Who is this 'me' person?

[wispfox]

I am finding myself wondering how I would describe myself. Not what I do, although sometimes that is relevent. Not what I would like to be, or have been.


Who I am...

I am resilient. I am not as self-suficient as I would like to be, but far more so thn I ever thought possible.

I, my life, and my outlook are much improved by people with whom there are deep connections, but I am able to survive the lack thereof. I am whole on my own, but much diminished.

I am almost always afraid that I will be too strange for people, and while I extend everyone a basic level of trust, have an amazingly difficult time letting my guard down enough to not attempt to mask my oddities.

I am generally content, often happy, and very poor at settling for things that are not as good as I know (believe at a very deep level) they could be. I am also regularly unhappy, due to an uneasy relationship with sleep and insufficiently direct light.

I love to share things, experiences, joys, beauty. Better still those with who understand and/or appreciate that behavior.

I am very strong-willed, and lucky. Given the basic necessities, and a base level amount of my own functionality, I have tended to find that the things I truly want _and keep wanting_, I get. There are, however, very definitely areas in which no amount of will can overcome a basic deficiency.

Once certain of what I want, I do not give up easily. Sometimes to my cost.

I get restless with insufficient variety/activity/newness, but function much better with stability to fall back on.

I am curious, a listener, and have a drive to understand. Everything and anything. This is well-tempered by a lifelong habit of not jumping into every new thing that is interesting, because my idea of 'interesting' may not necessarily include the idea of 'healthy' or 'wise'.

I am wise, and it has been a hard won wisdom. This does not mean I am never unwise, however. I suspect that some of what others label 'wise' is actually a lack of understanding of things 'everyone knows'. Especially when they tell me I'm wise for my age.

I am very intelligent in some ways, and very dumb in others.

I am often confused. This makes my drive to understand sometimes problematic. It also means I'm very good at knowing when communication could fail, and fixing communication gaps. Things that I truly understand, I can explain, if I have words available.

I do not think in words. Surface level, yes. Not deep level. Not where I keep my _understanding_ of things.

I have trouble taking classwork and turning it into practical knowledge. This is frustrating.

Most people do not make sense to me. No one always makes sense to me. Including, if not especially, me.

I am terrible at visual imagination/memory, spatial awareness/three dimensions, facial recognition, and names that I have not repeatedly seen in writing. I do not usually remember the first time I meet anyone.

I am very good at introspection, when I remember/am able to do so.

I can be really, really good at nonverbal communication, or utterly useless. This is a hard-won, enegry-intensive skill, and does require me being aware of the need for it.

For a small subset of people, I have an absolutely amazing comprehension of who they really are. Often better than they do.

I am not very good at seeing or understanding the big picture without help. I am amazing with detail-level comprehension.

I genuinely like people, and generally am fascinated by them, what they do, and why they do it.

I am fascinated by knowing/learning/understanding _why_, anything and everything that I can better understand, and even the things that I suspect that I cannot understand, not truly.

I am often gleeful, and have a strong drive to share both the glee and the reasons for it.

I am filled with glee by bright, warm sunlight. torrential downpours with thunder and lightning and clothing to change into after I am soaked to the skin. Beauty, in sunsets, sunrises, unexpected bits of nature on top of buildings or in windows, or whimsy or things which do not quite fit in. Water with visible living things in it, just doing their thing.

I have joy from trees and quiet and nature and climbing trees, watching stars and comets, climbing things that I can climb, swinging as high as I can go and putting my head back to watch the world zoom by, imagining that I can fly like the swoopy birds that eat small flying insects. Being under water, with the way things sound differently, and swimming and moving the way that water makes you move. Causing music, alone but especially with other people.

I wish that I were able to create beauty as easily as I can appreciate and point it out. I wish that I could share my emotions more directly than with words.

I believe that true is not necessarily real, nor vis versa. And that there are many things that are true, and many truths for the same questions, and many questions with the same answers. I believe that real often is a factor of what one believes to be true (my 'real' includes polyamory; there are many for whom that is not real, let alone the question of 'right' or 'wrong'), which makes it much harder to believe in solid truths like not being able to breathe water. Or fly under my own power, in my body.

I am music, I am magic, I am hope, I am joy, I am one. I am summertime. I am also lonely, sad, scared, tired, disconnected. I am wintertime. Sometimes, I am all of the above. I may not necessarily be any of them, but it is pretty much certain that I will be at least one of those soon, and with some regularity.

Comments

[majes.livejournal.com]

Pretty-Spirited Girl has a Pretty Spirit.

And I don't just say that because it looks tasty unto me. Though it does.

Thank you for sharing yourself. I always find these self-reflective posts revealing, showing angles in a person that aren't readily apparent from the outside.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

Here is a thought, something I did a while back:

Describe yourself in one word.

Now do it with 3 words.

Now do it with 10 words.

Now do it with 25 words.

Of course it's hard, and vastly oversimplifies. But thinking hard about those descriptions can bring on a surprising amount of clarity about priorities and True Natures.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Gads... are we related?

[wolfkitn.livejournal.com]

that was really quite beautiful, and i admire you for putting it all into words as well as you did.

[devoken.livejournal.com]

I have a hard time with descriptions, but I like definitions, so I've taken to creating a soundtrack for myself. Anytime something resonates I put the song on there, and then think about why it resonates. It really helps me get a handle on what I'm thinking.

[opalmirror.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being you, and glad I met you. You are one I shall remember, even if I never made it to psinging.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

((feels lucky))

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Please to be not consuming my spirit. I am rather fond of it being where it _is_. :)

And yes. I also appreciate self-reflexive posts, both writing and reading.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Any small number of words means the answer will change by the day, though. Which makes, for me, the answer much less interesting. Also, I can likely answer the small numbers (1, 3, 10) with minimal effort. 25 would be more difficult, as was this post.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Maaaaaaaybe! :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Nice. Now I want to hear the soundtrack, with explanations. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

You are.

So am I. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

It was fun/hard/interesting to do, and as with many of my more complex posts, something I felt that I needed to do.

Glad you appreciated. :)

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

This can *still* be remedied. ;)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Possibly? He's on the other coast. Was temporarily working from my office bc of being a partner of RH, but no longer here.

I'll try.

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

Me.

I am me.

I am an entity known commonly to others as Xtina.

I am an entity temporarily trapped in this fleshy shell, who is referred to by others as Xtina.  Whether I'm her remains to be seen.

[corivax.livejournal.com]

This is a very good thing to write; I enjoyed reading it.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

This was so wonderful to read. You are such a joy and a wonderment. I am so lucky and thrilled to have you in my life.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

My brain just wanted an illustrated version of this, like a kid's book with pretty pictures and stuff. In case I start forgetting who you are for some reason.

[(Anonymous)]

Huh! That would be kinda cool. :)

Picture book me!

[(Anonymous)]

You are such a joy and a wonderment. I am so lucky and thrilled to have you in my life.

So are you, and am I. :)