lack of sunlight
May. 26th, 2004 09:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxSo. It's been dark (cloudy) for entirely too many days, and today I turned on my broad spectrum light when I got into work. And I noticed something on my way into work, that I'm not sure I totally noticed before.
Lack of sunlight muffles my inability-to-settle urge.
The first result is that I lose my patience for the things that are highest on the list of things that could be better - this is, I believe, the result of my subconscious awareness of the fact that it's starting to get muffled. My brain wants me to _do_ something, before I am no longer likely to care. This was true about midway/late through last week.
The second result, if the lack of light continues, is for me to get extremely fatalistic about everything on that list, highest emotional priority being the most immediate, where I'm of the opinion that nothing I do will have any useful effect. This was true over the weekend.
The final result, and I think when the urge finally gets muffled completely, is to get to a point where not only am I not believing anything I do will have a good effect, but I no longer care and/or no longer think that I deserve whatever improvements might be possible. I think I'm at, or near, that point.
It's also at this point where I stop having enough initiative to eat decently, and have feelings like 'I don't _want_ to eat something that's supposed to be cold out of the fridge, even though it's moderately healthy and easy to prepare'. This results either in me eating crap which requires _no_ preparation, or attempting to ignore my hunger. Or, if I'm already out of the house, eating out. It's bad when I don't even have enough initiative to heat up food in the microwave!
I really want the sunlight to come back. On the plus side, weather.com claims there will be sun tomorrow. And it's _not_ winter, so theroetically that ought to be enough to bring me back to a more sane state, even though later in the week is cloudy and rainy again. (Dude. Can I send the cloudy and rainy to people who _want_ multiple days of it? Please?)
I think that the above may partly explain why during the worst of winter is _not_ when I'm closest to contemplating suicide. It's when I start coming _back_, and my anti-settling urge is being excessive and fatalistic that it's a possibility (but not going to happen, due to a promise I made to myself over 10 years ago). I think it may also explain why this problem is so much less when there _isn't_ anything obviously wrong/missing in my life; there is nothing for my anti-settling urge to grab a hold of and freak out about.
Lack of sunlight muffles my inability-to-settle urge.
The first result is that I lose my patience for the things that are highest on the list of things that could be better - this is, I believe, the result of my subconscious awareness of the fact that it's starting to get muffled. My brain wants me to _do_ something, before I am no longer likely to care. This was true about midway/late through last week.
The second result, if the lack of light continues, is for me to get extremely fatalistic about everything on that list, highest emotional priority being the most immediate, where I'm of the opinion that nothing I do will have any useful effect. This was true over the weekend.
The final result, and I think when the urge finally gets muffled completely, is to get to a point where not only am I not believing anything I do will have a good effect, but I no longer care and/or no longer think that I deserve whatever improvements might be possible. I think I'm at, or near, that point.
It's also at this point where I stop having enough initiative to eat decently, and have feelings like 'I don't _want_ to eat something that's supposed to be cold out of the fridge, even though it's moderately healthy and easy to prepare'. This results either in me eating crap which requires _no_ preparation, or attempting to ignore my hunger. Or, if I'm already out of the house, eating out. It's bad when I don't even have enough initiative to heat up food in the microwave!
I really want the sunlight to come back. On the plus side, weather.com claims there will be sun tomorrow. And it's _not_ winter, so theroetically that ought to be enough to bring me back to a more sane state, even though later in the week is cloudy and rainy again. (Dude. Can I send the cloudy and rainy to people who _want_ multiple days of it? Please?)
I think that the above may partly explain why during the worst of winter is _not_ when I'm closest to contemplating suicide. It's when I start coming _back_, and my anti-settling urge is being excessive and fatalistic that it's a possibility (but not going to happen, due to a promise I made to myself over 10 years ago). I think it may also explain why this problem is so much less when there _isn't_ anything obviously wrong/missing in my life; there is nothing for my anti-settling urge to grab a hold of and freak out about.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-26 03:51 pm (UTC)Enough that I'm reasonably cheery again. :)
This time of year, it tends to be enough. In the winter, it isn't, but I cope.