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[brains, social]
I noticed an interesting thing in my head while driving home tonight.
I appear to be very reluctant to pursue potential friendships with people if I do not know that they are poly. Especially if they are male, and even more so if they have a partner. I am unsure if the behavior of the (presumably monogamous) people's partner affects things, since my not being able to read a person has a similar (but less strong) effect on things as them being actively hostile or wary of me. (ie, I can't be comfortable around them)
I'm sure this has much to do with the fact that my close friendship behavior (both forming and existing) is not much different than my behavior when exploring the possibility of someone as a lover, and with the fact that I have _far_ too much experience with inadvertently causing jealousy reactions because of friendships I've had. And it seriously sucks to lose friendships, especially the close ones which are most likely to cause this reaction.
But it seems sad. Especially considering the gender imbalance aspect. Because, apparently, it's ok for my close friendships to be close (for me, this includes affectionate touch, snugging, and in-depth conversations, among other things) if it's with women. But not if it's with men who are not available.
Meh.
I appear to be very reluctant to pursue potential friendships with people if I do not know that they are poly. Especially if they are male, and even more so if they have a partner. I am unsure if the behavior of the (presumably monogamous) people's partner affects things, since my not being able to read a person has a similar (but less strong) effect on things as them being actively hostile or wary of me. (ie, I can't be comfortable around them)
I'm sure this has much to do with the fact that my close friendship behavior (both forming and existing) is not much different than my behavior when exploring the possibility of someone as a lover, and with the fact that I have _far_ too much experience with inadvertently causing jealousy reactions because of friendships I've had. And it seriously sucks to lose friendships, especially the close ones which are most likely to cause this reaction.
But it seems sad. Especially considering the gender imbalance aspect. Because, apparently, it's ok for my close friendships to be close (for me, this includes affectionate touch, snugging, and in-depth conversations, among other things) if it's with women. But not if it's with men who are not available.
Meh.
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I usually don't worry about those things, but only because I'm a scurrilous blackguard.
The girl is either poly or monogamous. If she's monogamous, she's either willing to cheat on her S/O or she isn't.
And since there's never any 100% proof-positive guarantee that she WOULDN'T be willing to cheat under the right conditions, I just remain perpetually optimistic about the situation. :D
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...and I hate to sound like I habitually try to break up relationships by stealing beautiful girls away from their boyfriends. But if I'm anything, it's honest-with-myself, and I know that if someone cheats on their significant other with me, I'm not going to try to stop them. That's always between him and her. I'm probably a wretched person for feeling this way, but I never try to impose my OWN morality (or lack thereof) on others... [shrugs]
But within MY marriage, I always try to follow the rules. [nods]
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What's a YKIOK??
Don't be afraid, I'm harmless. Ask anyone. I'm a libraian. Narcoleptic squirrels are tougher than us. [nodnodnod]
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I think lesbian/bi culture is much more comfortable with casual touch than straight mainstream culture. Sigh.
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Ironically, the only time I got a really jealous response from a girlfriend was from a girlfriend in an open relationship. And my brain went "Wait, what?? You're poly and I'm harmless! How is this a problem?"
I definitely try to be careful of others' relationship boundaries but I generally don't run up against them. The people I'm cuddly friends with don't often date people who would get jealous of cuddling. Because that would be unfortunate all around.
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*nod* But what about new people? Do you just not go the cuddly route and avoid the problem entirely?
Re: pursuing potential friendships
One thing that I've done with people is to make sure and include someone's SO in activities and such as much as they are comfortable with that. Sometimes this works.