Aspergers, me.

[wispfox]

This was initially a reply to a comment, but it got long.

no, I'm not kidding about having Aspergers traits.

I *do* have Aspergers traits. I just don't have them all, and have learned and/or been taught coping mechanisms for most of them.

Of course, simply having some traits of it doesn't mean I am sufficiently handicapped by it to be diagnosable. These things are always entirely about degree, of course. I'm not diagnosed as such, and don't ever expect to be. Mainly because of "C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" - the requirement for it to be a significant handicap.

My social skills were *entirely* learned. I did not, and still frequently do not, understand the whys of social skills. I just know they work, and have incorporated them into myself enough to not spend all my time questioning if I'm acting appropriately. I very frequently run into cases where I simply don't understand why people don't do certain things at certain times, but have trained myself well enough to not do them. This is part of why my impulse control is so strong. Social skills also take a *lot* of processing power for me. Probably part of why crowds are difficult for me. And why people I am very comfortable with are so important for me. Means I need to worry less about interpreting all the cues I might be taking in.

My body language skills were learned from a fellow student in high school, and a bit from my mother (but she has the same problems I do, in many cases, so it was more difficult for her to teach me). And are not consistantly useful, even at this point. It's part of why I lose my facial expression if I'm too tired - it's still not entirely automatic to have body language. I think, also, it's part of why I *am* so expressive, facially - I learned that it was a useful method of communication at some point, and how to use it. So now I use it a *lot*, except when tired. And probably overly dramatically, because that way I can be more sure it was understood. It may also be why I verbalize so often.

I quite simply could *not* handle completely unfamiliar situations growing up. This happens less now because I have more experience with life, not because it's no longer a problem. I will *still* freeze if confronted with an entirely new situation, I'm just much better at hiding it. Entirely, completely new situations terrify me. Literally. However, I am fully aware that adding in more experiences to what I am familiar with (within the bounds of things in which I have interest) will reduce the likeyhood of running into totally unfamiliar situations, and have sufficient levels of curiosity that I *want* to do new and interesting things. Even if the idea of doing so scares me.

It's why I hate getting lost, which is why I'm almost startling attached to having maps when I'm traveling places.

Fear of the unknown can, and has been known to, completely paralyze me.

It's why I have such trouble with people from whom I cannot get an empathic reading. My body language reading skills are still fairly poor. Not having the empathy is a significant handicap.

My ability to use public bathrooms was something my mother had to work long and hard to get me to learn. I *still* remember that difficulty. Public bathrooms are loud, overwhemling, and scary. Took me a *very* long time as a child to figure out how to relax enough to use them.

I think it might be why I take so long to process on things that have happened - I simply had too much input, and need to filter out what was actually important, and need to not be worried about additional input in order to do so.

I don't think in words (which is what caused the autism links to come up on my google search). Words are, in many ways, a language I have to translate my thoughts into, and sometimes back out of. This may or may not relate to my strong desire to be *sure* that the words I am using are the right ones, and were understood the way I meant. As well, perhaps, as my frequent disbelief that I was actually understood, during a non-trivial conversation. I *expect* verbal conversations about anything not fairly trivial and close to the surface to be difficult. Simply because it's verbal, and not necessarily because it's emotional or something. It's always a surprise to me when I get something out of my head and *understood*. Even more so when the person I'm talking to doesn't need all the words I'm throwing at it. It's why I treasure such people so much. And probably why I will repeat and repeat and repeat things if I am not sure it's been understood, to the great annoyance of other people.

I learned to look people in the eye because I got a lot of "look me in the eye when I'm talking to you". If I need to think deeply about something, I *cannot* be looking at someone's face. Or I simply won't be able to process whatever it is. My brain just *won't function* at a deep level when I'm looking someone in the face, beyond taking in input. It appears to simply be too much I/O.

I *need* routine, for the most part. If I don't do something regularly, I'm less likely to ever do it. If I don't do things when they occur to me (or at least write them down as a reminder for later), it's highly unlikely for it ever to get done. It doesn't have to be daily routine, so much as a 'when things happens, this needs to, as well.'

Yeah. I'm sure the list could continue, but I've been babbling for long enough. Many of the critera listed in A and B of the Diagnostic Criteria are much more likely to happen when I'm tired. Especially if I'm also stressed. I lose awareness of things not-me, strongly. This means I'm less aware of the effect that odd behaviors can have on other people.

Also - further down the page of the original link posted in the comment in question, there is a more 'down-to-earth' description.

Comments

[aussie-nyc.livejournal.com]

Probably part of why crowds are difficult for me. And why people I am very comfortable with are so important for me.

With you there, 100%.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

'Nother thing. I frequently cannot tell if people are joking or sarcastic, especially if tired or stressed. I think this may related to body language reading.

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[dr-nebula.livejournal.com]

Very insightful and interesting read. Since you're planning to visit Atlanta this spring - I'll do my best to keep this in mind.

But I can be a pretty emotional sort - esp. for a "big man", so this should help.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

No worries about keeping it in mind. It *doesn't* aversely affect my life, because I have sufficient coping mechanisms, and know what I do and do not need to avoid.

And I'm confused about the emotional part, but is ok. :)

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[dr-nebula.livejournal.com]

Hey - not a problem. :-)

So are you very artistic/creative? I've noticed that most LJ'ers that I've friended or read are quite different from the "normals".

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Um. "I feel like an artist whose medium does not exist yet. And I don't know how to create it." (http://www.livejournal.com/users/wispfox/69180.html)

I don't know how to answer that question.

[beowabbit]

I learned to look people in the eye because I got a lot of "look me in the eye when I'm talking to you". If I need to think deeply about something, I *cannot* be looking at someone's face. Or I simply won't be able to process whatever it is.

I recently heard a little story on the BBC about this. I'm fuzzy on the details, but there was a study recently on academic performance in grade school (or maybe just ability to answer questions correctly, or something). Turns out that being required to look at the teacher while s/he's talking to you and while you're thinking of your answer impairs performance a lot. Makes some intuitive sense to me: if I'm looking at another human, a lot of my brain is busy interpreting their expression and body language (eg scanning for approval or potential conflict, figuring out social status, etc.); if I don't have that distraction, perhaps some of that part of my brain is freed up for other tasks.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yup. This resonates very strongly with me.

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[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Hm! That makes sense to me. I also have an extremely difficult time looking people in the eye when I have to think about something. I don't think I can. It's like closing my eyes when I sneeze -- if I'm thinking, I have to look away. It also explains why I always want to take my glasses off when I'm thinking hard about something. Suddenly, there's less world to deal with!

Unfortunately, this eye-contact thing means I spend a lot of time telling stories to people while animatedly staring at the table.

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[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Or staring out the window.  :D

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

Or that, yeah. :P

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[signsoflife.livejournal.com]

I can *NOT* listen attentively to someone and look at their face at the same time.

This got me a lot of accusations of "not paying attention" in school.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Frustrating to have mild symptoms of any disorder. People either don't believe you, or try to casually diagnose you with various.

I went off on a rant about ADD (and people blowing off my investigation of it) sometime last year. Still haven't had it checked, because it's EXPENSIVE to do so (like, dental work expensive) and I'm not sure my insurance covers such things.

But I find that recommended coping strategies, and even having a *name* for things, can be useful, with or without diagnosis. On the other hand, if meds or intervention of any kind can help, I hope they come your way. If you're at all sensitive to peer scorn, it's hard to assert that you have a problem and you think you know what it might be -- the definitions are vague and horoscopey sometimes, and disorder junkies muddy the water for everyone else. Hard to even get close to that stuff, sometimes. But, you know. It's information.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Naw. I don't honestly care if anyone else agrees with my self-diagnosis. It feels right. And I don't need a diagnosis. It's just... strange explaining the way I work in such detail, sometimes.

It's *helpful* to have outside confirmation of things, but I have that. My school psychologist mother, who is actually really good at her job, regardless of what living with her is like, agrees with me on that belief. And agrees that I don't need a formal diagnosis.

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[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Good, then, if people don't shame you out of a useful interpretation of what's going on.

[beowabbit]

For what it's worth, what you write makes sense to me as an explanation of the ways you're different from most other people. It's interesting. I've perceived you as different from the norm, but not in a better or worse way, or even a more-adaptive or less-adaptive way, just different. But some of the ways you're different actually make you a little more comfortable to be around, I think -- as somebody very geeky and someone who grew up feeling totally disconnected from the culture around him¹, I think your Asperger's-like traits make me worry less about you possibily reacting in unanticipated ways or stuff like that.

I dunno, that's probably not making too much sense.

---

¹ I feel a lot more connected to the subculture around me now, but it's a lot different from what I grew up immersed in.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

make me worry less about you possibily reacting in unanticipated ways

Huh. I'd have thought the opposite would be true. That I would react in unanticipated ways _more_ often.

[beowabbit]

Well, it seems to me that Asperger's or Asperger's-like traits would require you to reason through your reactions to things, rather than have kneejerk socially-conditioned responses. It probably would make you marginally less tolerant of "culture-standard" behaviour, but considerably more tolerant of stuff that our culture considers weird (like the sort of very blunt, direct communication that geeks are more comfortable with; see Jeff Bigler on "tact filters". I guess I see myself as having some of those traits, at least to the extent of being a real geek in my thought processes, and so somebody who's going to work things out from first principles, as I do to some extent, feels "safer" than somebody who's going to unquestioningly accept social norms. Make any sense?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Mmm. See, I still might have knee-jerk reactions, but they are pretty rare, and require me to be in a very not good social state.

So, yeah. You might be right. :) I'm _very_ strongly intent oriented, unless a behavior triggers something. Even then, but I'll react first.

PS

[beowabbit]

From http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html : "Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness." Do you think that's true of you? Doesn't strike me as matching your personality, but I wouldn't know much about your daily routine. (Mine more so than yours, I would guess. I'm more comfortable than average with big changes, I think, but the routine stuff I really like to keep consistent.)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

show marked deficiencies in social skills

Yes. But those are things that can be learned, and I did.

have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness.

This one's harder to answer. There are a *lot* of different ways in which this can be interpreted. It can refer to all transitions/changes, I suspect in more severe cases, or certain transitions/changes...

I'm able to find examples of certain types in my head, but am having trouble managing to get them to come out of my head onto the keyboard. I will attempt to outline a few, perhaps with not enough words.

Public transportation is very very difficult for me to handle, especially if it's entirely new to me. I'm pretty sure that the first few times I used the T, I was not alone during it, and had someone explaining to me how it worked and how to read the maps.

However, now that I've learned it, I tend to prefer to take the T over driving to places in Boston I'm not highly familiar with. I park in Davis Sq for almost everything I do in the Greater Boston area that is anywhere near a T stop. Would it probably be faster and easier and more sane to drive? Probably. But I know the T works, and I know I can find parking, and I am comfortable with it.

If I deviate from my routine for getting to bed, I *will* forget something. Sometimes, I remember to do it later, but not always. This is a given. The same is true for how I handle dishes, and kitchen cleanliness, and such.

So - it's not so much that I have to do things at the same *time*, as same order, as far as daily routine.

And it's not that I cannot do new things, it's just that the degree of difficulty for me to learn it is often significantly higher than for most people. Or so it seems.

Yeah. I could probably explain this better in person, should you be curious enough.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I think this in large part comes from my severe dislike of people casually self-identifying as having various disorders.  It's why I'm so twitchy about my use of the word "manic", when describing one of my moods - you might notice that sometimes I'll elucidate, stating that no, I don't think I have mania, it's simply a descriptive.

I think that people can look at themselves and see all kinds of traits here and there.  If your self-assessment and -identification here is any indication, I too have Asperger's to some mild degree (no eye contact, need routine, loss of facial expression, and so forth).  You might also be shy - not just generally, but chemical-actually (paralysation in new situations).

This is why I strongly prefer that people get themselves checked out for things and get an actual diagnosis, rather than just laymanning themselves to death.  I joke about being ADD Inattentive type, simply because I appear to fit the traits, but I never self-identify as such, because... I dunno because.  Perhaps because it smacks strongly of "I am special/unique because [x]" stuff?  My thoughts peter out around this point.  :p


Hi!  Apparently I have more "triggers" in my head.  Whoopdeeshit.  Beg yer pardon.

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[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

Also, who doesn't have to learn social skills?

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[mrf-arch.livejournal.com]

Everyone learns them - but there's a difference between learning social skills a a deep enough level they become automatic, like breathing, and learning them but having to pay attention to using the skill all the times you need it.

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[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's like common sense (another thing I don't have inantely). Some (most?) people learn it as part of everyday life, while growing up.

Me, it's very rare for me to realize things that are common sensical unless someone else happens to have pointed it out to me. Or, if I run full force into the problem caused by not knowing whatever it is. (the latter is more rare than the former, and generally does not happen for me with social skills. Common sense stuff tends to be simpler than social stuff).

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[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I suppose it probably depends on what you mean by 'learn social skills'. I'm sure everyone has to learn them, but most people pick it up from immersion.

I don't think that most people have to have someone go about explaining that leaning forward tends to indicate interest, whereas leaning back/away may indicate discomfort. For example.

I could be mistaken. It's difficult to know what most people do when no single person *can* be most people. :)

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[wispfox.livejournal.com]

my severe dislike of people casually self-identifying as having various disorders
people can look at themselves and see all kinds of traits

Yes. I know. I was not surprised at your reaction, actually. And, to some extent, I agree with you. Many people *do* self identify as some sort of disorder to get attention or pity or something.

But if the self-identification helps, and doesn't have any negative affects on a person, where is the problem?

I *have* an actual diagnosis, from my school psychologist mother, but we both agreed that it was not having an amazingly bad affect on my life. Now, she didn't do any testing on me specifically for that, but I *was* one of her guinea pigs for her various tests growing up. So she's got a pretty decent sense of the strange ways in which my brain works.

*shrug* Believe me or not, it resonates as true for me, and has provided useful coping mechanisms in some cases.