(no subject)

[wispfox]

So I've recently been finding myself conversing about the fact that my libido seems to have gone on an extended break, most probably due to the fact that it's been almost a year since I had sex, at least a few months since I've done anything beyond making out, and even a fair amount of time since I did much other than kiss anyone. May also have something to do with being tired and fucking _busy_, of course. (and possibly due to excessive amounts of uncertainty)

The problem with this, though, is that not only will this mean it'll take a fair amount of effort to bring it _back_, it means I'm pretty much stuck in bottom mode for the near future. I don't initiate stuff without an activly interested libido. This is annoying, as it makes it even more effortful for me to get out of possible nervous/really giggly mode (pretty much, the other person _has_ to take control and not _let_ me distract via silliness). Annoying.

But, the real reason I was writing, since the above is mostly just annoying, and not really new, relates to other forms of withdrawl I'm noticing in myself. While I'm no longer feeling disconnected, I _am_ noticing that I'm... withdrawing, at least to some degree, from my relationships with a bunch of uncertainty in them. This happens to equate to every last one of my deep bonds, and I don't know if that signifies anything or not. It was not a conscious thing, and I only just noticed it on the way home from random impromptu visit tonight.

Was initially a 'huh. Thinking of [person] no longer hurts. Missing them still happens periodically, but I expected that.'

Then it proceeded to 'Not getting to see [another person] sucks, but I kinda expected to not get to see them yet. However, I kinda thought this would bother me more than it does. I wonder if something is hiding at a deeper level?'

Finally, it got to 'And, I haven't really missed [yet another person] all that strongly in a rather long time. This is probably good, in that said person has probably finally managed to move to my category of people I've known a while and no longer feel a desperate need to visit them periodically. When time is, visiting is good, of course.'

I think the last one isn't hiding anything. Not sure, though. Has been a while since anyone's migrated into that category, so it's difficult to judge.

I suspect the middle example might be a case of me pulling a 'I fucking hate uncertainty' withdrawl reaction. I'll have to investigate further. Same for the first example.

The only reason I'm somewhat concerned about this is that I don't know if the possible 'withdrawl from uncertainty' thing will leak over into actual interactions with the people in question - withdrawl reactions can be _very_ confusing and unpleasant for the other party. I also don't know if it might just be a side effect of trying to learn to shield from deep bonds. And, well, if I'm withdrawing, what am I not letting myself experience? Worse yet, what lovely hidden emotions might decide to sneak up on me later? Yes. Must investigate further.

But first, must sleep. Sleep good.

Comments

[beowabbit]

(Pardon me for doing a fairly light riff off of your fairly heavy post.)

The “I fucking hate uncertainty” thing is interesting, because it’s something I really don’t have. I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve been tired of how very much uncertainty had been in my life for how very long, but I don’t have a “this is a problem I must fix” reaction to uncertainty very often. My reaction has been mostly to wait. In practice, since I don’t take uncertain situations and poke them with sticks, this means that I end up with a lot of uncertainty. Not sure that’s a good thing, but in any given concrete situation, poking with sticks usually doesn’t seem like a good thing, anyway.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I can wait on uncertain situations to an extent, and indeed, I always _do_. But, especially if it's something I'm fairly strongly emotionally attached to, the amount of time I can wait and remain reasonably ok with it varies - strong emotional attachments reduces how long I can comfortably wait. This time also depends on the total amount of uncertainty in my life - more uncertainty makes it more difficult for me to handle the sum total of uncertainty. I am _completely_ fine with having some uncertainty in my life; it's when it gets to be more uncertain than certain that problems happen.

The only thing _not_ uncertain in my life right now is my living space. Even that's got a bit of uncertainty, since the place I had been parking is up in the air, due to the owner changing next month. I need to track down the new owner, and see if I can continue paying for and using the space.

It's not so much that I poke at things with sticks - it's more that I notice when an internal change happens. In this case, I noticed that I was withdrawing.

I have to keep a reasonably close eye on my internal state, or things _will_ become problematic. I suppose that can be referred to as poking things with sticks.