wispfox: (Default)
Thesis submission happened. There may be minor edits to conform with electronic repository, but it is effectively done. Returned my keys to that lab today, attending lab meetings to the lab with which I will be working next year, and talked about having a space to work from.

So much social! Met adorable girl who is getting a PhD in Canada and has been living there for 10 years now. Spent a fair bit of time with her while she was in this area, which was nice. Will see if dating long distance works or not. Either way, fun to be with. (she has no LJ).

[livejournal.com profile] larksdream, [livejournal.com profile] metahacker, and I went kayaking. This reminded me of just how much I enjoyed it the last (also first) time I kayaked. As a result, I'm kayaking as often as I have time and muscles, via a membership I got through Paddle Boston. This has, among other things, meant that I got to see - and kayak with - [livejournal.com profile] starandrea earlier this week! And tomorrow, I will be kayaking with [livejournal.com profile] jay_bud (who used to be J-with-no-LJ on this journal).

I also met a woman I've been taking to from OkCupid for a while now, who is adorable, has an enormous smile, and who is currently hiking part of the Appalachian Trail for a month. Saw her a few times before she went to go do that, definitely will see more of her! (again, no LJ)

Via wedding of [livejournal.com profile] elusiveat and [livejournal.com profile] squirrelitude, re-met [livejournal.com profile] underwatercolor who is now calm enough for me to enjoy his company (and spend yesterday playing with him in his garden and chatting with him and a visiting woman). Also met - technically for the second time - [livejournal.com profile] minerva42, and thoroughly enjoyed her company. Hanging out since then has occurred a few times, and will definitely continue to occur, our schedules allowing. Most recently went to an open mic with her, at which I knew an unexpected number of people, and at which I spontaneously sang rather than read something because I hadn't brought anything. Yay, fabulous people of fabulousness!

Also at that wedding, met a woman through her charming pup who is being trained to be cuddly - cuddly pup for the win! In the 'highly unusual experience for me', she was the one who suggested we exchange contact info. We have since hung out a few times, which were quite fun, at least in part using the pup's need for outdoors excercise as both an excuse and as a delightful distraction. (yep. Another with no Lj)

Somewhere in there, I hung out with [livejournal.com profile] randysmith, which was nice. :) I just spent the evening with the delightful [livejournal.com profile] omly, and have set up time to hang out again later. I probably saw other people outside of [livejournal.com profile] galaneia (with whom I recently had the exciting experience of trying to drive to the Franklin Park Zoo, and then has the much more pleasant experience of actually being at said zoo), [livejournal.com profile] metahacker, and [livejournal.com profile] jasra, but my memory is failing me.

Also, garden is giving me tomatoes. :) And apparently concord grapes, which I turned some of into jam. I think [livejournal.com profile] metahacker and [livejournal.com profile] galaneia were saying something about using unripe ones to make something. I suspect that I could just choose the smaller ones, which do not come off easily, in order to identify those. They are green grapes, which means color is not enough!

Enough for now!
wispfox: (Default)
I do not get enough cuddling in my life. Currently, it's basically only [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. [livejournal.com profile] jasra and I are working on it, on our end. The fact that I will tend to forget to be cuddly with people if I've not been doing enough cuddling does not help.

One of the best things about the wedding I just attended was feeling comfortable saying to a couple of women I had just met that I would like to be cuddling them. And then, we did so. One was more comfortable with cuddling than the other, I suspect due purely to experience with it. But. Cuddles. Cuddles with no purpose beyond simple touch.

Also, fabulous dog whose purpose in life is to be cuddly (literally, that's what she's being trained for). :)

I really, really miss contexts in which the cultural norm of 'touch must be sexual or at least have a sexual overtone' has been subverted. I mean, I don't tend to be cuddly with people if I'm not attracted to them somehow or another ("attracted" as in "drawn to" or "fascinated by" or "want to know better" - no specific goal beyond that), but it feels like a world of difference between "hey, you're nifty" and "My only purpose for touching you is because I want to get into your pants at the earliest possible opportunity". The attendees at this weekend's wedding, thankfully basically free of that cultural norm. So, I actually let hugs last as long as they would naturally do so. And didn't feel uncomfortable at random back massages as part of hugs (and indeed gave such as part of hugs myself). I am not trying to suggest that there was no interest, just that it wasn't the point of the touch.

I'm also _utterly_ delighted by the fact that, unlike usual, one of the women there was first to suggest the idea of trading contact information. It can get very, very tiring to always be the one asking for more interaction with interesting women, y'know? (I'm typically not as drawn to lengthen interactions with men, and the fact that I'm acutely aware of not dating any women appears to only have increased this trend more toward finding women more interesting) I think the last woman who was first to suggest more interactions (or perhaps mutual of said) after our first interaction was [livejournal.com profile] jasra. (and before that was [livejournal.com profile] the_xtina)

I can never tell if that's because they are shy to suggest more interaction, there is not sufficiently strong mutual fascination, or what. And I often feel like I come on too strong when I find someone fascinating, which rarely helps when interacting with a woman.
wispfox: (Default)
There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of [livejournal.com profile] metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and [livejournal.com profile] figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.
wispfox: (Default)
There is a post bubbling away beneath the surface of my thoughts which may or may not manage to come out in this post, as a result of the combination of [livejournal.com profile] metahacker's post on cuddling and affection with friends-who-are-not-necessarily-lovers, and [livejournal.com profile] figmentj's post on dating when not seen as an audition.

It took me a very long time to understand that, for most people, and in the context of typical societal norms, cuddling was assumed to be sexual. Touch at all - beyond a handshake - was assumed to be an expression of sexual interest.

An additional difficulty with wrapping my head around this concept is that my line between finding someone interesting and wanting to seek them out and spend more time with them, and being sexually attracted to them is very thin. And, people who I find interesting enough to actively seek out are people I would like to cuddle, and there is probably at least some amount of sexual attraction there. It's not quite true that everyone that I'm close to and seek out and am cuddly with is also someone that I have some sexual attraction to, but it's very close.

But having that attraction does not mean that I - or they - have time, energy, sufficient levels of attraction, or even necessarily are aware of it. So, for me, cuddling is _not_ automatically a sexual thing - and has never been - and the idea of there always being a sexual aspect to touch and cuddling is a hard one for me to grasp. However, it does seem true that, at some level at least, whatever nebulous concepts sexual attraction contains is frequently involved in whose touch I seek out.

Also in whose touch I am not comfortable with. If there is any level of sexual content in cuddling for another person and I am not interested in going there, I will not be comfortable cuddling them. This does not even need to mean that they are aware of said context, so I am not entirely sure how I can tell, sometimes. If I can't tell, I will tend to err on the side of caution, so if I can't read a person, I will generally not touch them. Too much cultural baggage tied up in touch, especially cross-gender. This was a very, very hard-learned lesson.

The frsutrating part about this, though, is that I do still find myself hugging people, sometimes, because the social costs of not doing so are more than I can handle right now. This frustrates me when I do it, and is usually a good sign I'm not actually up to group social interactions.

So many things meant by 'attraction', even 'sexual attraction'. So much tangled up in that concept, and the related concepts of the process of sexual entanglement and dating.

Why does [edited to add: anyone believe that] it need[s] to be true that touch and cuddling are completely unrelated to attraction in order for them to be non-sexual? Attraction may often, and possibly usually, contain sexual desire, but that isn't the only thing in there. That isn't the only possible context for touch between adults! Including adults who _are_ sexually involved with each other.
wispfox: (green)
There were many days in the White Mountains with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There were stars, many many stars. And we never even went anywhere specific to go look at them.

There was walking in woods and mountains and rivers and mushrooms of various and unexpected colors and shapes. There were rocks for crossing wet places, for sitting on, for petting, for having pet rocks, and for being pets of rocks.

There was cuddling. A whole lot of cuddling. Also, cuddling.

There were conversations about bears and moose, but no actual sightings by the two of us of either one.

There was a gradual increase in ability to deal with walking in places with uphillness.

There was a cold with a fever that came and went.

There was conversation, chatting, silliness, and connecting.

There was a room that could have been better in various ways, but which was still a good room for being a room in which there was much time spent with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There was a hot tub that I never got around to using. There were various very friendly owners and workers at the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at. There are wee pretty paintings, and postcards that failed to be sent while we were actually there.

There was grumpy, there was tired, but there was also a deep low level joy at being in mountains with trees and green and quiet.

There was remembering that mountains and hills are a rightness for me, in ways that flatness is not. And also remembering that places that tend to have them also tend to not have much to do in the evening.

There was much passing of various towns I've lived in or near, remembering when Concord, NH was a big city to me (Boston used to terrify me; Manhattan still does, although less so), seeing various towns that I think my high school used to have sports games at.

There were times when there was too much moving and I needed to just sit for a while and talk to the mountains and trees and grass. There were many more times when I just knew where I was, and was glad.

There was a fire, marshmallows, and small, hyper children. There was very little reading, and no internet access (or indeed, a computer, for me).

There was beauty. There was simplicity. There was quiet. There was time away with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. And it was indeed good. I really needed that, for the time away, for the nature, for the time with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There are pictures, which I may get around to posting some of.
wispfox: (green)
There were many days in the White Mountains with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There were stars, many many stars. And we never even went anywhere specific to go look at them.

There was walking in woods and mountains and rivers and mushrooms of various and unexpected colors and shapes. There were rocks for crossing wet places, for sitting on, for petting, for having pet rocks, and for being pets of rocks.

There was cuddling. A whole lot of cuddling. Also, cuddling.

There were conversations about bears and moose, but no actual sightings by the two of us of either one.

There was a gradual increase in ability to deal with walking in places with uphillness.

There was a cold with a fever that came and went.

There was conversation, chatting, silliness, and connecting.

There was a room that could have been better in various ways, but which was still a good room for being a room in which there was much time spent with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There was a hot tub that I never got around to using. There were various very friendly owners and workers at the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at. There are wee pretty paintings, and postcards that failed to be sent while we were actually there.

There was grumpy, there was tired, but there was also a deep low level joy at being in mountains with trees and green and quiet.

There was remembering that mountains and hills are a rightness for me, in ways that flatness is not. And also remembering that places that tend to have them also tend to not have much to do in the evening.

There was much passing of various towns I've lived in or near, remembering when Concord, NH was a big city to me (Boston used to terrify me; Manhattan still does, although less so), seeing various towns that I think my high school used to have sports games at.

There were times when there was too much moving and I needed to just sit for a while and talk to the mountains and trees and grass. There were many more times when I just knew where I was, and was glad.

There was a fire, marshmallows, and small, hyper children. There was very little reading, and no internet access (or indeed, a computer, for me).

There was beauty. There was simplicity. There was quiet. There was time away with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. And it was indeed good. I really needed that, for the time away, for the nature, for the time with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker.

There are pictures, which I may get around to posting some of.
wispfox: (Default)
In case anyone was unclear, I did in fact miss [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. A rather lot.

Additionally, I continue to be fond of my weighted blanket and the corresponding improvement in sleep. Even if I'm not completely convinced it's heavy enough.
wispfox: (Default)
In case anyone was unclear, I did in fact miss [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. A rather lot.

Additionally, I continue to be fond of my weighted blanket and the corresponding improvement in sleep. Even if I'm not completely convinced it's heavy enough.
wispfox: (Default)
Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.
wispfox: (Default)
Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.
wispfox: (let the beauty we love be what we do)
Pretty sure this got too long for a comment, and seems useful to have in my own journal. So!

From http://tenacious-snail.livejournal.com/497981.html:

cut for length )
wispfox: (let the beauty we love be what we do)
Pretty sure this got too long for a comment, and seems useful to have in my own journal. So!

From http://tenacious-snail.livejournal.com/497981.html:

cut for length )

Arisia

Jan. 22nd, 2008 11:14 am
wispfox: (my hat is fuzzy!)
I can, indeed, switch my brain into a state where I can be intensely social for long periods of time. But it requires me to not need to keep track of time, makes me _very_ flighty (counteracted by being cuddled), not great at self care, and makes non-highly-social activities not things I want to be doing (so I made it to no panels at all, and played very few games). It also requires that I have people I am utterly comfortable with clinging to/cuddling with reasonably easily available. It also makes me _way_ less good at being aware that I am not seeing as much of people as I might like, if I'm seeing them at all and I _am_ getting time with comfortably cuddly people. It also means that I start getting less able to handle touch from those I'm not as comfortable with. And starts meaning my impulse control goes away (although that may have been insufficient sleep).

I have done this before (when I met [livejournal.com profile] the_xtina and [livejournal.com profile] cos, and went to the housewarming where I knew no one), but it's been a long time, and I didn't really understand then how to make it last without huge cost. Now I have more data. :)

So! Arisia mathmatics:

cutting is kind )

Arisia

Jan. 22nd, 2008 11:14 am
wispfox: (my hat is fuzzy!)
I can, indeed, switch my brain into a state where I can be intensely social for long periods of time. But it requires me to not need to keep track of time, makes me _very_ flighty (counteracted by being cuddled), not great at self care, and makes non-highly-social activities not things I want to be doing (so I made it to no panels at all, and played very few games). It also requires that I have people I am utterly comfortable with clinging to/cuddling with reasonably easily available. It also makes me _way_ less good at being aware that I am not seeing as much of people as I might like, if I'm seeing them at all and I _am_ getting time with comfortably cuddly people. It also means that I start getting less able to handle touch from those I'm not as comfortable with. And starts meaning my impulse control goes away (although that may have been insufficient sleep).

I have done this before (when I met [livejournal.com profile] the_xtina and [livejournal.com profile] cos, and went to the housewarming where I knew no one), but it's been a long time, and I didn't really understand then how to make it last without huge cost. Now I have more data. :)

So! Arisia mathmatics:

cutting is kind )
wispfox: (lego kitties)
Got to spend much of an evening with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker & [livejournal.com profile] devoken, which was, as always, excellent goodness.

And there was a delivery of chicken soup stock from [livejournal.com profile] galaneia, who is a sweetheart for trying to feed and caretake myself and [livejournal.com profile] australian_joe from afar, and for reducing the amount of cooking things the stressed-from-Arisia [livejournal.com profile] jasra needs to do.

[livejournal.com profile] australian_joe seems to actually have gotten enough sleep for the first time this visit, thankfully (I did not get home early enough to have done that myself last night, but it was worth it).

Still slowly improving, myself. Mostly just _really_ tired of coughing!

And now I get to work from work (test how improved I _really_ am) with [livejournal.com profile] jasra as ride and company.
wispfox: (lego kitties)
Got to spend much of an evening with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker & [livejournal.com profile] devoken, which was, as always, excellent goodness.

And there was a delivery of chicken soup stock from [livejournal.com profile] galaneia, who is a sweetheart for trying to feed and caretake myself and [livejournal.com profile] australian_joe from afar, and for reducing the amount of cooking things the stressed-from-Arisia [livejournal.com profile] jasra needs to do.

[livejournal.com profile] australian_joe seems to actually have gotten enough sleep for the first time this visit, thankfully (I did not get home early enough to have done that myself last night, but it was worth it).

Still slowly improving, myself. Mostly just _really_ tired of coughing!

And now I get to work from work (test how improved I _really_ am) with [livejournal.com profile] jasra as ride and company.
wispfox: (sakaki & maya)
[livejournal.com profile] deyo has good taste in women. and I got to have a pre-nye party last night! I am _so_ on west coast time. soon I fly back to boston, spend nye w/[livejournal.com profile] metahacker & [livejournal.com profile] galaneia, go home on ny day, see [livejournal.com profile] jasra at some point, and see [livejournal.com profile] australian_joe thurs night. many nifty people in a very short time! yay. :)
wispfox: (sakaki & maya)
[livejournal.com profile] deyo has good taste in women. and I got to have a pre-nye party last night! I am _so_ on west coast time. soon I fly back to boston, spend nye w/[livejournal.com profile] metahacker & [livejournal.com profile] galaneia, go home on ny day, see [livejournal.com profile] jasra at some point, and see [livejournal.com profile] australian_joe thurs night. many nifty people in a very short time! yay. :)

Off to SF

Dec. 24th, 2007 06:26 am
wispfox: (love knows no gender)
plane should be leaving for SF in about two hours. no lines at _all_ for check-in or security. hate how lightly I sleep before getting on a plane; was tired enough to not realize till this morning that I failed to be between the sheets. sigh!

So... a week w/deyo & mactavish, new years eve & day w/metahacker & galeina (whose lj name I probably totally mangled), then australian_joe arrives in three days after that.

shall see if a week away is enough to miss metahacker intensely (probably), even though I have over three years of practice w/ldr w/joe. but then, I always miss joe most strongly immediately after we part (ok, and at about 4.5 months). so.

sleepy. and should stop & be nice to my wrist!

Off to SF

Dec. 24th, 2007 06:26 am
wispfox: (love knows no gender)
plane should be leaving for SF in about two hours. no lines at _all_ for check-in or security. hate how lightly I sleep before getting on a plane; was tired enough to not realize till this morning that I failed to be between the sheets. sigh!

So... a week w/deyo & mactavish, new years eve & day w/metahacker & galeina (whose lj name I probably totally mangled), then australian_joe arrives in three days after that.

shall see if a week away is enough to miss metahacker intensely (probably), even though I have over three years of practice w/ldr w/joe. but then, I always miss joe most strongly immediately after we part (ok, and at about 4.5 months). so.

sleepy. and should stop & be nice to my wrist!

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