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wispfoxAddendum to last night's post.
It seems that, even once I stop needing to remember to do things/concentrate on things, I will still do the humming/singing notes without words thing to myself, in a calm myself down kind of way. Considering that I was exhausted, vaguely feeling sick, and a bit out of sorts for a drive, I'm not surprised that it triggered something I don't usually (let myself?) do!
Initial set seemed to be holding the notes for a long time, and lower register notes, and very little variation. Later, I started moving around a bit more, although still returning to the same few notes, and held the notes less.
I suspect, though, that this is one of the slightly odd things that I do (probably self-stimming, considering the effect on my mental state) which was more strongly associated with freaking other people out, so I clamped down harder on it and do it less. And don't do it around people. I suspect this is the same kind of thing that I mentioned way back here, although that last was a bit less must do this _NOW_. So it may not always be so strongly necessary, and might even stave off being necessary or potentially be purely a 'because I can and it's enjoyable' thing, if I learn to allow myself to do it more often (in appropriate situations where I won't freak other people out. Since I obviously _can_ control it).
It's different, I note, from singing to myself when I'm happy - I do that, too. But that tends to include words, and be songs than exist (although not always; sometimes I make them up). And it's coherent _songs_, more than mostly just individual notes.
Yeah. Exploring this. Every so often, I'm reminded of just how damn much I control what I do and don't allow myself to do (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ladytabitha, does me saying this kind of thing still confuse the hell out of you?)... so I try to explore how much of that control I can safely let go of and/or adjust a bit. On the plus side, this really is an excellent demonstration of the fact that I'm feeling less and less like I exist in an entirely hostile environment all the time (I'm nearly certain that's where most of my excessive control came from - too many confused/distressed/hostile reactions to things I did; mostly once I started going to school, but some before then).
The fun thing is that I don't think I consciously realized that was the reason for being so controlled, so I didn't tend to be very good at letting go of things even when alone. So now, I adjust and modify, as best I can. When I notice. Problem with not really understanding why people react the way they do to certain behaviors is that it makes it much harder to make reasonable adjustments for it, so I tended to go overboard. I tend to have a better understanding, now, due to combination more life experience and lots of people willing to attempt to explain the 'why's of things. Note: better not necessarily equal good. I can still get tripped up. Especially by people I can't read, or for whom I can't get a good baseline. This is why those are both required for me to have good comfort with someone.
Some of my controls are good. Like not trying to breathe under water even though "I can in my dreams, dammit!" Yes, I feel like many of the physical laws are a hostile environment. Yes, I have nearly no innate grasp of physics (which probably explains this).
Yeah. The inside of my head is a strange place.
edit: I'm nearly certain that part of why the singing of the notes is helpful is because of the internal vibrations, especially as, long before I get to that point, I will have turned off externally sourced music.
It seems that, even once I stop needing to remember to do things/concentrate on things, I will still do the humming/singing notes without words thing to myself, in a calm myself down kind of way. Considering that I was exhausted, vaguely feeling sick, and a bit out of sorts for a drive, I'm not surprised that it triggered something I don't usually (let myself?) do!
Initial set seemed to be holding the notes for a long time, and lower register notes, and very little variation. Later, I started moving around a bit more, although still returning to the same few notes, and held the notes less.
I suspect, though, that this is one of the slightly odd things that I do (probably self-stimming, considering the effect on my mental state) which was more strongly associated with freaking other people out, so I clamped down harder on it and do it less. And don't do it around people. I suspect this is the same kind of thing that I mentioned way back here, although that last was a bit less must do this _NOW_. So it may not always be so strongly necessary, and might even stave off being necessary or potentially be purely a 'because I can and it's enjoyable' thing, if I learn to allow myself to do it more often (in appropriate situations where I won't freak other people out. Since I obviously _can_ control it).
It's different, I note, from singing to myself when I'm happy - I do that, too. But that tends to include words, and be songs than exist (although not always; sometimes I make them up). And it's coherent _songs_, more than mostly just individual notes.
Yeah. Exploring this. Every so often, I'm reminded of just how damn much I control what I do and don't allow myself to do (
ladytabitha, does me saying this kind of thing still confuse the hell out of you?)... so I try to explore how much of that control I can safely let go of and/or adjust a bit. On the plus side, this really is an excellent demonstration of the fact that I'm feeling less and less like I exist in an entirely hostile environment all the time (I'm nearly certain that's where most of my excessive control came from - too many confused/distressed/hostile reactions to things I did; mostly once I started going to school, but some before then).The fun thing is that I don't think I consciously realized that was the reason for being so controlled, so I didn't tend to be very good at letting go of things even when alone. So now, I adjust and modify, as best I can. When I notice. Problem with not really understanding why people react the way they do to certain behaviors is that it makes it much harder to make reasonable adjustments for it, so I tended to go overboard. I tend to have a better understanding, now, due to combination more life experience and lots of people willing to attempt to explain the 'why's of things. Note: better not necessarily equal good. I can still get tripped up. Especially by people I can't read, or for whom I can't get a good baseline. This is why those are both required for me to have good comfort with someone.
Some of my controls are good. Like not trying to breathe under water even though "I can in my dreams, dammit!" Yes, I feel like many of the physical laws are a hostile environment. Yes, I have nearly no innate grasp of physics (which probably explains this).
Yeah. The inside of my head is a strange place.
edit: I'm nearly certain that part of why the singing of the notes is helpful is because of the internal vibrations, especially as, long before I get to that point, I will have turned off externally sourced music.
