wispfox

It's late, but my brain won't shut up. So I post, and hope it shuts up.

As many of you are already aware, I don't really stop missing people (friends, lovers, it doesn't seem to matter - it's the level of emotion that matters) whom I have loved deeply, and lost. I just think of them less often as time passes, because fewer things remind me of them. But, when reminded of these people, I tend to wander through the whole set of people who fit this description.

It's thankfully a _small_ set - which may be because I don't tend to love deeply very often, or perhaps because I don't usually love deeply and then abruptly lose the ability to contact those people ever again. (or both!) Certainly, there have been times there was space/time needed for healing/adjustment to internally-spawned relationship changes, but that's different...

Right now, I'm noticing myself thinking on a woman I last saw about 8 years ago, and last spoke to (on the phone - I still wonder if she was telling me she was going back home because she wanted me to tell her I missed her. Ah, well - lost opportunities...) somewhere between 6 and 7 years ago.

She was the most intense relationship I've ever had, as well as the briefest (3 weeks. Or was it 2?). She's also the one with the most interesting story of how we met and how I later ended up tracking her down. Which I'm not telling right now (I will tell it -later - if asked; but I want to sleep soon).

I have determined that, on the back of a picture I have of her, I have both first and last name. I had (and have again) forgotten her last name.

So, assuming that she is still in the state she was headed back to when I last talked to her on the phone, I have at least a possibility of tracking her down.

Except that, from what I recall, she broke up with me (repeatedly, but I mean the final time where she decided we couldn't see each other even as friends because we didn't _stay_ as just friends) for one of three reasons. Two of the reasons, and the most likely of the reasons, are still true (me being bi and poly). So what purpose could finding her again serve?

And what if she's decided she's straight? She continues to be the only strongly emotionally entangled relationship with a woman I've ever had (considering the amount of trouble I took to find her again, I suppose I really can't claim that I'm _that_ much of a lesbian sheep - I just apparently don't often find women with whom there is a sufficiently strong connection). That would be... weird. And abrupt. Perhaps more abrupt than I really want to handle.

Worse. What if she's died? At least without knowing, it's possible I'd run into her again. I don't want to have to face the fact that she might be dead. I'm remarkably lucky in that no one I've been amazingly close to has died that I know of.

I don't know. It's possible I could track her down. I've tried before, although I've never actually called everyone with her name in the entire state in question to see if they are her. I think if I were a bit less uncertain about how useful it'd be, I'd probably do it. I'm _way_ less shy than I was the last time I tracked her down, and the effort involved seems to be proportionally more than it was.

She was the only MPD (I think the acronym has changed again) person I ever knew very well, although I only ever met one of her other personalities (a very young one). Which was really strange, but interesting. I'm glad I never met the angry teenage boy personality, though...

I miss her cat. And her (southern) accent. And I wonder how she is doing. And hope that going back home didn't reverse all the hard work she'd been doing to get control of her life. And I wish we'd been able to remain friends and _stay_ friends. It was really, really hard to say goodbye to her, that last time.

Yeah, I miss her. Randomly. And I have not yet decided either way - will I give up on the idea of tracking her down, or will I just do the best I can and get it _done_ already? I don't know. I'll probably just continue with the intermediate state, since thinking of her in this depth and detail is rare. (being reminded of any of the people I have lost may make me think of them all, but it doesn't necessarily make me think of them all in _detail_)

I can't believe it's been 8 years.