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[mood & overwhelmedness]
I will probably never fail to be wryly amused by the fact that, when I am most in need of my problem solving skills, I am least able to use or access them. (namely, times when I'm overwhelmed, as I will tend to get into a panic state, or a hopeless state. Or both! Neither of which allow me to figure out how to _resolve_ anything)
So.
1) being tired of my job and my entire field - neither new nor unexpected. I don't recall how long ago it was that I was starting to investigate school again, but it's been nagging at me for at least that long. I _can_ handle this, as long as I don't feel like too many things are happening which are going to make my current plans for resolving this take even longer (which was how I was feeling, what with Ash's health stuff). And as long as I'm not exhausted or low energy too often, as those make being cheerful about work far more difficult (which was also a problem, due to season and my normal sleep difficulties).
2) Ash spontaneously being significantly more effort on a daily basis. This has since calmed down, as he appears to be perfectly happy with pills being crushed into his food, and I've mostly adjusted to the new routine.
3) Ash's abdominal mass. Very new, very stressful, but mostly over the initial 'aaaaah!' reaction. I'm currently in a reasonable space for handling things as they come, relating to this.
4) having no one around at home. OK, yes, this was sorta new. Hmm. Ok, it was less 'new' and more 'something I thought would be less of a problem', and it wasn't until recently that I finally accepted that it wasn't really getting any better, much as I was trying to convince myself otherwise.
5) being too damn far away from everyone I know. Also not new, and generally difficult for me to cope with in spring and fall, due to them being transition states between 'no energy, but low social interest anyway' and 'social interest! And energy!'. But it combined poorly with the above.
6) being _bored_. This was almost certainly relating to being tired of the field I'm working in, not having been very social or doing very much all winter, and normal Spring jitters of wanting to _do_ things. Except that this part combines _really_ poorly with being tired. Hell, being tired is the vast majority of _why_ I ever get bored. It's not easy for me to be bored. But, since usually it relates to being tired, it's also not easy for me to get _out_ of being bored (and, as usually goes along with it, listless).
This was something I was apparently unconsciously at least somewhat expecting to have resolved by my trip to SF (both the planning and the actual trip), which is probably why I was so strongly affected by having had to decide it wasn't a good choice in terms of finances (getting out of this field) when combined with Ash's health things. And why making plans for less expensive travel has helped so much.
It's interesting to note the various things which have been helping me stop feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and such, all of which required external prompting for me to notice.
First thing was me noticing the rather dramatic reaction (in my head) to not being able to convince myself that it was a reasonable idea, monetarily, to go out to SF around 4th of July. That caused me to realize that I was apparently very strongly wanting to travel, which caused me to notice that it was specifically travel to _new_ places. Considering how much joy I tend to gain from new things, this is not terribly surprising, especially in Spring. Even less surprising when I notice having gotten stuck in being bored; that's an excellent way to break me out of that mindset. Hell, even the planning process is enough to get me out of that state, at least somewhat. This, probably because it was first, mostly broke me out of the 'aaaaah! overwhelmed and can't cope! Aaaaah!' mindset.
Second thing was a question about me possibly taking a place that someone had available. Now, I'd been thinking I would potentially have to move soon, due to lack of parking space, but had gotten stuck in the 'only going to move if no space' mindset, rather than facing the fact that part of my discontent was lack of people and lack of social outlet (which was more strongly driven home to me by the fact that my roommate's been looking for a way to be closer to the city for quite a while, and appears to have found a place). Yeah, I don't _like_ the act of moving, but... it would be very helpful to be nearer to the people I know. And it's entirely possible I'd _have_ to move, anyway. So investigations of moving back in progress. This is starting to work on my hopelessless, because it shows longer term hope for not having quite so much trouble with 'want people, but too far away!'. (and, of course, if I happen to be able to find someone to be my roommate when living closer, all the better!)
Third thing? Sleep. Seriously. I don't know if it's the meds or not, but much as the previous night was one of my worst nights for sleep in a long time, last night was pretty good. Not as good as I would have hoped, so I do the suggested upping of my dose tonight. But sleep _good_. I have hope that sleep continues to improve (it _is_ getting more toward summer, so it should, even without the meds). And this has made my mood even better than the two things above did. As did the fact that it's warm out again, and I ate lunch outside.
Now, I just need to work on _not_ falling headlong into overwhelming situations. I'm usually a bit better at avoiding them, even though it's true that every Spring and Fall I wander through the 'oh, look at all the things you're ignoring!' landscape. Which is usually fine (assuming that I can remind myself of either plans to resolve things - longterm though they might be, or reasons why the benefits of something outweighs the things I'm ignoring about it), unless I happen to have additional things to get stressed about.
Look! My brain is back! We'll see how long it stays back, though, as I _know_ I'm still going to be strongly affected by it not being far enough toward summer yet, and by sleep difficulties. Hey, maybe I'll eventually get around to fixing up that oft-referenced memory noodle (which I was vaguely processing on more last night, so it's possible!).
So.
1) being tired of my job and my entire field - neither new nor unexpected. I don't recall how long ago it was that I was starting to investigate school again, but it's been nagging at me for at least that long. I _can_ handle this, as long as I don't feel like too many things are happening which are going to make my current plans for resolving this take even longer (which was how I was feeling, what with Ash's health stuff). And as long as I'm not exhausted or low energy too often, as those make being cheerful about work far more difficult (which was also a problem, due to season and my normal sleep difficulties).
2) Ash spontaneously being significantly more effort on a daily basis. This has since calmed down, as he appears to be perfectly happy with pills being crushed into his food, and I've mostly adjusted to the new routine.
3) Ash's abdominal mass. Very new, very stressful, but mostly over the initial 'aaaaah!' reaction. I'm currently in a reasonable space for handling things as they come, relating to this.
4) having no one around at home. OK, yes, this was sorta new. Hmm. Ok, it was less 'new' and more 'something I thought would be less of a problem', and it wasn't until recently that I finally accepted that it wasn't really getting any better, much as I was trying to convince myself otherwise.
5) being too damn far away from everyone I know. Also not new, and generally difficult for me to cope with in spring and fall, due to them being transition states between 'no energy, but low social interest anyway' and 'social interest! And energy!'. But it combined poorly with the above.
6) being _bored_. This was almost certainly relating to being tired of the field I'm working in, not having been very social or doing very much all winter, and normal Spring jitters of wanting to _do_ things. Except that this part combines _really_ poorly with being tired. Hell, being tired is the vast majority of _why_ I ever get bored. It's not easy for me to be bored. But, since usually it relates to being tired, it's also not easy for me to get _out_ of being bored (and, as usually goes along with it, listless).
This was something I was apparently unconsciously at least somewhat expecting to have resolved by my trip to SF (both the planning and the actual trip), which is probably why I was so strongly affected by having had to decide it wasn't a good choice in terms of finances (getting out of this field) when combined with Ash's health things. And why making plans for less expensive travel has helped so much.
It's interesting to note the various things which have been helping me stop feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and such, all of which required external prompting for me to notice.
First thing was me noticing the rather dramatic reaction (in my head) to not being able to convince myself that it was a reasonable idea, monetarily, to go out to SF around 4th of July. That caused me to realize that I was apparently very strongly wanting to travel, which caused me to notice that it was specifically travel to _new_ places. Considering how much joy I tend to gain from new things, this is not terribly surprising, especially in Spring. Even less surprising when I notice having gotten stuck in being bored; that's an excellent way to break me out of that mindset. Hell, even the planning process is enough to get me out of that state, at least somewhat. This, probably because it was first, mostly broke me out of the 'aaaaah! overwhelmed and can't cope! Aaaaah!' mindset.
Second thing was a question about me possibly taking a place that someone had available. Now, I'd been thinking I would potentially have to move soon, due to lack of parking space, but had gotten stuck in the 'only going to move if no space' mindset, rather than facing the fact that part of my discontent was lack of people and lack of social outlet (which was more strongly driven home to me by the fact that my roommate's been looking for a way to be closer to the city for quite a while, and appears to have found a place). Yeah, I don't _like_ the act of moving, but... it would be very helpful to be nearer to the people I know. And it's entirely possible I'd _have_ to move, anyway. So investigations of moving back in progress. This is starting to work on my hopelessless, because it shows longer term hope for not having quite so much trouble with 'want people, but too far away!'. (and, of course, if I happen to be able to find someone to be my roommate when living closer, all the better!)
Third thing? Sleep. Seriously. I don't know if it's the meds or not, but much as the previous night was one of my worst nights for sleep in a long time, last night was pretty good. Not as good as I would have hoped, so I do the suggested upping of my dose tonight. But sleep _good_. I have hope that sleep continues to improve (it _is_ getting more toward summer, so it should, even without the meds). And this has made my mood even better than the two things above did. As did the fact that it's warm out again, and I ate lunch outside.
Now, I just need to work on _not_ falling headlong into overwhelming situations. I'm usually a bit better at avoiding them, even though it's true that every Spring and Fall I wander through the 'oh, look at all the things you're ignoring!' landscape. Which is usually fine (assuming that I can remind myself of either plans to resolve things - longterm though they might be, or reasons why the benefits of something outweighs the things I'm ignoring about it), unless I happen to have additional things to get stressed about.
Look! My brain is back! We'll see how long it stays back, though, as I _know_ I'm still going to be strongly affected by it not being far enough toward summer yet, and by sleep difficulties. Hey, maybe I'll eventually get around to fixing up that oft-referenced memory noodle (which I was vaguely processing on more last night, so it's possible!).