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Nov. 11th, 2003 09:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wispfoxThis became very long. I was ranty. I'm not even entirely sure why, since none of the things I was ranting about particularly affect me right now.
*shrug* I will lj-cut.
Mmm. Darkness and precipitation will decide me against going out to do stuff if I was waffling. I *hate* driving in the dark when it's precipitating.
I begin to suspect that I will not have enough voice, or at least will spend entirely too much time coughing should I attempt to sing, to go to Psinging Friday night. Which sucks.
But, it also means I'm wondering if there is anything else going on that I might like to go to, should I decide to be social but not go to Psinging. Anyone know of anything not highly intensive going on Friday night? I tend to not save info on stuff happening when I already have plans...
Worst case, I go home and relax. Relaxing is good.
There's something inherently strange about a society which thinks children should sit still for hours on end. It's stranger yet when one considers that caffeine is one of the most commonly used drugs, is one of the few available to pretty much anyone of any age with very little difficulty, and ridiculous numbers of kids are being diagnosed as ADHD. Well, of *course* they can't sit still for hours - children aren't *supposed* to! Go watch how the young of other species act, sometime...
Eh. Some people diagnosed with ADHD are valid diagnoses, I realize this. But, sheesh!
Here! Drink some coke! Now, go sit still for hours in classes that probably bore the hell out of you.
Mmmf.
The Golden Rule is horribly, horribly flawed.
Sure, it sounds great to treat everyone the way you want to be treated. But that idea completely ignores the fact that people vary. What one person needs desperately may be the precise thing that will slowly drive another person insane.
Trying to do for someone else what you would like done for you is ripe for unhappiness and confusion. It also makes it all to easy for people to not think to ask what someone else needs. All too often, things end up with both parties feeling unappraciated, misunderstood, and unloved.
Of course, often enough, this tactic is fine. The problem comes about when it's not fine - and neither party understands where the problem is, nor what needs to be done. If it never worked, no one would try to use it.
(Which incidentally, I think applies for a whole bunch of things that people do, but which when taken to extremes, cause problems. I suspect a *lot* of the problems people have are because they took a method that worked, and overused it. They stopped being able to act any other way, to adjust to situations)
Take an example where you have one person who, when faced with confusion or pain, needs desperately to talk about it. Suppose you have another whose reaction is to withdraw inside themselves to think about it. Giving the first person time is painful for them. The same goes for trying to encourage the second person to talk about it.
I realize that sometimes asking what someone needs won't help - people don't always know what they need. In which case, pay attention to their reaction should you decide to do whatever you would appreciate having done. And if you don't like their reaction, keep in mind that it may not be you, but simply that what you tried was not what they needed. Not appreciating your attempts to be helpful, regardless of whether or not those methods are something that has always worked for you, is not an attack on you or the fact that it works for you.
I like the golden rule in principle - it certainly tries to convey to the idea of trying to do for others as they need, especially considering that it's nearly impossible to know what other people need, and many people don't even *know* what they need.
But... for anyone who is someone one is at all close to, it's dangerous. Dangerous to assume that one necessarily knows what the correct response is, that what works for one person will work for another.
Talking about it can help quite a lot, even if the other person doesn't know. It might help them start looking for the answer, and may be able to help them at least explain what are *not* good things to do.
There's also the fact that sometimes what people need changes as they do. Because people most certainly do change.
And yes, I *do* realize precisely how difficult it can be to tell another person what you really, truly, want and need. Believe me, I understand exactly how scary that is, how vulnerable it can make you feel. And I do not at all claim to be amazing at it, nor at remembering to ask what another person needs. But it's still good to keep in mind.
It's good to keep in mind that it's not all about the intent. Intent helps, most certainly. But intent doesn't help much if what you keep attempting to do doesn't help, or makes things worse.
It's very, very unlikely that everyone you care about will have the same beliefs that you do about life, or the same needs and desires in times of stress. Or the same views on things you may think to be completely obvious, basic beliefs.
There is no common sense. There are very few widespread human truths, perhaps not any. Common sense is taught and learned, some picking it up much better than others. The 'truths' about what is good and what is not is taught, and in some cases figured out on one's own.
I don't know if I had a point here, aisde from ranting a lot. *shrug*
Sleep now. Enough random ranting for the evening.
Oh - and if I'm ranting, I probably don't really mean anything I said *quite* as definitively as it may have come across. I think I managed to find most of the excessively certain statements and reword them, though.
Hmm. I wonder how many people reading here didn't realize that I ranted?
*shrug* I will lj-cut.
Mmm. Darkness and precipitation will decide me against going out to do stuff if I was waffling. I *hate* driving in the dark when it's precipitating.
I begin to suspect that I will not have enough voice, or at least will spend entirely too much time coughing should I attempt to sing, to go to Psinging Friday night. Which sucks.
But, it also means I'm wondering if there is anything else going on that I might like to go to, should I decide to be social but not go to Psinging. Anyone know of anything not highly intensive going on Friday night? I tend to not save info on stuff happening when I already have plans...
Worst case, I go home and relax. Relaxing is good.
There's something inherently strange about a society which thinks children should sit still for hours on end. It's stranger yet when one considers that caffeine is one of the most commonly used drugs, is one of the few available to pretty much anyone of any age with very little difficulty, and ridiculous numbers of kids are being diagnosed as ADHD. Well, of *course* they can't sit still for hours - children aren't *supposed* to! Go watch how the young of other species act, sometime...
Eh. Some people diagnosed with ADHD are valid diagnoses, I realize this. But, sheesh!
Here! Drink some coke! Now, go sit still for hours in classes that probably bore the hell out of you.
Mmmf.
The Golden Rule is horribly, horribly flawed.
Sure, it sounds great to treat everyone the way you want to be treated. But that idea completely ignores the fact that people vary. What one person needs desperately may be the precise thing that will slowly drive another person insane.
Trying to do for someone else what you would like done for you is ripe for unhappiness and confusion. It also makes it all to easy for people to not think to ask what someone else needs. All too often, things end up with both parties feeling unappraciated, misunderstood, and unloved.
Of course, often enough, this tactic is fine. The problem comes about when it's not fine - and neither party understands where the problem is, nor what needs to be done. If it never worked, no one would try to use it.
(Which incidentally, I think applies for a whole bunch of things that people do, but which when taken to extremes, cause problems. I suspect a *lot* of the problems people have are because they took a method that worked, and overused it. They stopped being able to act any other way, to adjust to situations)
Take an example where you have one person who, when faced with confusion or pain, needs desperately to talk about it. Suppose you have another whose reaction is to withdraw inside themselves to think about it. Giving the first person time is painful for them. The same goes for trying to encourage the second person to talk about it.
I realize that sometimes asking what someone needs won't help - people don't always know what they need. In which case, pay attention to their reaction should you decide to do whatever you would appreciate having done. And if you don't like their reaction, keep in mind that it may not be you, but simply that what you tried was not what they needed. Not appreciating your attempts to be helpful, regardless of whether or not those methods are something that has always worked for you, is not an attack on you or the fact that it works for you.
I like the golden rule in principle - it certainly tries to convey to the idea of trying to do for others as they need, especially considering that it's nearly impossible to know what other people need, and many people don't even *know* what they need.
But... for anyone who is someone one is at all close to, it's dangerous. Dangerous to assume that one necessarily knows what the correct response is, that what works for one person will work for another.
Talking about it can help quite a lot, even if the other person doesn't know. It might help them start looking for the answer, and may be able to help them at least explain what are *not* good things to do.
There's also the fact that sometimes what people need changes as they do. Because people most certainly do change.
And yes, I *do* realize precisely how difficult it can be to tell another person what you really, truly, want and need. Believe me, I understand exactly how scary that is, how vulnerable it can make you feel. And I do not at all claim to be amazing at it, nor at remembering to ask what another person needs. But it's still good to keep in mind.
It's good to keep in mind that it's not all about the intent. Intent helps, most certainly. But intent doesn't help much if what you keep attempting to do doesn't help, or makes things worse.
It's very, very unlikely that everyone you care about will have the same beliefs that you do about life, or the same needs and desires in times of stress. Or the same views on things you may think to be completely obvious, basic beliefs.
There is no common sense. There are very few widespread human truths, perhaps not any. Common sense is taught and learned, some picking it up much better than others. The 'truths' about what is good and what is not is taught, and in some cases figured out on one's own.
I don't know if I had a point here, aisde from ranting a lot. *shrug*
Sleep now. Enough random ranting for the evening.
Oh - and if I'm ranting, I probably don't really mean anything I said *quite* as definitively as it may have come across. I think I managed to find most of the excessively certain statements and reword them, though.
Hmm. I wonder how many people reading here didn't realize that I ranted?
