[brains] Loss, coping

[wispfox]

I miss my former friend intensely, tonight. (Enough that I hate calling him that, but there's really not a better way to refer to him except his name, which I am consciously avoiding using in a large group, public, forum)

But on the bright side, it's 'tonight', and not 'constantly'. And I think that, unlike the last time I missed him intensely, earlier in the week, the bond isn't attempting to re-form.

Much as this adjustment is painful, at least now there is an adjustment I can reasonably make. And the pain is reduced in frequency, if not in intensity. Difficult to tell intensity changes when one had gotten accustomed to something. Things tend to feel more intense to me when there is more of difference between the low and the high. Which is probably why it feels more intense, if less constant.

You know you're dealing with an introvert when the immediate response to intense emotional pain is to hide. Sometimes I forget how totally I can withdraw, but intense emotional pain can remind me.

I think the last time I felt such a powerful need to withdraw was at the end of my most recent serious relationship (my brain is having trouble with phrasing - most recent one I was in, not counting the one I'm in now), a bit over two years ago. But that time, I knew _way_ fewer people, so it seemed less drastic. This feels more drastic, regardless of how much it's needed.

At the same time, though, it seems less total than my last withdrawl did, perhaps because I am close to/comfortable with more people, and because I don't feel that any of this is because of any I could have done differently. (of course, I haven't actually added any social activities to my schedule that were not already there, so perhaps I'm not being any less dramatic in my withdrawl, so much as was scheduled way too far in advance. ;)

*shakes head* Um. Note. Because of the intensity of missing that I'm currently in, please do _not_ offer things like *hugs* and such. Normally I appreciate them. Right now, because I don't actually have any available and haven't had any recently, they'll just make me more sad.

Now, I go watch a movie and eat bits and pieces of things. And tomorrow, I sleep in, see ladytabitha, and have a call with australian_joe.

Comments

Hiding

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

You know you're dealing with an introvert when the immediate response to intense emotional pain is to hide. Sometimes I forget how totally I can withdraw, but intense emotional pain can remind me.

*nods slowly* Indeed.

I hope your hole to crawl in is comfy, at least.

*offers you light for the darkness or to make the velvety dark even darker*

Brood away, m'dear. The rest of us will still be here when you emerge.