wispfox: (Default)
Time with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker and not even attempting to do work helps. So does sleeping until 10a.

It's approximately midway through the time period from mid-Jan to mid-March (my worst time of year). Maybe the doom will start lessening soon...

But... I forgot to lightbox this morning. Dammit. This has not been a good week for lightboxing. That _can't_ be helping anything.
wispfox: (Default)

I hate that it's so subtle. That i can suddenly realize that I'm wicked depressed, in large part based on noticing what assumptions I'm making.

That it's somehow entirely reasonable to think that everyone else is more interesting/important/worthwhile/successful than me and everyone obviously thinks this is true. Or to think that everyone is tolerating me and don't actually want me around.

Even knowing that depression is a lying liar that lies doesn't actually help because knowing things intellectually doesn't shut it up.

I think this is why cuddling helps. It's really difficult to believe the lies when being held or otherwise in affectionate contact. I think it's also part of why people coming to me in winter is helpful (harder to believe tolerance of people who come to me).

It's going to be dim for a few days. Wish the sun would come back, as i suspect the intensity of today's depression is due to a lack of sun. I don't think i was this bad yesterday.

wispfox: (Default)

Not sure i slept last night. Very very tired of coughing. This morning's class ate all my energy for the day. Want all the cuddles so hopefully [livejournal.com profile] metahacker is feeling better today than yesterday.

Evidently I'm in someone else needs to deal with life for me mode. :(

wispfox: (Default)

This looks suspiciously like a low energy Arisia. So there will be naps and comfy clothes and cuddles whenever possible. And assuming i remember tomorrow, a pressure vest to bring with me.

And sun on Saturday.

Now i go to bed ridiculously early.

wispfox: (Default)
I'm glad I don't have any evening classes to take or to run this semester.

All the energy I gained from my earlier walk in the sun is now gone. And nowhere to nap in this office! Might as well go home, since I can.
wispfox: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] metahacker: did sun help?
[livejournal.com profile] wispfox: Good lord, yes.
M: yay
W: I was telling it 'hi' and 'i love you' a lot. :)
M: :)
the sun loves you too
however you do not want the sun to live with you
has no sense of personal space
W: ... Yes.
W: *laughing*
W: I kind of want to LJ this conversation now. :)


Jan. 2nd, 2015 01:37 pm
wispfox: (Default)
CO alarms deciding they need to tell you they need new batteries at 4am are _not_ pleasant. Especially not when they are right above (but outside) your bedroom door, and you were deeply asleep.

Also, I didn't lightbox yesterday. I am now, but it's the wrong time of day.

I should go through my photos from CA that I haven't already sorted through so I can post about Lake Maritt and about my 6 hour walk.

Cranky. Jet lag is probably a lot of it. It's always harder on this end!

Suddenly returning to very short days cannot be helping, either. I hate it when it gets dark before 5p.

[livejournal.com profile] metahacker has a cold. I cannot tell if I have a cold, or if it's just the sudden return to All The Dry Air making me congested and have post nasal drip making my throat sore.

Kind of want to hide.
wispfox: (Default)
Hey! Give me back the sun!

Lightboxing is by no means a sufficient substitute, as evidenced by the lateness with which I got out of bed, and the fact that I want to go back to bed instead of grading things.

Darned Boston area, being much greyer in winter than NH ever was.


Mar. 2nd, 2013 03:18 pm
wispfox: (Default)
I really hate pervasive sadness and restlessness and nothing being quite right-ness.

Also, I would like the winter to give back my libido.

On the plus side, visiting Wilson's warm, humid garden center with many plants both in flower and not, and a small fish pond, helped a fair bit with the restless.

wispfox: (Default)
I don't think this is just because of season or boredom with excess amounts of coding at my volunteer job, but damned if I know what it _is_.

Awake is hard. I'm doing it, and I'm at school, but want to sleep or at least doze. And drink lots of water.


Gotta say, though, Saturday's party was delightful. :)
wispfox: (Default)
Yay, not sick. And hey, a reset on how much food I eat isn't all bad, either.

Unfortunately, winter decided to remind me that hey, I am still seasonally depressed, even if it is mostly under control. Similarly unfortunately, I have still not found a useful replacement for the uppers source that was World of Warcraft for me for years. I am displeased that this appears to translate to trying to find tasty things to put into my mouth, even if I am not hungry. Need WoW replacement!

School back in session. Did not make short list for PhD program at Brandeis, which means that I shall need to find a job in the psych research field for a year when I finish my masters, then figure out where I can and should apply to. On the plus side, if I manage to find a job in the field, I will have more flexibility to handle the possibility that the places I wish to apply to are not at the time accepting PhD students. Also, the possibility that where I do find to apply does not accept me.

Even so, though. Tired of applying. Tired of having to figure out what I'm doing every damn year, and applying to schools every year.

Less down than I was, though, thanks to time with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker tonight.
wispfox: (Default)
Yeah, I knew you were lurking, but busy with school then stupid cold masked it.

But, y'know, when I find myself dissatisfied and cranky with all of my options, and don't want to go to bed even though i'm tired, it really make me wonder.

And between school & research project & proposal for said project & needing to apply for next year & daily house stuff (and thankfully not food prep for at school, thank you [livejournal.com profile] galaneia!), i'm using a lot of willpower regularly. So my normal sweets cravings are truly absurd, and things that I would normally say are too sweet are still tasty, i'm having a lot of trouble with wanting to eat the everything that is sweet. Constantly. I'll try my seasonal dark chocolate in the morning & hope it helps, because very few sweets are low Cal foods, since most are not just sweet. So I get to need willpower when trying to help my willpower and other brain sugar things. Joy.

But I must try to sleep, much as that, too is a donwanna.

wispfox: (Default)

Yes, I've been busy, so only sorta noticed you creeping in. Between getting a nasty mostly gone cold that left me wiped out, and crazy school, I had excuses for it.


But, well, when everything that I can think of to do is boring, that's a good sign. So is the fact that I have basically no self control in my cravings for sweets and even things I would normally say are too sweet seem appetizing. I suspect combination of low blood sugar from school and needing to make sure I get things done plus that sugar is my major food craving even when willpower isn't routinely being used for school and normal life stuff.


But weight gain, la.


And I don't want to go to bed even though I'm quite tired.




And I need to reapply for next year and do my research proposal on too of classes and gathering data. Whine, i'm totally doing what I want and it's haaaaard!


Grumble. Now to try to sleep.


Jan. 14th, 2011 07:14 pm
wispfox: (Default)
This is truly terrible timing for a horrible headache on half my face that meds aren't touching, intense sensory defensiveness to the point of other people being a Problem because they have wants and needs and desires and emotions and usually sensory defensiveness also means overly sensitove emotion detection to the poont of it almost hurting to deal with others, and depression that is probably related to the previous two.

I'm bored, have no brain or attention span, would be hiding in the closet bc the beds are much too soft and my weighted blanket is at home except that I don't want to worry or panic anyone. I'm lonely, but people are too much for me right now such that I haven't left the room since we got here. I keep almost going to read in the hallway, but then people might want to interact when I just want to watch, then there's expectations and social norms and emotions and people are a Probpem right now. Also, I'm lonely. Which is rather strange when at a con, but there you go. Earlier, I just wanted to not be in people's thoughts for a while so I wouldn't be worrying about disappointing, worrying, upsetting or otherwise being a problem because I can't deal with people at a con. I'm no longer that hidy at least. I think the relative quiet and dark, and moving to an enclosed corner behind a chair (the protection the closet or firm bed & weighted blanket would offer to help with sensory overload is somewhat available here, too) made a big difference.

I think I overdid it this week, in part because my anti-depressant is apparently not capable of handling January, even though it handled december. So I was taken by surprise.



Oct. 19th, 2010 11:42 am
wispfox: (Default)
I truly dislike reminders of just how close to the edge I typically run in terms of mental/emotional spoons.

Read more... )
wispfox: (Default)
+++++It's _gorgeous_ out.

+++++I'm sleeping.

+++++Let me repeat that one. I'm sleeping.

++[livejournal.com profile] metahacker's suggestion of liquid pepto-bismo appears to be helping with the acid problems from the sleeping meds.

?So does eating enough, but I worry that I'll eat too much in order to not have acid problems. (this med has weight gain as a potential side effect. I wonder if preventing acid problems is why!)

+It's not February.

+There was a random person walking on the side of the road on my way into work with _gorgeous_ long hair.

-acid problems

-I'm still seasonally affected, though it may not be february, and I keep forgetting this (I hate transition states).


Feb. 2nd, 2010 11:04 pm
wispfox: (Default)
Through much conversation with [livejournal.com profile] metahacker wherein, among other things, it was determined that I needed a different type of interaction than typical for when in distress, I am significantly less down than earlier. Also, not sick. I didn't actually realize how sick I was.

Fwiw. Now, sleep.
wispfox: (introspective)
This post has been percolating for a while, largely because winter is making itself known in my mood.

and so I contemplate )

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