wispfox | [mystical-type stuff] intentional bond removal

It's a bit earlier than my original intent, but I have no good reason to wait the few remaining days.

So I didn't.

As intended, I'd stopped fighting the fading that had been happening, of both the bond itself and of the sense I'd had of the one to whom the bond connected, about a month or so ago. I hoped this would make the removal of it easier to do and to cope with. I don't have previous experience with it, so I don't have any idea if this is true.

I verified (two or three times) that I had the _right_ bond, and... effectively (mentally) grabbed a hold of it, and started pulling it out of myself, in an effort to find the end connected to me. I pulled for a rather long time, slowly feeling it become less and less substantial. I finally realized that I was not going to be able to find an end, since part of what makes a bond a bond in my world is entanglement. Entanglement with parts of who I am, through shared thoughts and experiences. So... once I decided I was as close as I was ever going to get to my end of it, I separated it from myself. It was surprisingly painless. Perhaps because I still need to adjust and really feel the change, I do not know.

And now it feels a rather lot like the gap left behind when one loses a tooth - a hole that one's tongue keeps testing until it heals, to accustom one's self to the change. There is a hole, but there is also relief from the many months of uncertainty. There is loss, but there is acceptance. And I think it needed to have taken this long, or I would not have been able to accept. Not really.

I let go, I mourn, I adjust. I move on. And I develop a perhaps excessive wariness of people who are apparently comfortable in unhealthy relationships. No one else gets that close to me who is likely to go away based on someone else's decision, wants, or needs. This will not happen again. No matter how much I treasure the time that was (and I do!), there was too much time that was uncertain, and painful.

[edit]

Weee! Moodswingy. So far, it's been aching loss, mouring, rather disturbingly firey anger, and (mostly) a determined refusal to notice the missing-tooth-like spot in my psyche. (so much for 'numb', eh?)