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Long. Retrospective.
Others have written of change, and growth. And it struck me that, 2 years ago, I was in the middle of what I now think of as a time when I was simply not sane.
I don't mean by this that I was dangerous, physically, to anyone. But I did not know who I was, at _all_. I was driving myself and the person I was living with and intensely emotionally attached to completely batty, both because of my lack of self-awareness and because I had just graduated from college (Spring '01).
I did not know who I was when I was out of school. School had been my major focus for my entire life, and once that focus was gone, I was lost. Badly, badly lost. I had also never lived on my own, even though I escaped my parents home when I was 17.
Things that had happened in my life up to that point, including learning things about my family that make me even more nervous about my minimal amount of childhood memories, and having had my trust betrayed _badly_ a few years before I graduated, were no longer things I could mostly ignore. They made themselves very... noticeable. All at once.
I didn't know what I wanted, even as far as things as small as what things I might enjoy doing with my free time. Everything I'd tended to do with my free time up till that point was, for the most part, things other people had suggested to do. I had also not _had_ much free time. My major focus for who I was had tended to be other people. Family, friends, lovers. Never myself. I didn't think it was as bad as that at the time - and indeed, it was not as bad as I've seen happen to those whose self relies largely upon other people. But that does not negate the fact that I did not know who I was or what I wanted.
I didn't know who I was. I knew myself within the context of school, and within the context of unbalanced relationships with other people. But not within the context of a relationship with _myself_. And I was not even very aware of this fact, or the fact that I did not know what I wanted.
Even though I was not hearing and understanding it, the one who I was with at the time was trying, very hard, to _show_ me what I did not know, and needed to know. To give me a place to start searching. And, though it took breaking up with me to finally get me to a point where I could start the process in any sort of useful way, I did finally begin to understand what had been said to me, time and time again. There were many very important things taught to me as a result of that relationship; sometimes very painful realizations about myself.
I have been living on my own, for the first time ever, for two years this coming August. I have had roommates during that time, but there was time at the beginning that I was truly on my own, if one does not include my cat. And none of the roommates I've had have been people I was seriously emotionally involved with. This makes a huge difference, I've found. Not family, and not intense emotional involvement.
I better learned who I was, on my own, without someone else around. I better learned what I need, both in terms of time to myself (this was the major time during which I learned how I process), and time with other people. I also better learned how to tell who would be _good_ for me, who would be enjoyable to spend time with, and who I could only spend time with when my energy level was high. (note: all of this is 'better' learned - I'm still learning, and this is still all pretty new and not fully assimilated yet)
I finally learned how to make winters, if not _good_, at least reasonably bearable - both for myself and for those who are close to me. And how to ask for the affectionate physical contact that I derive so much good from. Even though it bothers me significantly to be asking friends for things because a part of me needs it, and not simply because I _want_ to do something. I know too well how strongly other people's needs affect me, and suspect that this is why I'm so uncomfortable asking other people for things based on need.
I have been facing the various demons that have been haunting me, and although some of them are certainly not gone yet, many of them _are_. This has been with help, in many cases, since it's very important to me to have people that I can talk to. Even better when, as has tended to happen more often in the last year or so, they understand me very well. I think the first time I ran into this was the one who I was with 2 years ago, and suspect that may be why I became so strongly attached.
I don't currently have someone with whom there is easy and frequent mutual digging through psyches. For the most part, I still have too much of the 'but I might annoy them by saying the same damn thing over and over and over again', as well as needing, _very_ much, to have the investigative behaviors be _mutual_ - otherwise I won't feel as comfortable initiating such things.
Most of the people I know simply don't have that kind of time (myself included - which is another reason I prefer the written forum mentioned next), and I have a possibly annoying need to do a fair amount of this kind of investigation in a written forum (usually email). Preferably _not_ synchronously, so I have time to formulate my thoughts. I can (and do, now. I didn't used to be able to...) also do it in person, but it's much harder, and tends to need to be later in my verbalization process.
But, though some of my demons are gone, and others are weakened, this is not a journey I ever expect (or want!) to be done with. Successfully getting beyond my various major demons? Perhaps. Some day. Most of them have to do with fear, and letting go. But my self-exploration will not end there. Indeed, it should not. There's always more to find, and that is how it should be. I would probably be bored, otherwise. And doing that exploration with other people, now that I have enough of a sense of self that it's reasonable, and that I am no longer in major danger of trying to exist for someone else, is a very interesting, often pleasant, and sometimes painful (but healing) experience.
I begin to understand how my catalystic nature works. At least to some extent. I am not sure how long I've been aware of it, but I know it was only recently that I was able to see it as not a majorly problematic thing (due to the number of friends I've lost because of it). In fact, I begin to understand how it's a really useful thing.
I have a fascination with other people's psyches, a good ability to get a sense of people's core self if they are not really closed off (note: when I can't do this, I can't be comfortable with a person), and a possibly automatic sense of when something about a person is 'off' from my sense of their core self, and a drive to point it out to them. I also tend to be able to 'hear' what needs to happen, to be said, and similar. This can be a very powerful force for necessary change, if people are willing to let it happen. Took me a while to realize that I simply _could not_ let myself try to help those who were not active participants in that process - it's like throwing my energy into a black hole. But, more interestingly, even if I am _not_ actively delving into someone's mind, it seems that being around me enough can _still_ be an agent for needed change. I don't entirely know why this might be true.
I also begin to trust that people won't abandom me. This is a major victory in itself. But, being a relatively recent one, is still fragile.
Two years ago? I would never have been driving in Greater Boston, because I would have been too afraid of getting lost (I still dislike getting lost, but I can function through it now). I was terrified of the T. I would not have been traveling alone, or anywhere nearly as much as I have been and plan to continue doing this year - even if I had the money, I would have been too afraid. I would not have been willing to go to so many group social activities of people I did not know well.
I have more recently been able to know who I am in the context of energy work, and similar. And I have mostly stopped second-guessing myself and my perceptions, partly because of the group I am working with now, and partly because I have been blessed with getting to know other people whose views of such things are similar to my own. Neither ridiculously fluffy and impossible for me to place any faith in or follow, nor so strongly focused on the ability to prove things with current scientific technology that I feel like half of who I am is being labeled as fantasy. Balance. It is nice to stop questioning everything I'm experiencing, and to be able to simply accept that I have a somewhat hazy separation between concrete reality and what could, in my more cynical moments, simply be fantasy.
Indeed. I have changed. And I like the changes, because it feels like I am coming closer to who I actually _am_. There is less dissonance within me between who I _am_ and what I do. Which, I am quite sure, also makes winters easier than thay have been. Without something to get paranoid about, I cannot spiral as badly.
It is so strange to look back on who I was, know that who I was is still a part of who I am, and yet so very wildly different from who I am now. Strange, but wonderful. Beautiful, even. Being able to see myself becoming more whole is, indeed, a beautiful experience.
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I know I hate when I have this feeling; I'm very much an explorer of my thoughts and the "why" of what I feel and do, even though that means I have to go over the same ground a few times (or a whole crapload of times) until I understand something. I always worry that no one else is interested in hearing about me going on and on with this, so I tend to keep these things internal, or once in a while toss them into my journal.
I have a fascination with other people's psyches, a good ability to get a sense of people's core self if they are not really closed off (note: when I can't do this, I can't be comfortable with a person), and a possibly automatic sense of when something about a person is 'off' from my sense of their core self, and a drive to point it out to them. I also tend to be able to 'hear' what needs to happen, to be said, and similar. This can be a very powerful force for necessary change, if people are willing to let it happen. Took me a while to realize that I simply _could not_ let myself try to help those who were not active participants in that process - it's like throwing my energy into a black hole. But, more interestingly, even if I am _not_ actively delving into someone's mind, it seems that being around me enough can _still_ be an agent for needed change. I don't entirely know why this might be true.
So what you are trying to say is that you are me, is that it?
I tend to see potential in other people; its a gift, in a way, but also a terrible, terrible curse. When I can see what someone is capable of, and then they say something like "One day, I'd like to do so and so", wherein that is something that I can readily see is within their potential, then I want to, and will, contribute my energies to that effort. All too often, however, it turns out that most folks 1) have much greater potential than they will ever realize and 2) find it easier to come up with reasons as to why they shouldn't fulfill their own desires than they do to actually put an effort into reaching those dreams. I've gradually come to realize that I need to stop putting out such efforts except when someone consciously requests my aid. To often, I've gone along attempting to support someone in reaching a dream that they have shared with me, only to later have this turned on me, like I was pushing them to do something they didn't wanna do. Freaky. I've had enough of that, for certain.
It is so strange to look back on who I was, know that who I was is still a part of who I am, and yet so very wildly different from who I am now. Strange, but wonderful. Beautiful, even. Being able to see myself becoming more whole is, indeed, a beautiful experience.
That you can see the beauty of it is the best part. I've certainly had dark times, where everything seemed like it was in burning ruins all about me. It's only been relatively recently that I've started to regain perspective, and see the truth of my life, the transformations that I've went through, and to appreciate the glory of it all. The best part is that, in my experience, you'll get to have this moment of discovery and clarity over and over again, through your growth in life, and with each time, you feel a bit closer to "it" - to that grand understanding of self - than you did the time before. It makes going through the darkness and pain of the times in between seem suddenly worth it.
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oh, you too eh? except that i also get the concious request for help plus the turning when they find that they still have to Do It (whatever it is) and if they don't, i get the blame for nagging, or pushing, or, "well, i *never* asked you for help~" ... even though they did.
grah.
must stop being melancholy now. hopefully the chocolate will help :/
n.
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hrmmm....
What was I talking about? Chocolate? Yeah, I could use some of that right now.
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Perhaps they did not see it in the way you did?
Regardless... have you managed to get a better sense of when your help is helping, and when it's not? For example - if someone asks you for help, do you perhaps remind them of what you are interpreting that request as? A reminder, a push when they are getting frustrated, whatever? Because some people don't realize that what they are saying is a request for help - it's why I tend to try to get (and give!) verbal confirmation of such things. And then remind them at the time of such that they may not be happy about it later, and ask if a reminder of the request will help...
I don't think I'm making any sense, so I'm stopping. I put a fair amount of effort into the phrasing of my initial post, so that might be why. I may be out of thought/concept->word energy for the moment. :)
Also... *snug*
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I tend to, early on. But it is _very_ difficult for me to get beyond certain points in my thoughts about new things without having someone to talk to about whatever it is. Better yet if they are actively interested, but even people who don't mind me babbling are good (my poor roommate, for example). And this is part of why I _so_ appreciate LJ. I can talk, babble, whatever - and _not_ bug people who don't have an active interest in what I want to say.
So what you are trying to say is that you are me, is that it?
*laugh* No, not at all! :)
I don't know that I see potential. I only see... dissonance. And, when I am listening intently, whatever it is that most needs to be shared _right now_.
A recent example was a friend talking to me about not wanting to stay in her current career, and not being entirely sure what's next. During the course of the conversation, something kept pinging my brain, until I finally realized that teaching what it was that she had for a current career (10 years worth of knowledge) felt like a really good idea. Which I said.
I have gotten very good at being able to tell how much help is worthwhile, and at what points I'm only draining myself needlessly. I don't know how I do this. Perhaps by having a better sense of myself?
where everything seemed like it was in burning ruins all about me
Yes. Change often feels like that to me, as well. And, _even in the midst of it_, I can often still tell that... it's needed. And that, at least eventually, I'll get through it. I think this might be part of why I associate fire with change.
you'll get to have this moment of discovery and clarity over and over again, through your growth in life, and with each time, you feel a bit closer to "it"
I know. I have, already, many times. I did, however, formerly make the mistake of thinking that, because I was much closer, I did not need to continue to have a close eye to my internal state. Which meant that I kept losing track of things until they exploded in my face. I somehow got the impression I was 'done' for a while, rather than on a journey. I don't know where I got that from, and I think I've finally _stopped_ that!
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That's true; it's easy for folks to just skip the entry if they don't care to read that on that particular day. Even so, its nice, as the song goes, "if you're lucky to be one of the few to find somebody who can tolerate you." I love having "banter buddies" - folks who will engage me in my deconstruction of self; alas, they are few and far between.
I have gotten very good at being able to tell how much help is worthwhile, and at what points I'm only draining myself needlessly. I don't know how I do this. Perhaps by having a better sense of myself?
A better sense of self-preservation perhaps - I've been gradually building up to that. I, however, only like to learn through significant suffering and torment - otherwise, its just not all that satisfying, ya know?
>;-)
Its a behavior that I'm learning to recognize earlier and earlier, and yes, I am getting around to where you are at. At least I know where the goal line is now, and I'm facing in that direction.
I know. I have, already, many times. I did, however, formerly make the mistake of thinking that, because I was much closer, I did not need to continue to have a close eye to my internal state. Which meant that I kept losing track of things until they exploded in my face. I somehow got the impression I was 'done' for a while, rather than on a journey. I don't know where I got that from, and I think I've finally _stopped_ that!
It's certainly easy to get distracted by the noise of day to day life and forget about who we are, what we like and don't like, etc. However, I think that sometimes it is only by falling off track, and being lost for a while, that we learn to recognize what we really want in life, and where we want to be.
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And easy for people to keep up on what's in my brain without me having to send out three million emails. :)
I love having "banter buddies" - folks who will engage me in my deconstruction of self; alas, they are few and far between.
Yes. I had one for a while, and it was great. But, alas, not recently.
A better sense of self-preservation perhaps
Perhaps. That appears to be something that I'm good at, when I'm at least vaguely sane.
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Well, we've been fairly bantery in here, but I suppose its not the same as engaging someone in person in RL. I don't have a real good sense of how far out you live or how often you get into town, but we should hang out sometime. Much like your song from the other day, I'd imagine it'd be a whole different, prolly entertaining and interesting, experience to hear you expressing your thoughts verbally than having me reading them.
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I didn’t realize you were that recently out of college. For some reason I thought you were older.
Yes. I’m looking forward to
Out of curiosity, do you get a good sense of my core self? I ask because I like to think of myself as transparent, but I’ve had a lot of people say they had a hard time getting to know me. I know I don’t talk about myself much, especially in person, because of something akin to your 'but I might annoy them by saying the same damn thing over and over and over again' feeling, plus an aversion to being the center of attention or being put on a pedestal that dates from stuff with my father.1 I’m getting better at that, I think, and I’ve always had a much easier time about it in email.
And by the way, if you think I’m missing something about my core identity, I would be very pleased to have you say so. (Although I hope you won’t be upset if I don’t end up agreeing.)
1 My father was constantly praising me and talking about me in front of other people, to the point of making up implausible things he could brag about. At the same time, my sister couldn’t get his attention or approval. She could be starring in a play, and all he’d want to talk about was the one-page paper I’d banged off the last night. (That’s a made-up example because I don’t remember actual ones, but illustrative of the reality.) So I learned very young to associate favourable attention with other people being unjustly hurt, and with my father’s behaviour which I knew was wrong. It’s been a long slow journey for me to be able to talk about myself and especially to talk about what I think of as my good qualities. I think I’m more than halfway there, though.
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I'm a year older than would make sense for graduating in '01. But besides that, no. I'm pretty young, physically.
Out of curiosity, do you get a good sense of my core self?
No. Not at all. Enough that you don't make me uncomfortable, but not a good sense. I don't know why this is, but then, I rarely can tell why some people are easy for me to read and others are not.
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Maybe I'm just confusing, age-wise. :)