wispfox

A year ago last January, a co-worker of mine, of whom I'd had a very vauge sense before this point (I think he'd been at that company about a month at that point), walked up to me at my desk, pointed at my "Babylon 5" coffee mug, and said something along the lines of "I see that you are a science fiction fan. Are you going to Arisia?" (the actual phrasing was a bit more startling, and is why my attention was finally caught enough to form memories) That was, IIRC, also my first Arisia - and _not_ because he asked about it.

From about then until I was laid off from that company (late June, '03), we randomly hung around together, chatting. Tended to walk to our cars together, and sometimes went for a walk during the day, when the weather was right. Lots, and lots, and lots of chatting. I don't even have any idea what about, anymore. It's having someone that easy/comfortable/fun to talk to that I miss the most.

Baitcon '03 (my first Baitcon) is when I got my first real outside-of-work sense of said co-worker. Comfort levels grew, and I stopped feeling a need to have such a strong line between work and non-work, at least in regards to him. And then I was laid off, so it didn't matter anyway.

There were tentative attempts at email, almost certainly based in the already formed in-person sense of each other from being co-workers for months, as we tried to figure out what could and could not be shared (we never did find anything to share that the other was unable to understand/embrace/delight in - depending on the context).

Then there was a deluge of email, partly because there wasn't really much in-person interaction anymore, no longer being co-workers. (There was some in-person interaction - there was a regular social interaction thing, which I still attend. There was random visits at one or the other of our workplaces to continue with the previously habitual walks - depending on who was working where at the time. There was infrequent lunches with other former co-workers. Other stuff. But nothing like the kind of in-person time you get as co-workers in a small company)

I learned so very much, about myself, and about people not myself, through those email exchanges. I learned to stop being so skeptical of myself in regards to energy work, and other such things. I learned to trust myself more. I learned to finally stop blaming myself for 'letting' myself be taken advantage of while recovering from wisdom teeth surgery, so long ago. I found someone else who had a love for magic and music, similar in strength to my own. I found curiosity, perhaps to match my own. I found, and shared, joy. I helped him find bits of who he was, previously hidden from himself, or perhaps who he could be. There were reminders of truth, and shared moments of 'but this just doesn't seem quite _right_, somehow. More investigation/words?'. Books were shared, music was shared, bits and pieces of our lives were shared and explored and understood together.

I finally learned that the kind of person that I always knew must exist really _does_. Even if this specific example was too strongly affected by the fear of actively causing other people pain (and by other people's need) to yet be able to be entirely who he might still become, I still learned what was _possible_.

There was intermingling of souls, sharing of thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, because that is something I always do with deep friendships. I can be no other way. There are things in my head that will always, always remind me of him and of the friendship that we had. And that is how it should be.

And then there was the very end of last October, when the friendship was no more. Not because of something within the friendship itself, but because of jealousy/fear/loss on the part of his SO (I was getting conversation/affectionate touch from him that his SO was not getting). There is very little to me more difficult than losing a friendship, and it not being because of something within the friendship will never fail to make it worse. At this point, I had believed it was a matter of (relatively little) time, because there were things that needed to be sorted out in their relationship.

There are still over 200 saved and replied to messages in my mailbox. And over a hundred that never had a chance to be replied to. I cannot bring myself to delete any of them. Perhaps I'll compress them or something. Bittersweet, those messages are...

There were periods of time during which I randomly saw one or both of them (less, though, because I'm less social in the wintertime, so went to the regular mutual social activity less often). It hurt, but I was ok with being patient. The friendship was totally worth patience.

Then there was last February, when I had basically heard nothing as far as progress, after 4 months, and in the worst part of the year for me. This sparked an email on my part, the result of said email exchange ended up being basically that said SO wanted me out of their lives. This was the first betrayal, as far as my emotions were concerned. Understand intellectually the reasons as I do, and did, my emotions only knew that I lost a friendship because someone else was chosen over that friendship. Something that had expressly been stated as something that would not be done. (note to anyone reading this: never make me choose between you and someone/thing else, unless you accept the possibility of either choice being made. You might not like the choice I make. Advice is fine, though...)

Sometime during the time between October and February, I realized that there had been a really deep, really strong bond formed during the insane amounts of in-depth conversations between late June and late October (4 months? Yikes. Feels both longer and shorter...), which I could not yet give up, even after the email exchange described above. Not completely. I valued what was too much, I needed to have done everything I could. And the time of year was a bad one for anything drastic anyway.

I started to lose a sense of him somewhere in there, and the bond started fading. I fought it, though, until about mid-June. At that point, I pretty much knew, at some level, that there really wasn't anything left in my head to keep the bond alive with. I no longer had any sense of him. So I stopped fighting it, and the bond slowly faded. Once he started fading in my head is when seeing him started being highly, highly painful. Not _only_ painful, but certainly a lot of it. (it was certainly difficult before that, because I don't do well with having someone I care about that I can't talk to! Especially not when I'm so strongly bonded to them...)

On July 17th, two days before I was intending to get rid of the bond anyway, I was given reason to not wait anymore. I was at as good a place for it as any.

australian_joe was no longer in an uncertain state in my head, having just visited, and was a very good source of stability (as well as another example proof that people like I always thought existed really do). It was (is) summertime. I no longer felt like there was anything at all that I could do. Waiting certainly hadn't been enough...

So I got rid of the bond. It hurt like hell, but far, far less than it would have if I hadn't let it fade. I know this. Bond gotten rid of, reiki done on it so it would stop trying to re-form, time taken to mourn, cry, ignore things, get comfort from others, figure out how to deal with the pain... The love did not go, the hope that things turn out for the best for him did not go, the worry that he will lose himself rather than make the choice to do something that will cause pain has not gone. But the link is gone. It will likely always feel weird to have that blank spot.

And... my emotions have treated my having to remove the bond as another betrayal, so I have _no_ idea how difficult it might be for me to trust enough again, should a real friendship be possible again. Possible, yes. Difficult, yes. Is part of why I waited so long to get rid of the bond. And I don't care who it might be about, this kind of thing is _not_ happening again. If I have no certainty about the fact that a friendship with me will only be modified because of the people involved in the friendship, a deep friendship will not happen. No bond will be formed. One thing this has taught me is caution in the face of unhealthy intimate relationships on the part of those I might wish to befriend. (I don't trigger problems in people who are secure in themselves and their relationships...)

Almost three weeks later, I see them again. And it doesn't hurt. I mean, of course I miss the friendship and the closeness. I'm sure I always will. But it didn't _hurt_. And I am relieved. And now I'm certain that the bond removal was the right thing to do. No matter how much I wish I hadn't had to do it. (I do, however, still want to thank

ladytabitha for being there with me - I didn't know that I would be ok, y'know?)

I have also finally learned to let go. So I suppose this was a good lesson in that, for me. How to let go, and _when_ to let go. Still wish I hadn't had to...

I do not regret the friendship, hell as the past 9-ish months have been for me. The parts that were were very, very good. I gained so much, I learned so much, I grew so much. No regret, there. Not as far as anything I did or could have done.

To the friend I once had, wind to thy wings. I hope one day you find yourself, and are true to that self, before there is no longer a self to find. I wish the best for you, whatever that best may be. I miss you.

No, I have no idea if he's reading this. Doesn't matter, though...

Current Mood: okay

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

bridgetester.livejournal.com

*hug* I just commented to

moonfall... trying to figure out what to do with communication from past relationships.

"because they don't have physical value, there's nothing that can be done with them.
Kept and forgotten; thrown away and forgotten... Both are a loss."

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun fall warm upon your face
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hands.
Amen.

From:

cindy-lu.livejournal.com

Kept and someday remembered can have value. I have kept almost every letter my ex-husband ever wrote me, and have many correspondences from old friends and old loves as well. Sometimes when the moon is right I can take out particular ones and re-read them and remember what was before times that became too hurtful.

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

How about kept and remembered without pain? :)

From:

bridgetester.livejournal.com

That takes time, and isn't always completely possible.

Even the happy times are tinted with bittersweet; the unhappy times have remnants of joy.

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

See... I appear to not count bittersweet as painful, as long as their is joy there too, because I _expect_ things that have ended to be bittersweet, no matter what the reason for the ending.

I think I may include bittersweet as 'without pain'. Which is weird, but there ya go!

From:

beowabbit

Thanks for writing that. It’s good to read another perspective on friendship that’s similar to mine. (Not quite identical, but similar.)

From:

australian-joe.livejournal.com

I was thinking of briefly calling you tonight, and thought, no, you'll be at your social event. And then I started wondering how that was going to be for you, since I knew you didn't have

aelisdeliria there with you.

I'm really glad

ladytabitha went with you.

I'm really glad you were OK enough that you didn't need to rely on someone being there.

From:

ayalanya.livejournal.com

*nodnod* i was worried too - almost didn't want to leave because of it. but, i'm very glad that

ladytabitha agreed - i was trying to think of others who might be willing/interested/available/comfortable but wasn't able to get to a computer to mention them to

wispfox...

and, *hugs* to you both. i miss you.

From:

australian-joe.livejournal.com

Hope you're having a great time on the road! It was odd not having you on the phone this morning (and her phone died *anyway*).

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

I would have had to be very annoyed with you had you not gone because of that. Even if it _hadn't_ been fine, I'd have been ok. :)

Hope you're having lots of fun! Miss you back, and so does Ash.

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

I'm really glad ladytabitha went with you.

I'm really glad you were OK enough that you didn't need to rely on someone being there.

So'm I. For both.

From:

bridgetester.livejournal.com

That's always a good feeling... to have support, even though you don't need it.

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

Yes. Yes, it is.

From:

bridgetester.livejournal.com

Cushioning protection and loyalty, just in case you fall...

From:

echospiralheart.livejournal.com

Hug. Thank you for sharing.

From:

randysmith

I'm really sorry, as I always have been about this--there was nothing new in this post, and it still brought tears to my eyes. And I'm really sorry that it's left you scarred. But I'm glad that the bond removal worked, and that there wasn't much if any pain last night--I wasn't sure (especially when the first three people there, with no hosts, were the three of you--that was basically my lameness and I'm sorry about it).

*hugs* Good luck, as always.

From:

wispfox.livejournal.com

sorry that it's left you scarred.

I'm not sure it has...

It's taught me to be more careful in specific situations, and will certainly affect anything that could be with this specific person in the future. But scarred? I don't know that it has.

first three people there, with no hosts, were the three of you--that was basically my lameness and I'm sorry about it

Is ok. If nothing else, _had_ there been problems, I could have known early enough to leave.

From:

danodea.livejournal.com

I'm glad that you're not hurting when you see them.

I'm sorry that you had to go through the loss and pain.

Letting people go is not easy for me - really, it probably is the one thing in this life that is the most difficult.

You have my sympathies.

From:

alinsa.livejournal.com

Wow. This is so apropos, at this exact moment in my life. The timing is a bit uncanny, actually. If only I were closer to the end of the process, rather than the start...