(no subject)

[wispfox]

Why... am I awake? I do not understand. There was napping, true, but more 'lying there with eyes closed' than anything. There was not swimming, although there should have been, and none tomorrow night because J-with-no-LJ visits me.

I do not know yet if I can handle more swimming than last time I tried! I wish to know this.

There are small numbers of absurd knees-still-on-the-ground push-ups. But! not counter-based!

The kitty is waiting outside jasra's room, but she is not here tonight. Poor kitty.

Touch hungry, yes, but I only realized it when I snuggled a jasra this morning, and even though intensely hungry, did not want to stop. I missed her lots!

I miss metahacker. I do not _like_ being out of touch (mostly) for what will end up being over two weeks. My brain is full!

I miss australian_joe less than I used to do, thankfully. And less than when he first left. But the guest room is empty of his stuff, and I finally stopped catching his scent around the apartment (perhaps now I will be able to smell it on his pillow?).

I want to not have to worry at _all_ about my wrists. I am impatient. To climb trees. To play computer games when I want to not be in my own head. To search and research and investigate my future plans for school. To take a class and not worry about the amount of work it requires to work and take a class. To swim, to be able to get strong as fast as I _want_, instead of being careful and taking it slowly to not go back into flare again.

While I'm at it... I want to fly, I want to breathe water, I want to be able to teleport but still be able to enjoy the journey when that is the point.

I want a kitty that is _mine_, like Ash was. But that would be unkind, as I will be wandering the country, and then in school, and a cat would not like that very much. But I miss My Cat.

I want to know why I'm not sleeping. And have not been sleeping. Well, at least, for what feels like a month now. Why not sleeping well? I hope the weighted blanket, which is on its way, and which is not cheap, helps. I hope very much, because I don't want that I no longer sleep well anymore, even with the pills trying to beat my brain into being quiet. But then, there is too much in there and it is not quiet.

I cannot tell, with my right hand - and have not been able to tell for a long time - if the sensation is that of warning of flare, of needing more activity, of needing me to give it more work. This makes trying to balance strength work, regular activity, work, play, and _not going into flare_ rather complicated. I wish I knew how to re-train my brain. Or arm.

I don't drive with my wrist braces anymore. I gave up on dvorak because I was unable to type without looking at the keyboard. I'm actually typing right now with no brace; I'm considering continuing that for a week and seeing what happens (still will wear arm warmers, as needed. Damn cold sensitive things!).

I am so tired. Maybe if I try again to sleep, I will be able to do so. Maybe having turned on the A/C will have helped. I thought it was cool enough but... maybe I need a shower before I will not feel too warm. Or to swim.

That series by P. C. Hodgell makes it very hard to put the book down and sleep. This can_not_ be helping with my sleep troubles, but I'm _bored_ and trying to not do too much with my wrists, as boredom often makes me prone to doing.

I consider re-activating World of Warcraft, because it's a good brain off-ness, and it's easier on my wrists than most computer games (although not more easy than most of my Wii games), and more interesting to my brain than most of them, too.

Synesthesia, prosopagnosia (Harvard!), body language, understanding tone and inflection, reading facial expressions... areas of my fascination, areas of focus with which I can hunt for schools to apply to.

Interestingly, I had entirely forgotten that I'd taken the GRE in 2000. They only last 5 years, so they have expired, but I apparently didn't find it terribly notable, if I completely forgot taking it!

Yeah. I need to try to sleep again. My brain hurts. Mmm. Technically, my head hurts, but my tiredness makes it _feel_ like my brain hurts. Probably, being awake is fighting the ativan, too. So maybe it really does hurt.

Why am I so much more easily bored when I'm tired? I do not understand this. I understand having a harder time making myself get excercise/do strength work/etc. Ok, I do understand the bored, as well: if I have no focus, what can I do to not be bored? And then, if I find something, how do I not obsess to the point of either overdoing it with my wrists, or being unable to sleep.

I am glad that work has a gym. It is much easier to use something when one is near it anyway. First thing in the morning, or at lunch, and I've been using it on days I"m in for something like 3 weeks now.

Gra. Sleep now, I hope. If the room is cooler, I can at least pile on more blankets for the weight.

Comments

[australian-joe.livejournal.com]

Miaow!

... starting to miss you.

If the room is cooler, I can at least pile on more blankets for the weight.

I've found Karina several times asleep (when it's warm) with the ceiling fan on plus a blanket. When I've suggested we turn the fan off, she protests because she'll be too warm. When I suggest removing the blanket, she protests because she likes the weight. (We do have 100% green electricity so it's while it's wasteful, it's at least a carbon-neutral waste. 8-) )

[jasra]

Full-headed woman. :( *hugs*