(no subject)

[wispfox]

I've been quotes-obsessed, as I put it earlier today, for as long as I can recall - for words I can read, especially, but also for words set to music. Initially, when I had not yet really gotten an understanding of how _much_ less painful writing was when done on a computer as compared with by hand, it was because very rarely was I able to say what I needed to say. I could not find the words, or I was too frustrated with the slowness of mouth vs brain, or something.

Initially, I simply found expressing myself verbally too difficult. Writing by hand was a disaster, because it took too much effort to actually make the symbols needed, and I would lose the concept I was trying to verbalize before it was sufficiently verbalized to keep in my head and before I managed a brief summary on paper (I'm _really_ good at summarizing things on paper for later expansion, perhaps because of my difficulty with the loss of thoughts before they were written down). I'm not sure if talking was worse or not, but if it _was_ better, it wasn't by much. My thoughts have never been organized in a way that makes sense to other people, not in the least because I don't think in words. Talking tended to result in me completely losing _all_ words, if what I was trying to say was of sufficient import.

I often wonder if this is why I so strongly picked up the lesson from growing up about it not being worth it to try to talk to those I was closest to about what was important to me - I may simply not have been able to _say_ what I needed to say. I don't know. (I do know I was not a terribly communicative child, though. Cause and effect, however, unknown)

Getting online in college was a miracle, from my perspective. I'd had computers all around me growing up, but I never really did huge amounts with them (probably because my brothers were on them more often), so never really _understood_ when my mother kept trying to suggest that I write things on the computer instead of by hand.

So. I got to college, and was introduced to the internet... 10 years ago, almost (weird thought, that!). First experience with UNIX, pestered the hell out of the sysadmin (who never seemed to mind) on how to use it, and how to use the various tools available to me. Started talking to people via the computer, and for the first time, probably _ever_, was managing to not only have what I was trying to say understood, but managing to have the thoughts in my head stay _still_ long enough to really grasp and make more solid in my head. So, I was communicating with others, and I was communicating with myself. Learned a lot about myself the first few years in college, simply by being online, and being curious.

That was also when I had my first boyfriend (1st year, college), who got to experience rather forcefully my interest in quotes. I actually met him _because_ I was in the library, online, so often (the entire group of friends I had at the first college I was at was because of being online so much). At that point, quotes and poetry (often my own attempts) were easier for me to use than trying to find words for what was in my head. I remember breaking up with him, and simply _not_ being able to explain why. As I recall, I gave him a bunch of quotes and poems (which I'm sure I'd be _totally_ embarrased to read now) - I think I even put in the effort to handwrite them - in a probably futile attempt to explain _why_ I needed to leave. Perhaps because I didn't really understand why yet, myself, because I suspect that was also early on in my getting to really understand my need to not settle for things.

I suspect that all the difficulty I so vividly remember with attempting to communicate not all that long ago is why I was _so_ surprised when people were quoting things I wrote, here on LJ. I mean, I _know_ my written communication is much, much better than verbal. I suspect it even was when I wasn't using a computer, although the difference wasn't quite as dramatic then. But I'm still too used to feeling like I'm not making sense - perhaps partly because I really _do_ make much less sense when speaking than writing. (but then, those I get along with the best seem to understand me anyway. And understand that giving me time to organize my words is necessary)

And, interestingly enough, all the communication by written format that I've done for the last 10 years has managed to improve my ability to speak, as well. Having a communication method through which I _can_ make sense helps calm me down and slow me down and permits me to find words to have at the ready when I'm not in the middle of trying to talk. So, as demonstrated by the sheer variety of _vocal_ (and not trivialities) conversation I've had over the last year or so, I'm managing to transition some of my communication ability in writing to a spoken format.

This is _fascinating_ to me, because it means that I'm slowly becoming less uncomfortable with such things. And means that I won't decide to let things wait until I can write them down, rather than attempting to _say_ something.

Saying something important is scary when you aren't sure if you're saying what you mean to say, or saying enough of what you mean to say, or getting it across right. It's bad enough in writing, when you can go back over stuff before sending it. And this is part of why it's such an amazing accomplishment in my head that I _do_ have so many varied conversations that are not in writing. I mean, I _miss_ having insane amounts of conversation in writing (and, well, not in writing as well - I've been much less social this year so far than last), but... it's nice to not feel scared of trying to talk about things instead of write them.

I'm not sure if I really had a point, here. This was sparked by thoughts about my fondness for quotes...