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Apr. 20th, 2004 01:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxI post too much today. And yesterday. Hell, I just post too much. But. My brain won't let me be useful if I don't.
Last night, I remembered.
When I was much younger, I used to sing, constantly. I don't know if there were words or not, because the words never mattered. Only the song did. It got my emotions out better than words ever could. I never did this when anyone else was around, and usually when I was outdoors. I remember singing for the creek in my backyard, because it was singing. And I thought it wanted me to sing with it. I know I sang with trees, too...
I think there were words, then, because I don't think I had yet accepted that it was ok to sing without them. I still thought that vocal music without words wasn't... as good. Or something. But I don't think the words ever mattered.
I could never remember the tune. I have no idea if anyone else might like it, since I never did it with others around.
But, last night, for the first time in probably 15 years or more, I sang. No words, because words distracted me. No other music than my voice. I just... sang. I sorta wish I'd recorded it. But only sorta - it doesn't feel... like something that should be trapped, or that can be repeated the same way every time. It feels fluid. Changing.
I mean, I've sung with no words before, fairly recently. But not without any other music; not for a very long time. And even the lack of words singing was always very quiet - I don't think anyone else could hear it.
It felt... right. Vuluerable. Scary. But very, very right. I don't know when, or if, I'll be ok with letting other people hear me. This feels like it comes from deeper inside me than any other method I have of expressing myself. But. I have it back. When I'm alone, I have it back.
I'm not sure what triggered it; possibly a combination of the character I played this weekend, and the book I'm currently reading. Something did.
I have my music back. I didn't even know it was missing...
Last night, I remembered.
When I was much younger, I used to sing, constantly. I don't know if there were words or not, because the words never mattered. Only the song did. It got my emotions out better than words ever could. I never did this when anyone else was around, and usually when I was outdoors. I remember singing for the creek in my backyard, because it was singing. And I thought it wanted me to sing with it. I know I sang with trees, too...
I think there were words, then, because I don't think I had yet accepted that it was ok to sing without them. I still thought that vocal music without words wasn't... as good. Or something. But I don't think the words ever mattered.
I could never remember the tune. I have no idea if anyone else might like it, since I never did it with others around.
But, last night, for the first time in probably 15 years or more, I sang. No words, because words distracted me. No other music than my voice. I just... sang. I sorta wish I'd recorded it. But only sorta - it doesn't feel... like something that should be trapped, or that can be repeated the same way every time. It feels fluid. Changing.
I mean, I've sung with no words before, fairly recently. But not without any other music; not for a very long time. And even the lack of words singing was always very quiet - I don't think anyone else could hear it.
It felt... right. Vuluerable. Scary. But very, very right. I don't know when, or if, I'll be ok with letting other people hear me. This feels like it comes from deeper inside me than any other method I have of expressing myself. But. I have it back. When I'm alone, I have it back.
I'm not sure what triggered it; possibly a combination of the character I played this weekend, and the book I'm currently reading. Something did.
I have my music back. I didn't even know it was missing...
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 11:42 am (UTC)