[link, and a thought]

[wispfox]

starandrea asked Do you know how alarming it is to realize that you can do anything you want?

And, a thought. I frequently get attacked by the inside of my head about not knowing what I want to do with my life. I mean, yeah - right now I have more sense than I ever have before. But at the same time, I have trouble believing that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And that's ok.

As a conversation with a dear friend once went, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (still don't, although at least now I have a path which is calling to me). I'm also not sure that I _want_ to "grow up". And perhaps I don't ever need to grow up, or know 'What I Want To Do'. Another thing I often forget is that the things I'm good at aren't necessarily the Things I Want To Do; because something I might Want To Do would have to be both something I enjoy and something I derive sufficient joy from that I could do it for a long period of time.

Knowing who and how I am, I have trouble seeing myself sticking with any one thing as a career for the rest of my life, no matter _how_ much joy I get from it. I like too many things, and I like variety too much. And that's ok. I can have careers temporarily. Like, right now, I refuse to call my job in high tech my career, because it's completely non-intuitive for me. I can do it, and do it well, but it's not part of me. But, at the same time, I've been working toward or in this field for most of my 20s. And by the time I pay off loans and save up enough to do what is next on my goals list, it will likely have been all of my 20s. I spend a decade on something, and refuse to call it a career?

I don't _need_ a destination, a final end point toward which I strive. And I forget that. Even though I tend to enjoy the exploration and searching and such, a part of me still thinks that I should know What I Want To Do. Which, especially considering my intense curiosity, is really pretty silly of me. Am I ever likely to stop searching and exploring and wondering? No. And not only is that ok, that's right for who I am. But is _is_ nice to have goals, signposts for where I want to go along the way. Just... no endpoints, neither in sight, nor desired.

I do, mind you, find it really ironic that I'm heading toward therapy right now. It's something I actually thought I would never do. Even if it does run in my blood. But if I can figure out a way to know that the people who are there actually _want_ to be there, and are actively involved in the process, I think I would enjoy it and not be ridiculously drained. And that is what I'm basing my current education and career goals on - that belief.

Comments

[jacflash.livejournal.com]

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

I frequently get attacked by the inside of my head about not knowing what I want to do with my life.

Me too, and I'm considerably older than you, I think. I'm getting better at riding the flow, though.

*hugs*

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

Yup.

I'm getting better at riding the flow, though.

So'm I. It no longer paralyzes me, at least! :)

[ayalanya.livejournal.com]

*adds to memories!*

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
- Marianne Williamson

[jacflash.livejournal.com]

I've always loved that quote.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes, indeed.

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

http://www.livejournal.com/users/bridgetester/103701.html?thread=507157

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

It is quite possible to get pretty far along life and still not know what you want to be when you grow up. :) Except for the last paragraph I want to say, "Hey, get out of my head!".

I note with amusement that heading toward therapy can be read two different ways.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Except for the last paragraph I want to say, "Hey, get out of my head!".

*chuckle*

heading toward therapy can be read two different ways.

Fascinatingly, probably because it's fairly deep in my head the way I meant it, I can't see this. What ways?

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

Heading toward therapy on the other side of the couch, as the patient. It is an out of context interpretation but the word choice would imply that if the discussion were not about careers.

[yulecat.livejournal.com]

Lots of thoughts here - I'll try to remember them all, and be brief so I don't write a novel. :)

I've also never had a clear idea what I want to be when I grow up. Even when I thought I did, it was my parents' vision of my future, not my own. I didn't even realize I could *have* my own until I was nearly 21. So I, too, have been wandering about since then.

At this point in my life, I've realized that I don't actually *need* a career. In fact, I don't *want* a career. I refuse to define who I am as a person by what I do for work. Work is simply a means to an end for me, rather than an end in itself. The end, for me, is survival (since we do still live in a wage slave economy), and happiness (at least as much as I can get in this economy). Happy != rich. Happy = having enough money to do the things I enjoy.

Most of the time, when I head out for a motorcycle ride, I don't have a specific destination in mind. I may have some certain points I want to hit along the way. Or I may just go exploring, with no clear idea where I'm going whatsoever. And usually, it's a loop, starting and ending at home, rather than a point-to-point trip. One thing that motorcycling is teaching me is how to enjoy the journey itself, rather than focusing strictly on getting from point A to point B as quickly as possible (a mentality I'm sure my racing experience helped to reinforce). It's OK to kick back and enjoy the ride. You can enjoy the ride even if you have no bloody clue where you are or where you're going. :)