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Entry tags:
Anger, depression, musings
This post has been percolating for a while, largely because winter is making itself known in my mood.
I do not handle anger directed at me very well. I don't get angry very often, so I do not know how well I handle it in myself (that may itself be indicative of not handling it well in myself. No idea!).
I handle it better than I used to, though.
I think that I have trouble parsing angry body language accurately. This may, of course, be because most people try to not show it. I do not know. But in poking at this possibility, I know that I inaccurately peg apparently neutral facial expressions as angry, and that I often do not realize that angry body language is angry (distress, yes... but not necessarily angry).
I also know that I have significant trouble differentiating other people's anger from irritable and snappy. This may or may not relate to the possibility that depression can be because of self-directed anger (rather than directing it outwardly).
I suspect that my difficulty accurately detecting anger and separating anger from snappy/irritable may be much of why anger scares me. Again, less than it used to. (I seem to no longer freeze and stop processing input. I think.)
But... if anger scares me externally, it's entirely possible that it scares me internally. And thus may be why I have a strong tendency to, when depressed and therefore snappy, get very quiet instead. Because I do not want to be lashing out. This may relate to my mother also having seasonal depression. And 6 kids. And therefore, as far as we could tell, being irritable and unpleasant to be around for no apparent reason. (I suspect it was seasonal, from what I know now)
Anger feels to me like an attack or a punishment, whether or not that is the intention or reason for it. Logically, I realize that angry people are rarely actually _trying_ to be attacking or punishing, and often anger is from fear, worry, and other forms of pain or hurt. That really doesn't seem to matter much, emotionally.
Actually, if I'm in a sane state of mind, anger that is not actually because of something I did feels like lashing out as a form of intimidation, and so I will generally try to neither back down nor escalate. It's rarely clear if that is the correct behavior, and doing that means I do not easily give myself the space I need to not stop processing if it becomes too much.
And being able to _not_ automatically assume that I did something is really quite... inconsistent.
But people get irritable and snappy far more often than they get angry. Especially in winter. If I can't tell which it is, this is - and it _is_ - a problem, especially since the appropriate reactions to irritable/snappy and angry are very different. It is true that I can, to an extent, learn specific people's reactions well enough to at least theoretically guess which variation it is. But it very much depends on how well I read a person in general. And I wonder if my reaction to snappy/irritable - to get quieter - may in fact parse to me from other people as angry. And to other people, when I do it.
Wow, this is rather incoherent, even for me. I'm clearly still processing on this! Mostly, though, I think the fact that I cannot easily accurately detect angry body language is the biggest problem, here.
I do not handle anger directed at me very well. I don't get angry very often, so I do not know how well I handle it in myself (that may itself be indicative of not handling it well in myself. No idea!).
I handle it better than I used to, though.
I think that I have trouble parsing angry body language accurately. This may, of course, be because most people try to not show it. I do not know. But in poking at this possibility, I know that I inaccurately peg apparently neutral facial expressions as angry, and that I often do not realize that angry body language is angry (distress, yes... but not necessarily angry).
I also know that I have significant trouble differentiating other people's anger from irritable and snappy. This may or may not relate to the possibility that depression can be because of self-directed anger (rather than directing it outwardly).
I suspect that my difficulty accurately detecting anger and separating anger from snappy/irritable may be much of why anger scares me. Again, less than it used to. (I seem to no longer freeze and stop processing input. I think.)
But... if anger scares me externally, it's entirely possible that it scares me internally. And thus may be why I have a strong tendency to, when depressed and therefore snappy, get very quiet instead. Because I do not want to be lashing out. This may relate to my mother also having seasonal depression. And 6 kids. And therefore, as far as we could tell, being irritable and unpleasant to be around for no apparent reason. (I suspect it was seasonal, from what I know now)
Anger feels to me like an attack or a punishment, whether or not that is the intention or reason for it. Logically, I realize that angry people are rarely actually _trying_ to be attacking or punishing, and often anger is from fear, worry, and other forms of pain or hurt. That really doesn't seem to matter much, emotionally.
Actually, if I'm in a sane state of mind, anger that is not actually because of something I did feels like lashing out as a form of intimidation, and so I will generally try to neither back down nor escalate. It's rarely clear if that is the correct behavior, and doing that means I do not easily give myself the space I need to not stop processing if it becomes too much.
And being able to _not_ automatically assume that I did something is really quite... inconsistent.
But people get irritable and snappy far more often than they get angry. Especially in winter. If I can't tell which it is, this is - and it _is_ - a problem, especially since the appropriate reactions to irritable/snappy and angry are very different. It is true that I can, to an extent, learn specific people's reactions well enough to at least theoretically guess which variation it is. But it very much depends on how well I read a person in general. And I wonder if my reaction to snappy/irritable - to get quieter - may in fact parse to me from other people as angry. And to other people, when I do it.
Wow, this is rather incoherent, even for me. I'm clearly still processing on this! Mostly, though, I think the fact that I cannot easily accurately detect angry body language is the biggest problem, here.