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bostonarcana]
Recent conversation as the result of me having been asked (more or less, I don't have exact wording) if my awareness of self was an obvious thing or not. My answer was that no, it isn't.
I'd never considered the possibility that there might be people for whom it always _is_ an obvious thing. My physical-self-attachment is not usually the best, with some exceptions being for when I am perceiving almost entirely in sensations (although those can overstimulate me enough to _also_ throw me out of self-awarenss, but in an entirely different, and not negative, way. Tends to mean I'm completely non-verbal, though).
This thought has since caused me to consider the fact that, as a direct result of my poor physical-self-attachment, I grab _tightly_ to my physical self, and tend to not want to let go. This does, as one might imagine, make it difficult to do trance/journey/astral-type work.
This then proceeded to cause me to think about examples when I did _not_ really have a sense of self (to the point where trying to get words for my sense of myself gets responses like not computing, not a valid question, and irrelevent). And I do have them. And I have apparently come back from them without losing myself (which is a major portion of my fear of letting my physical self _go_).
But the vast majority of the times that I've _gotten_ to that state, I've fought against what I now suspect was the process of getting there because I needed to go whether I wanted to or not. And it was scary, because I had no control over it, and because I'm so _vulnerable_ in that transition state. But once I'm finished the transition, things are fine (well, aside from the fact that I'm really _strange_ in that state, as I've tended to be completely mobile in it, and more or less concious of the physical world around me). And I can come back from it, although if it's not a voluntary thing, it tends to require me to sleep. Which I'm really _really_ bad at doing when in that state.
So my next thought is... perhaps I need to stop fighting so damn hard, maybe gain some control over it, and figure out how to make me feel less vulnerable during the transition state. Let it happen, perhaps encouraging it, instead of fighting it. Might be less scary that way. Although I'm not sure how. And maybe _then_ I'd be better able to come _back_.
A part of why I think this was the most recent work group, where at one point I tranced a little. Not fully, but enough that if it'd happened because my mind was trying to make me rather than because of what was going on around/with me, I'd have been fighting. And transitioning _back_ was much less difficult, as was transitioning there.
I do kinda wonder what I must have run into when I was first doing this, because I _must_ have been doing non-physical-self-attached things as a kid. I can't imagine the possibility of me _not_ having done so, and I can't figure any other reason I would fight it so hard _now_. (and that might explain some memories I have that had to have been dreams, at least from the perspective of the normal world)
*thoughtful* Y'know, I do seem to have this talent of running into the _strangest_ 'oh! I didn't know this was strange' things... and they lead to such strange and fascinating places.
bostonarcana]Recent conversation as the result of me having been asked (more or less, I don't have exact wording) if my awareness of self was an obvious thing or not. My answer was that no, it isn't.
I'd never considered the possibility that there might be people for whom it always _is_ an obvious thing. My physical-self-attachment is not usually the best, with some exceptions being for when I am perceiving almost entirely in sensations (although those can overstimulate me enough to _also_ throw me out of self-awarenss, but in an entirely different, and not negative, way. Tends to mean I'm completely non-verbal, though).
This thought has since caused me to consider the fact that, as a direct result of my poor physical-self-attachment, I grab _tightly_ to my physical self, and tend to not want to let go. This does, as one might imagine, make it difficult to do trance/journey/astral-type work.
This then proceeded to cause me to think about examples when I did _not_ really have a sense of self (to the point where trying to get words for my sense of myself gets responses like not computing, not a valid question, and irrelevent). And I do have them. And I have apparently come back from them without losing myself (which is a major portion of my fear of letting my physical self _go_).
But the vast majority of the times that I've _gotten_ to that state, I've fought against what I now suspect was the process of getting there because I needed to go whether I wanted to or not. And it was scary, because I had no control over it, and because I'm so _vulnerable_ in that transition state. But once I'm finished the transition, things are fine (well, aside from the fact that I'm really _strange_ in that state, as I've tended to be completely mobile in it, and more or less concious of the physical world around me). And I can come back from it, although if it's not a voluntary thing, it tends to require me to sleep. Which I'm really _really_ bad at doing when in that state.
So my next thought is... perhaps I need to stop fighting so damn hard, maybe gain some control over it, and figure out how to make me feel less vulnerable during the transition state. Let it happen, perhaps encouraging it, instead of fighting it. Might be less scary that way. Although I'm not sure how. And maybe _then_ I'd be better able to come _back_.
A part of why I think this was the most recent work group, where at one point I tranced a little. Not fully, but enough that if it'd happened because my mind was trying to make me rather than because of what was going on around/with me, I'd have been fighting. And transitioning _back_ was much less difficult, as was transitioning there.
I do kinda wonder what I must have run into when I was first doing this, because I _must_ have been doing non-physical-self-attached things as a kid. I can't imagine the possibility of me _not_ having done so, and I can't figure any other reason I would fight it so hard _now_. (and that might explain some memories I have that had to have been dreams, at least from the perspective of the normal world)
*thoughtful* Y'know, I do seem to have this talent of running into the _strangest_ 'oh! I didn't know this was strange' things... and they lead to such strange and fascinating places.
