But very important; trying to force change in other people is pointless, draining, and not a terribly good sign of someone actually wanting to be friends with _you_, rather than what they think you are, or want you to be.
No matter how many times I learn this, I have, again and again, found myself on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behavior. Bad me, both for taking it, and for doing it.
Now - I differentiate this from someone trying to help you through/with things that you _want_ changed, and to help you see things that you may not have been aware of in yourself, and similar things. These are all very _good_, very supportive things. I'm talking about trying to change you to something that is not truly you.
Ah, but what to do when it appears that a person wants something changed, that they want your help in changing, but they aren't being honest with you, or with themselves (or both)? Too often I've been trapped in troublesome places when I was trying to be helpful. I've had whole relationships that were about me trying to provide the help that was being requested only to have the help be rejected and me being resented for attempting to help. Blech. I still haven't learned my lesson in this area though. I keep assuming that when people come to me and ask for help, they really mean it, and I keep trying to help. My innocence in this matter is both a great strength and a terribly exploitable weakness.
There has to be enough of a connection. I cannot really explain this. It's too non-verbal for me, too deep. I've been having trouble every time I try to explain connection and bond-related stuff, and I still don't feel like I succeed. It seems to be a case of 'if you know, you'll understand. If you don't, I can't explain it'. Which is horribly frustrating for someone who so often needs to be verbal. I'll probably continue to try, for this reason. But not right now.
Yes, yes. I totally follow you here. While I certainly have "grew on me over time" friends, more generally I find that I'm close to people from whom I had an initial "good vibe." I think, probably, somewhere down deep in our brains, we have a very complex system of evaluation that can pick up on a thousand subtle clues and indicators about who someone is, and that this info is boiled down and released up to the conscious mind as a inexplicable "feeling of connection." I don't think we give these automated systems nearly enough credit. Thank you, hidden evaluation system, wherever you are.
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Date: 2004-02-26 08:42 pm (UTC)No matter how many times I learn this, I have, again and again, found myself on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behavior. Bad me, both for taking it, and for doing it.
Now - I differentiate this from someone trying to help you through/with things that you _want_ changed, and to help you see things that you may not have been aware of in yourself, and similar things. These are all very _good_, very supportive things. I'm talking about trying to change you to something that is not truly you.
Ah, but what to do when it appears that a person wants something changed, that they want your help in changing, but they aren't being honest with you, or with themselves (or both)? Too often I've been trapped in troublesome places when I was trying to be helpful. I've had whole relationships that were about me trying to provide the help that was being requested only to have the help be rejected and me being resented for attempting to help. Blech. I still haven't learned my lesson in this area though. I keep assuming that when people come to me and ask for help, they really mean it, and I keep trying to help. My innocence in this matter is both a great strength and a terribly exploitable weakness.
There has to be enough of a connection. I cannot really explain this. It's too non-verbal for me, too deep. I've been having trouble every time I try to explain connection and bond-related stuff, and I still don't feel like I succeed. It seems to be a case of 'if you know, you'll understand. If you don't, I can't explain it'. Which is horribly frustrating for someone who so often needs to be verbal. I'll probably continue to try, for this reason. But not right now.
Yes, yes. I totally follow you here. While I certainly have "grew on me over time" friends, more generally I find that I'm close to people from whom I had an initial "good vibe." I think, probably, somewhere down deep in our brains, we have a very complex system of evaluation that can pick up on a thousand subtle clues and indicators about who someone is, and that this info is boiled down and released up to the conscious mind as a inexplicable "feeling of connection." I don't think we give these automated systems nearly enough credit. Thank you, hidden evaluation system, wherever you are.