[query] non-destructive ways to handle emotional pain?

[wispfox]

So, I realized that I don't really know of good ways to handle emotional pain that aren't destructive and/or self-defeating. Well, beyond just dealing and gritting my teeth through it (which is what I usually do, combined with distraction methods).

This sorta bothers me, because I'd really rather _have_ useful methods for such.

Non-useful suggestions, in case anyone is wondering what has occured and been discarded thus far, include any sort of chemical escape methods, inflicting physical pain in order to handle the non-physical version - although I suppose I can see ways in which this might not be destructive, breaking stuff.

Possibly useful ones that I can think of would be vigorous excercise of some sort (except that I've never been able to escape into excercise, except swimming, since my (mild) asthma gets in the way of that idea), loud music, reading - but I can't really read if I'm sufficiently hurting to need to _do_ something about it. I have better coping mechanisms for anger than for pain - anger, at least, I can use my lacrosse ball & stick to go beat up on a poor unsuspecting wall.

Crying, obviously - but there's only so much crying that one can do. And it takes a _lot_ of effort to get myself to do that.

One thing's for sure, I _have_ to let some of this out somehow.

Maybe I'll watch _Dancer in the Dark_ tonight...

Comments

[regyt.livejournal.com]

I usually use pain energy to obsessively learn a new skill.

[ladytabitha.livejournal.com]

For anger, I sing to music that's loud and angry, thus I lose myself in the music.  Not just listening to it, but interacting with it.

For pain and sadness, I sing to music that has lyrics that are sad.  DitD would work for you, I imagine - I essentially poke and prod my pain until I start crying.  Usually very loudly.  So, I bombard myself with sad things and painy things, including writing about what's sucking (privately, of course), until I let it out.

[dancingwolfgrrl.livejournal.com]

Writing sometimes helps for me, in a getting-it-out-of-my-head-and-on-to-paper way.

[phaedra-lari.livejournal.com]

I write in my paper journal. Take introspective walks. Dance sadly or angrily or whateverly to mood-appropriate music. Do a ritual act of some sort. Talk to a friend. Talk to a stuffed animal. Hit a pillow very hard over and over (for anger family feelings only). Take a long hot bath and brood in candelight (mostly for sadness family).

[sharp-blue.livejournal.com]

I find the best thing is ranting to friends in an IRC channel. I don't know why IRC is better for this than talking to people in person or writing emails or IMing, but it just is. But, having said that, during the worst time of my life (http://www.theculture.org/rich/sharpblue/archives/000114.html) I totally withdrew from all my friends and mostly felt nothing but blankness.

I'm glad that you've rejected the use of physical pain as a coping strategy. Experience with several friends has taught me that self-inflicted pain (or, more specifically, self-inflicted injury) is both highly maladaptive and addictive.

[fraterrisus]

go for a drive, somewhere far-ish away. i like hampton beach at 1am. might not be so much fun in the summer though.

i can think of some physical ways to deal with it, but they'll work better for some people than others. dunno.

turn the music up really loud, so loud you can't think. this usually gives me a headache.

cry. talk it out with somebody close and/or important.

hug somebody.

[jul3z.livejournal.com]

taiko always works for me. hard to stay angry when you're beating the hell out of a drum.

Go for a long walk, listening to music or talking to someone the whole way.

Write letters getting all the pain and anger out, then burn them.

[randysmith]

The images I can think of to share have to do with the metaphor of a wound. You want to do your best to clean it out, maybe put some alcohol on it so that it doesn't get infected (ow!), put a bandage on it, and then do your best not to pick at it. Maybe some anestic as well. What those actually map to I dunno (I've done mental visualization aroudn them sometimes), but I could imagine the various forms of painful music/musing as being the alcohol, cuddling with other people as being the anesthetic, and distraction (computer games, reading, excercise, etc.) as being the not poking at it.

Good luck. I'm really sorry.

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

I read this and your previous post and I was not sure I had anything to add. Crying in the arms of a loved one, listening to cathartic music with headphone on buried in a bean bag chair, distracting yourself by being around lots of friends at a gathering, searching out new meanings in art/music, long walks in a know comfortable beautiful outdoor setting, all have their place. Time is what it really takes.

I used to have a happy book I'd read when ever I felt down. For me it was Way Station by Clifford D. Simak. A wonderful short book that always left me feeling up. Maybe you have a similar book.

I was reading some Shel Silverstein to my kids before bed earlier this evening and this one caught my attention. Maybe this will give you smile:

Hug O' War

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Time is what it really takes.

I know.

And I have Hug O' War on the wall of my cube. :)

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* Why am I not surprised?

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

I have a copy of all three of Shel Silverstein's poetry books *bounce!*. Somebody had a graphic copy of Hug'o'War on their profile, so I mooched it.

[theferrett.livejournal.com]

Ditto. I find channelling a hurt into something useful spins crap into gold. And that never hurts.

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

I have two of his poetry collections plus the Giving Tree and will be adding more as time allows. I should *NOT* be buying more books till *AFTER* I move in a couple of weeks. I probably will anyway, it is hard to resist a good book when I'm in the mood.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I never fail to be startled (in a good way) when you comment in my journal. Just sayin'.

Also - channeling hurt into useful kinda depends on how strongly distracting the hurt is as compared to the useful. It's _difficult_, at least early on in stages of dealing with hurt, for me to find things that distract me enough at the same time as being useful.

Maybe I could learn to play my harp. That might work, since music is also an outlet for my emotions...

*thinks*

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah! I have a copy of The Giving Tree too, but it's in another state. *sad*

Which one are you missing? (Where the Sidewalk Ends, A Light in the Attic, Falling Up)

Neither should I, for the same reason. But I did anyhow. *glee!*

[ian-gunn.livejournal.com]

I have the first two so It looks like I should make space for Falling Up at some point. NT="insulating house with books" :) I'd decided the next book I'd get for leisure reading would be the Da Vinci Code, probably after cleaning out our house, packing, moving etc...

[bridgetester.livejournal.com]

I believe Falling Up was published later, but I'm too lazy to check publication dates.

Nono, bookworm="insulating house with books". Some NT's merely heat their houses with overclocked computers.

I do both. :D

I still need to take a look at The Da Vinci Code *muses* but all I really should have time for in the next few weeks is classhomework, working, moving or unpacking. Of course, that means a lot of random reading will happen too, because whoever said that I only do what I should be doing...

[fourgates.livejournal.com]

You know how in fiction books there will be blank lines between some paragraphs to break out sub-chapters or events? I'm of the opion that one of sleep's main purposes is to compartmentalize our experience of life so the emotional effects of some events don't unduly carry on, or just to give us a chance to do deeper processing. This thought is sometimes of some help to me when I need to get something processed. The processing is often easier the next day. Sleep -- it makes yesterday yesterday.

A related method is to simply try to verbalize all of the feelings in simplest terms -- "I'm feeling X because Y", and think up variations to try to be somewhat comprehensive in covering it. Doing this over and over seems to adhere those emotions somewhat to the general timeframe that I say them (if only to myself), making it a bit easier to move on. This is, somehow, like a minimalist self-counseling session. I also find that this is more effective with a friend's help.

But then, maybe processing isn't the goal. I also have trouble venting/pushing through pain constructively. If you figure it out, would you let me know?

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

DitD is known to help, actually - it's why I own it.

And good thought on the poking at pain until crying - I tend to find that I try to avoid it, even though parts of me are like 'dude! Stop avoiding! No wonder you don't cry!'.

I should work on that.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I do that a lot anyway, so it seems to help less with more unusual states of mind for me.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Hampton at 1am...

See, if driving didn't take so much energy, I'd _love_ that idea. I still sometimes walk to a nearby park, but being in the middle of a city (admittedly, a small one) makes that less helpful than it could be.

Crying is generally what I try to do, but I'm bad at it. I don't let it out easily.

Loud music sometimes helps.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

taiko?

Long walks often help... but I get lost easily, so I rarely let myself wander as much as I might like. I really should carry a map with me on walks... I have a map of the area, even.

Letters help not so much for me, probably because I use writing to get everything out already, as well as because finding words is effortful for me.

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

I continue to _really_ like this metaphor. Just wanted to comment.

I shared it with aelisdeliria when I first saw the comment, because I liked it so much.

I think I keep waffling between needing alcohol and anesthetic. I do enough with distraction as a matter of course...

[wispfox.livejournal.com]

Sleep helps, but I tend to have amazing trouble sleeping when there are things that are unsettled in my mind.

Probably contributes to my current difficulties sleeping, actually.

I think the most effective thing I've found so far with dealing with the pain is getting myself to cry when it'd overwhelming (doesn't matter how I manage to cry, I just need the release), taking time to just _be_ - preferably outdoors, and lots of resting. Which I keep forgetting.

[kkpixie.livejournal.com]

Harps are beautiful things.

If you need a teacher, Carry Kourkoumelis in Melrose is awesome. I can give you her number if you'd like.

When I'm mad about something else, playing my harp gives me something else to be mad about and a chance to focus(because I'm obessive and have to play the piece *just* *right*.

*hug*