[brains] As I appear to have a few moments of rationality

[wispfox]

It is so very frustrating to be able to look at my thought patterns, be able to point at the things which are inaccurate and wrong, be able to explain to myself _why_ they are inaccurate and wrong, and not have it make a damn bit of difference. Partly because the bits that are sane and reasonable keep getting mixed up with the bits that aren't, and it's significant effort to separate them out and keep them separate. And partly because right now I'm way too good at saying 'yes, but', rather than ignoring things.

Normally, knowing, accepting, and understanding the reasons for things is sufficient for things to not bother me (sometimes they will take a bit to chill out, but it's generally temporary). Even if they are things I don't like or would prefer to be another way, I can at least accept and cope with things (there are, I note, things that I cannot accept, and therefore cannot cope with. I tend to try to remove such things from my life). I _like_ that this is normally true for me. 'Why' is normally one of the most important questions I can have answered, no matter what the context.

Not so right now. Right now, I have to watch everything I do, say, or want to do or say, and make sure that there aren't hidden reasons for them. Or that I'm not doing/saying something as a rationalization for what's fucked up in my head right now. Or that I'm not getting back into bad habits as far as what I expect people to do, regardless of there being no reason to expect it, and in fact having reasons to expect otherwise. And regardless of the amount of time I've put into escaping those bad habits. (Hey, at least I can recognize them as bad habits, right?)

It's actually, I suspect, easier to cope with this time of year if I do actually have things to be upset about that I would still be ok with being upset about even if it were not this time of year. Because then I have an outlet which doesn't entail me being pissed off at my fucked up brain patterns. At least not quite so much.

(Yes, yes, I know. Emotions are valid, period. But the problem with that is, if I don't keep an eye on which thought patterns make sense and which ones don't, I'm all too likely to use faulty thought patterns to come to an inaccurate, and often poisonous, conclusion)


In a vaguely related kind of way, I was struck by the thought that perhaps the timing for Valentine's day is because this time of year is just generally more difficult on people's connections with other people (they sure as hell are for me!), and perhaps the day is an attempt to remind people that they might need to work a little harder right now. That possibility does mean that Valentine's day no longer annoys me quite as much as it used to, since now it's not quite so much about getting people to do things that they should already be doing, and more about reminding them that this time of year is especially difficult on relationships. At least in my experience.

Yeah. Thingy. Also, I'm way too prone to babbling and overwhelming people with information right now. *Wry* Either I shut up, or I talk way too much and make it impossible to find a point to what I'm saying. Lovely.

Comments

[regyt.livejournal.com]

For the record, I read and enjoy all your [brains] posts. My wiring is (of course) not the same, but there's some overlap where it's nice to see someone else understanding, and the wiring differences are fascinating, too. So you're not babbling too much for me.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Well, I note that this particular post wasn't what I was referring to when I mentioned babbling (I was thinking of some email I've sent today). It wasn't too bad in that particular respect. :)

But I'm glad that you enjoy my posts of this type! And that it both fascinates and illustrates overlap.

[dilletante.livejournal.com]

even when i don't identify at all, i find the way that you look at your own thought processes interesting, and it inspires me to take a closer look at mine. something i could probably use. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

i find the way that you look at your own thought processes interesting, and it inspires me to take a closer look at mine. something i could probably use. :)

*chuckle* You know, I really like it when people mention this kind of thing.

It's part (although certainly not all, and not even the primary motive) of why I post as much as I do about the inside of my head, and publically.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ditto -- what I was going to say, but better put. :-)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It is so very frustrating to be able to look at my thought patterns, be able to point at the things which are inaccurate and wrong, be able to explain to myself _why_ they are inaccurate and wrong, and not have it make a damn bit of difference. Partly because the bits that are sane and reasonable keep getting mixed up with the bits that aren't, and it's significant effort to separate them out and keep them separate.

Yes yes yes.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*smile* And for the information, I thank you. :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*wry* Is this new with the medication? Or previous?

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Started with the first medication - all of the meds are different types of it.

There's a line from the final episode of Firefly that helps:

"She understands. She doesn't comprehend."
--River, referring to herself.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

*wry* You on anti-seizure meds = me in the wintertime. At least to some degree.

You know, that's kinda terrifying.

Also, yes. I really rather like River. A lot. Identify with her a bit too much for my comfort, but hey...

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

You on anti-seizure meds = me in the wintertime. At least to some degree.

Seems like it...

I need to find my equivalent of sunshine!

Identify with her a bit too much for my comfort, but hey...

Heh. Me too.

I felt the most Riveresque when I was on Keppra. Gods, that was awful. I was watching Firefly with Adam and I just started crying - "That! That's me! That's what it feels like to try to think, and to try to *tell* you...."

It's a lot better on Trileptal. A *lot*.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

One of my mother's favorite saying is "Insight is not curative." :) But I'm with you in wishing it were!

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

One of my mother's favorite saying is "Insight is not curative." :) But I'm with you in wishing it were!

*smile* But the thing is, most of the time, for me, it _is_ curative. Unless it's something that I do not think I can or should live with.

It's the exception, not the rule, that it is not.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I need to find my equivalent of sunshine!

Indeed, although I haven't the foggiest idea of what that might be.

It's a lot better on Trileptal. A *lot*.

Sounds it! Yikes...

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

hee! I know what you mean, but I do not think that it is what you said :)

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Hee! Ok. Now I'm curious as to how you would have said what I meant to say?

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

I think the confusion comes from the unclear referent of "it." The way your sentence read to me at first was "When I realize why I'm doing something, I can stop doing it. Unless, of course, the thing I'm doing is something that I don't think I can or should live with, in which case I keep doing it" :)

I might have said "The thing is, for me it usually _is_ curative, unless it's something that I want to do?" Or something like that?