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May. 20th, 2004 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfox"Do, or do not. There is no try".
Saying that you will 'try' to do something is dangerous, because it leaves room for thinking about why you shouldn't or can't do it, why it's scary, or why it won't work. Too often, saying you will try to do something means you _won't_, because you will talk yourself out of it, or be too afraid to ever actually do it.
I speak from experience here. Things which are scary, for whatever reason, from possibly not have a good result, to possibly (or certainly!) hurting someone else, are hard enough to do _without_ all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't. Or can't. Or ought not to.
If there is something that needs to happen, if it keeps coming up in your head, don't tell yourself you'll try, or that you'll only bring it up if it looks like it'll be useful. Say you will do it (and preferably _when_), and _do it_, and stop thinking about why it won't, can't, shouldn't happen. Why it's scary, or why you don't want to do it.
If it needs to happen so badly that you can't stop thinking about it, _stop delaying_ - delays make difficult things more difficult, and easier to postpone for 'a better time'. If it's that difficult to do or say, there won't _be_ a good time. And waiting will only make it worse, for everyone involved.
Believe me, I know how difficult it can be to speak up about things. That is one of the major things I've been trying to rewire in myself for most of my life. But it _does_ get easier. You start to find out that things can't get as bad if you don't let them fester, that difficult things cause less pain if you don't let them sit, that the people who truly belong in your life will not freak out about things you might need to say anywhere nearly as often as you might fear they will, and sometimes whatever it was you were worried about is not a difficult thing at all, once stated.
Keeping things inside yourself is not only bad for _you_, but a disservice to whomever else is involved. It's not possible to make good decisions if you don't know all the facts, and it feels like a betrayal when something is kept from you 'for your own good'. Or because the person was afraid to speak up. Especially if you happen to be one where you can tell something important isn't being said.
I know this from both sides - from the person who was afraid to speak up, and from the person who was missing important pieces of information.
Speak up. Do what needs to be done. Listen to your discomfort.
(note: Yes, there are cases where trying is enough - but even those cases, I tend to think of as 'do, and learn from failure', rather than 'trying'... ie, I rarely say I will 'try', but that I will 'do what I can'. I've been doing my best to remove the word 'try' from my vocabulary for a while now. And I _know_ I have not succeeded, yet.)
[edit: This post is intended to be about the processing that happens in my head before doing or saying something that needs to be said or done.]
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:40 pm (UTC)As an example, at work I often say that I'm not entirely sure if a solution fits the problem we're facing, but I will try it and see what the results are. I go through applying the solution as effectively as I would have otherwise, but the user (I'm in IT, so I'm usually in such cases dealing with problems that users are having with their computers) is informed ahead of time that this is just an attempt, and they have the proper mindset. If it doesn't work, they're not disappointed, or they don't feel that I was mistaken (which shakes their confidence that the problem will eventually be solved and makes them frustrated). This is very important. "Do, and learn from failure," would be inaccurate, because it wasn't really a matter of failure, per se, given a lack of expectations of a solution. "Do what I can," implies a finality -- if it doesn't work, then I cannot do it (solve the problem). Neither of these has the desired connotation.
Trying also has a positive connotation, whereas I think most people read, "I will do what I can," as a negative or antagonistic statement. If I tell somebody, "I'll try to get this done before the end of the day," they understand that I may not be able to, but I'm going to do my best. If I say, "I don't know that I can get this done before the end of the day, but I will do what I can," the implication from the get go is that it certainly won't get completely done, and also that my attitude toward the task is hostile.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:46 pm (UTC)*nods* Indeed - I don't always remember, but everything I put in my journal is things relating to _me_. If they happen to apply to other people, then great!
"Do what I can," implies a finality
Note: another thing about my journal. Much of what I write is still in process. I knew when I wrote it that it wasn't completely... finished. It was more relating to social things than work ones.
There are _lots_ of situations where what I wrote cannot be true - one of the examples you used being at work.
I don't have a problem with being afraid of doing/saying things at work, so, for me, the thing I was trying to address with the post completely did not apply. However, I think that I _still_ don't use the word 'try' at work. Not sure. Not as fully aware in that case.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:48 pm (UTC)Why? If I'm at a point at work where I need to say that, it's because whatever is being asked of me is outside my job description, and is something I'm doing to help out, _not_ because I have to.
But my job might be strange that way.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:58 pm (UTC)But my workplace tends to be very, "Everybody pitch in however they can," so perhaps making people aware of duty boundaries is more of a negative thing here than it is in most workplaces.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 03:01 pm (UTC)So is mine. But the key word is 'however they _can_' - and they want to know when they are overwhelming you.
And, again, since the original post was not thinking about work at all, I don't actually know what phrasing I use for such.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 03:46 pm (UTC)Note: I'm also mostly talking about words in my _head_, and not necessarily words I say. If it's a question of 'trying' or 'doing', it's usually action-related, and not something I need to tell someone else that I am going to try or do. Often, what I need to do _is_ to talk, but not about trying or doing, but about _what_ I'm trying or doing.
Ie:
Suppose I need to talk about something that just appeared in my head, relating to a specific person. If my thoughts are anything but 'I need to do this, as soon as I can', I will start thinking of reasons I should wait, or why it's bad, or why the reaction might be scary. None of this processing is stuff I say to another person, and that processing is what this post is about. The processing before doing or saying something that needs to be said or done.
Trying is dangerous
Date: 2004-05-20 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-20 02:55 pm (UTC)(guessing - prone to causing memorable posts)
Re: *blinks*
Date: 2004-05-20 03:06 pm (UTC)You got it...