are, in many ways, a language I have to translate my thoughts into, and sometimes back out of. This may or may not relate to my strong desire to be *sure* that the words I am using are the right ones, and were understood the way I meant. As well, perhaps, as my frequent disbelief that I was actually understood, during a non-trivial conversation. I *expect* verbal conversations about anything not fairly trivial and close to the surface to be difficult. Simply because it's verbal, and not necessarily because it's emotional or something. It's always a surprise to me when I get something out of my head and *understood*. Even more so when the person I'm talking to doesn't need all the words I'm throwing at it. It's why I treasure such people so much. And probably why I will repeat and repeat and repeat things if I am not sure it's been understood, to the great annoyance of other people.
I learned to look people in the eye because I got a lot of "look me in the eye when I'm talking to you". If I need to think deeply about something, I *cannot* be looking at someone's face. Or I simply won't be able to process whatever it is. My brain just *won't function* at a deep level when I'm looking someone in the face, beyond taking in input. It appears to simply be too much I/O.
I *need* routine, for the most part. If I don't do something regularly, I'm less likely to ever do it. If I don't do things when they occur to me (or at least write them down as a reminder for later), it's highly unlikely for it ever to get done. It doesn't have to be daily routine, so much as a 'when things happens, this needs to, as well.'
Yeah. I'm sure the list could continue, but I've been babbling for long enough. Many of the critera listed in A and B of the Diagnostic Criteria are much more likely to happen when I'm tired. Especially if I'm also stressed. I lose awareness of things not-me, strongly. This means I'm less aware of the effect that odd behaviors can have on other people.
Also - further down the page of the original link posted in the comment in question, there is a more 'down-to-earth' description.
