depression

[wispfox]

I really dislike that I feel like two different people. One in summer (which feels like the real me, in as much as I'm convinced that such a thing exists), one in winter. And in the middle times, I'm both, and sometimes neither.

I dislike that it's the time of year when I have to fight to _not_ automatically default to pessimism about everything. That I have to struggle to get out of bed, that sleep is really restless and thus not terribly effective. That I get annoyed by _everything_ (had to make myself eat lunch, even though I was quite hungry, because I was annoyed by having to eat).

It's not that I'm always sad/unhappy, because I'm not. It's that I too easily _become_ irrationally hopeless/depressed/pessimistic regardless of whether or not I know I'm being absurd.

It's that my defaults are set wrong. It's that I desperately _want_ something, and I don't know what it is. (I suspect that it's my brain trying to tell me things are out of balance and something needs fixing. Which, well, yes. I know that) It's that fighting my brain state in order to have a vague semblance of normalcy is _tiring_, and most of my available energy is spent on being functional at work and getting there and back.

I'm absurdly tired, especially once the sun goes down. But I'm also bored and restless and want people but also don't. I want to go... somewhere. Else.

But, I mean... it's mid-january, and I only got hit hard by this _now_. This is a distinct improvement over becoming non-functional in November. I met new people _last weekend_. And did not immediately become overwhelmed and flee. (of course, being sick for a month, then holidays, rather makes it hard to tell if I was or was not hit by this in November, because when I don't have a lot that I have to do, I don't get nearly as affected by this. And when I don't have much to _be_ pessimistic about)

Dunno. Reminding myself that it's getting less bad (suspect some combination of wrist improvements and being on anti-depressants in winter. Among other things, such as a local partner) isn't actually helpful right now. Annoyingly.

Damn brain chemistry.

Comments

[jasra]

I hope you have a good couple of days. *hugs*

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. Days are starting to lengthen again.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm afraid to ask the obvious question, but, do you have a good light box (or other SAD treatment)? I just started using one, and until I was, nothing else I was doing was really helping.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* I do. I have a light box, I have most of the lights in the house being a better spectrum of light (in winter, I can tell just by looking at a light, usually). :)

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

Dunno. Reminding myself that it's getting less bad isn't actually helpful right now. Annoyingly.

Well, you have to find other tools to deal with this state. When I'm in something like a similar state (depressed enough that I can tell, and trying to actively remind myself of positives just annoy me more) what still works for me is exercise - going out for a run or a cycle and just blasting away at it as hard as I can for an hour. And then I might have to sleep and then I usually feel better enough that I can start doing positive self-talk effectively. (I'm also on medication which I think of as training wheels - mainly useful when I'm nearly upright anyway.)

I see it very much as just a whole bunch of different situations and different tools to try until you spot some reliable patterns of useful tools in different situations. Maybe you need to spend time with animals, or lose yourself in a book, (or a jigsaw puzzle or sudoku) or ...

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

And these things tend to make themselves worse. Sleeping too much yields lower quality sleep, so less energy and more need for sleep. Feeling icky yields less social interaction and less touch, both of which lead to feeling ickier. Bleh.