Idly poking at my emotional state
Apr. 18th, 2003 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxSheesh, I'm posting a lot today. And not privately, either. I seem to have misplaced my over-sharing filter. Not that I'm particularly concerned about who reads any of this, but still...
So, I recently found myself picking at my emotional state, idly wondering why it is made up of what it is. And wondering at the degree.
See, I haven't really seen much of any of my grandparents since moving out of the house. I think the last time I saw my paternal grandparents was in 1999-2000, on vacation in Florida. And I don't think I really saw *that* much of them since I was much younger, even when I was still living at home.
So, effectively, I'm in severe emotional distress about someone that I don't really know anymore. I have many lovely memories of my grandmother, don't get me wrong. But it's not like we're close. At least not recently.
I know part of it is concern for my father, some for my grandfather, and some for my mother (my father's mother is a very sweet woman, and my mother lost her own mother years ago...). But that's not all of it. There is a definite *loss* there (ignoring the fact that I don't actually know yet if she's gone...). And sadness. And frustration/anger. The last sorta confuses me, but whatever.
Yes, I do realize that emotions don't always make sense. And that I'm over-processing again.
I also realize that I've generally tended to be a rather excessively sensitive person (thus, the excessively strong emotional blocks and the over-processing obsession. And the need to constantly prove I'm 'strong enough'. But hell if I know what I want to be strong enough *for*.), both to things in my own life and things in the lives of those I care about.
Vague tangent, relating to 'strong enough'. Words, especially from those I care about, can, have, and often do hurt me. Sometimes, more (or perhaps longer-lasting) than physical damage. It took me the longest time to understand that people who were apparently being horribly cruel to each other, verbally, were in fact simply teasing each other. Sarcasm and teasing were things I worked *hard* to understand. And there are still certain apparently-more-serious forms of both that I cannot deal well with.
*sigh* Enough of this tangent. It's bringing back unpleasant high school memories that I'd rather not revisit at the moment.
Hell, enough of this post. It's long enough as is!
So, I recently found myself picking at my emotional state, idly wondering why it is made up of what it is. And wondering at the degree.
See, I haven't really seen much of any of my grandparents since moving out of the house. I think the last time I saw my paternal grandparents was in 1999-2000, on vacation in Florida. And I don't think I really saw *that* much of them since I was much younger, even when I was still living at home.
So, effectively, I'm in severe emotional distress about someone that I don't really know anymore. I have many lovely memories of my grandmother, don't get me wrong. But it's not like we're close. At least not recently.
I know part of it is concern for my father, some for my grandfather, and some for my mother (my father's mother is a very sweet woman, and my mother lost her own mother years ago...). But that's not all of it. There is a definite *loss* there (ignoring the fact that I don't actually know yet if she's gone...). And sadness. And frustration/anger. The last sorta confuses me, but whatever.
Yes, I do realize that emotions don't always make sense. And that I'm over-processing again.
I also realize that I've generally tended to be a rather excessively sensitive person (thus, the excessively strong emotional blocks and the over-processing obsession. And the need to constantly prove I'm 'strong enough'. But hell if I know what I want to be strong enough *for*.), both to things in my own life and things in the lives of those I care about.
Vague tangent, relating to 'strong enough'. Words, especially from those I care about, can, have, and often do hurt me. Sometimes, more (or perhaps longer-lasting) than physical damage. It took me the longest time to understand that people who were apparently being horribly cruel to each other, verbally, were in fact simply teasing each other. Sarcasm and teasing were things I worked *hard* to understand. And there are still certain apparently-more-serious forms of both that I cannot deal well with.
*sigh* Enough of this tangent. It's bringing back unpleasant high school memories that I'd rather not revisit at the moment.
Hell, enough of this post. It's long enough as is!
