[brains] Random things

[wispfox]

If I'm around other people who are restless or out-of-sorts, I will also become restless and out-of-sorts. And, spending time around people in that state is effort (probably because I also get into that state), so I either need to figure out what I can be doing to fix my own restlessness or out-of-sortsness, or go somewhere not near people in that state.

I think the only reason this wasn't something I already knew was because my automatic reaction to either restlessness or out-of-sortsness is to do something about it, but my wrists have made most of the things I tend to do either a) not an option, or b) something I've done _WAY_ too damn much of over the last two months so they no longer help very much. So I _had_ no option for what to do to resolve the problem, thus making my own state an effortful one, and being around anyone else in that state is _also_ effortful.

My ability to handle much of anything at _all_ outside the scope of my normal everyday life goes to hell if I have no cope left. Including things that I was utterly gleeful about eventually happening (to me, or to people I care about), when I was in a more normal state. This seriously frustrates me, entirely aside from the fact that I dislike being with low cope/energy.

I _REALLY_ don't handle lack of functioning wrists well. Really, really, _really_ do not. Most of the things I do to entertain my brain require functioning wrists. So do most of the things I do to figure out what's going on in my head. So do a fair number of my non-in-person interaction methods. Especially the ones relating to people far away.

My ability to speak up about things, or realize that things are problems, go away with no energy or cope left. This is a problem, since my body language reading and expressing _also_ go away. And I almost certainly react strangely to things that I am actively happy about or craving, _and_ tend more strongly toward being needy and therefore not wanting to speak up about said neediness every time it happens.

I get migraines (weird ones) when overly tired. Most (all?) migraine meds have caffeine in them. These two things combine poorly if I'm not thinking clearly due to exhaustion, and not being able to figure out why I continue to sleep for crap if I take anything for the exhaustion-caused migraines (note: I avoid caffeine as a matter of course, especially after mid-afternoon, because sleep is difficult enough as it is). I'm not sure if I thought of the caffeine first, or if jasra or australian_joe had to mention it, but I'd not slept well for a week because of it, and it was only last night that I stopped having a migraine.

Not sleeping well does _NOT_ help with either energy/cope levels or recovering from not having been able to tell that I was going into flare on my right wrist again until it was too late. And those two combine really fascinatingly toward getting me into one _hell_ of a distressed and easily upset state. I think I've broken down crying more often in the last two months than I usually do in a year. Possibly two.

I guess it's good that I usually manage to keep myself reasonably healthy mentally and physically that I'd forgotten _just_ how bad it can get if the various necessary balances in my life get off by too much, simply because they all intersect in lovely ways, and because (apparently) so many of my coping mechanisms require functioning wrists (anti-restlessness/out-of-sortsness, ability to figure out what's going on in my head via writing, etc). This has been - in some ways, but not all - worse than the worst parts of winter have been. But only in some ways; it's _not_ the same as what happens in winter, other than that both are pretty severe types of depression.

And it's an excellent sign that I _have_ been able to figure out various bits of what's going on, even if it does feel like I'm still far too low energy than I should be. I'm definitely higher energy than I was when australian_joe arrived, but _damn_ if it doesn't suck to have an entire visit be fraught with me being in a fucked up mental state (and having far fewer coping mechanisms available, at least partly _because_ of the reason I'm in a fucked up mental state). And the fact that I've had to work from home because of my wrists can't be helping, either, since it's harder for everyone to get enough time to themselves if everyone is home all the time. But at least I _was_ able to work from home; things were much harder on me when I was unable to do so, simply because it was really really _boring_ to be at home all day, not able to do much of anything.

But, yes. Even though the fact that I've been mentally distressed this entire visit, I'm still glad australian_joe was here. And I've been glad for having jasra as a roommate through all this (and before this, mind). Good people to have around, even what with insufficient time to ourselves. And I'm glad that those who visited did so, because interacting with people helps a _lot_ with the number of things I cannot - or perhaps should not - be doing right now.

La.

Comments

[jasra]

I wish we'd figured out the caffeine/migraine thing sooner though. I'm not sure where the idea came from but I'm sure we'd talked about it sometime.

I'm very glad that I have been here to help you and that you have been here to help me. I do think that both of us being so out of cope at the same time didn't help anything, but I know that you're being around helped me when I needed the help. australian_joe's company and late night nattering was all very helpful.

I am especially glad that your cope is coming back now. *pets it*