I am...

[wispfox]

... relieved.

... feeling like a cold, heartless bitch. But still not regretting.

... disturbed by how much easier things would be if I simply didn't care. "It doesn't _matter_" is a very powerful statement... So is "I don't care'". They are, if nothing else, not possible to argue against.

I begin to see the lure of having one's world in black and white, with no shades of grey. If I were able to get into, and stay in, an appropriate mindset, life would certainly be an awful lot easier. But much less enjoyable. Or interesting. It would no longer be living, I think...

I think if I got into, and stayed in, this mindset, I would be effectively killing off who I am. I wonder if I'll remain in this mindset, when I am at home, until move out occurs? I suspect that might be true. For self-defense. Because I _am_ too easily guilted, normally. And I cannot afford, for my sanity's sake, to back down on this. (I did, a bit - it's until *next* Saturday, not a week. A bit more than a week, so that moving out is slightly more sane)

I wonder if _this_ is another part of why I wanted off the phone before coming back into my home. The... coldness of myself, once I entered the apartment. Completely emotionless? Might also be because I'm tired - I _do_ approximate this state, where nothing else seems real, when tired sometimes. But I don't think I've ever gone into it intentionally. Indeed, I'm not sure I was aware of what I was doing, until I did. Weird self-defense technique...

I wonder if this is the result of the insanely strong shields I put up? Maybe I'm blocking my empathy? Or just ignoring it...

I wonder if I'm going to really regret letting people see this side of me, once I'm out of this state?

... glad that the above disturbs me, because this is a scary state to be in, even if I do know it'll stop.

Very scary, actually. It's kinda like how I felt on Prozac, the one time I was on it. Not depressed, no. But not up, either. And everything was seen through a filter of... abstractness. My passion was gone. My emotions...

Yeah. I scare me. I'm glad I didn't learn _this_ coping technique in grade school. I would certainly have lost who I am, then. At least now, I have a sense of how long this is likely, and that it'll not be true when not at home. (already demonstrated that, on my walk)

... distressed that I've learned that: I can hate people, I can be vicious, and I can be brought to anger with relative frequency. I don't think I'll hold a grudge, though - once that which causes the reaction is gone, I figure the reaction will stop, too. Never understood holding grudges, actually.

... suspecting that it's probably good for me to have learned this. And probably that it'll make me more aware of situations which might cause it, and more likely to get out of them sooner.

... suddenly understanding why people claim that selfishness is bad. If this state of not giving a shit were how I normally were, then yes - selfishness _would_ be bad. Selfishness without caring, or without empathy, or sympathy, seems like a bad thing. Because, if you don't care about anyone but yourself, _at all_, then what you do to other people won't matter to you. I wonder if this is what makes psychopaths? I wonder if I should be disturbed by the fact that I can contemplate that idea as something related to my current mental state, calmly?

My brain is weird tonight. Sleep ought to help, though.

He wanted to know when I'd stopped caring. Makes me wonder when _he_ thinks I stopped caring. If I'd not been caring, none of this would have angered me as much as it did. And actually, I was still angry for much of the conversation earlier, although I think I finally got to, and _stayed at_ a point of not caring at one point. In between bouts of not caring, and stopping the conversation with such things as it not mattering, anyway. (weird - I might have been yelling. But I'm not sure, because I don't feel in my head like I was yelling, so much as just emoting loudly. Difficult to tell which, in my head, sometimes. Or out of my head - someone emoting negative emotions loudly enough can be interpreted as yelling by me... But it disturbs me that I can be brought to yelling... Well, assuming I was, of course)

I do feel a little bad about not, as requested, giving him until the end of the month. But doing so feels very, very wrong to me. Some part of me is screaming that I have to take, and _keep_ a stand. To hell with consequences.

Which is, BTW, _not_ normal for me. I'm normally 'but maybe we can work it out' girl... even way beyond sanity (indeed, I think this already _was_ way beyond sanity). It's... interesting this way.

Huh. I'm getting tired. And emotions are coming back. Good. I was a little worried. But, at least now I know I can get into this state, and out again, twice (once when talking to him, once when returning home from outside). Not sure how useful that is, though. It's not like I wasn't _already_ enough of a control freak! But... it is good self-defense against being guilted. And... it was quieter in my head. More clear. But still something that a part of me is scared by, and says is dangerous. In a 'too easy' kind of way, dangerous.