wispfox: (Default)
Or so it usually seems to me. The smells of fall, the season changing to winter.

So when I am presented with something about which I can easily be melancholy, it sticks more than it might otherwise.

cut for length )
wispfox: (Default)
I do not get enough cuddling in my life. Currently, it's basically only [livejournal.com profile] metahacker. [livejournal.com profile] jasra and I are working on it, on our end. The fact that I will tend to forget to be cuddly with people if I've not been doing enough cuddling does not help.

One of the best things about the wedding I just attended was feeling comfortable saying to a couple of women I had just met that I would like to be cuddling them. And then, we did so. One was more comfortable with cuddling than the other, I suspect due purely to experience with it. But. Cuddles. Cuddles with no purpose beyond simple touch.

Also, fabulous dog whose purpose in life is to be cuddly (literally, that's what she's being trained for). :)

I really, really miss contexts in which the cultural norm of 'touch must be sexual or at least have a sexual overtone' has been subverted. I mean, I don't tend to be cuddly with people if I'm not attracted to them somehow or another ("attracted" as in "drawn to" or "fascinated by" or "want to know better" - no specific goal beyond that), but it feels like a world of difference between "hey, you're nifty" and "My only purpose for touching you is because I want to get into your pants at the earliest possible opportunity". The attendees at this weekend's wedding, thankfully basically free of that cultural norm. So, I actually let hugs last as long as they would naturally do so. And didn't feel uncomfortable at random back massages as part of hugs (and indeed gave such as part of hugs myself). I am not trying to suggest that there was no interest, just that it wasn't the point of the touch.

I'm also _utterly_ delighted by the fact that, unlike usual, one of the women there was first to suggest the idea of trading contact information. It can get very, very tiring to always be the one asking for more interaction with interesting women, y'know? (I'm typically not as drawn to lengthen interactions with men, and the fact that I'm acutely aware of not dating any women appears to only have increased this trend more toward finding women more interesting) I think the last woman who was first to suggest more interactions (or perhaps mutual of said) after our first interaction was [livejournal.com profile] jasra. (and before that was [livejournal.com profile] the_xtina)

I can never tell if that's because they are shy to suggest more interaction, there is not sufficiently strong mutual fascination, or what. And I often feel like I come on too strong when I find someone fascinating, which rarely helps when interacting with a woman.
wispfox: (Default)
From http://followsthesun.com/?p=149 (NSFW!)

"[...] I worked hard to become One Of The Guys, and rather than fight the laughing misogyny of the young bastards I hung out with, I absorbed it. I have it to this day, meshing poorly with deep seated feminism — a feeling that if women are just as smart and capable as men are, if only they would stop being so fucking irrational all the time."

I. Um. Yes.

I have deep-seated conviction that women are crazy. Irrational, manipulative, needy, game-playing, untrustworthy.

this got long )
wispfox: (Default)
For me, expressing sympathy is almost entirely non-verbal.

It's in (hard-learned) body positioning, facial expression, _listening_. Touch, if appreciated, hugs, if appreciated.

Yes, there are listening noises made (yes, there's a word for them that I never, ever remember). But translating them to text makes it very hard (for me! Perhaps for the other person as well, but if I can't tell, it's problematic) to tell if they are 'actively listening' or 'distracted but not completely gone', especially in semi-real-time interactions. Especially if I _am_ distracted!

I have trouble with verbal sentiments of sympathy, although I reluctantly do them if social etiquette requires (presuming I know that it does).

I also lose the signals that I clearly _do_ sometimes pick up on in-person that something is about sympathy and not about solutions.

I very much suffer from Geek Answer Symdrome, and I've very much trained myself away from that as much as I can. But if I'm distracted? Or in a text interaction? Or at a job which _is_ mostly solutions and not sympathy? Far more likely to try to fix than to listen, partly because there's not enough to listen _to_ in text.

I wonder if this is part of why being on call for a hotline was so hard on me; I did not _have_ in-person signals to give or receive, in addition to having trouble effectively always having to be able to answer a phone at any time for multiple hours at a time. I could _do_ it... but it by no means played to my strengths. I did at least have tone of voice and such, and used them, but... it was hard.

*shakes head* Brains. They confuse me. Also, mine is being eaten by moving and also by needing to interview someone tomorrow. Nervous!!!!
wispfox: (Default)
For me, expressing sympathy is almost entirely non-verbal.

It's in (hard-learned) body positioning, facial expression, _listening_. Touch, if appreciated, hugs, if appreciated.

Yes, there are listening noises made (yes, there's a word for them that I never, ever remember). But translating them to text makes it very hard (for me! Perhaps for the other person as well, but if I can't tell, it's problematic) to tell if they are 'actively listening' or 'distracted but not completely gone', especially in semi-real-time interactions. Especially if I _am_ distracted!

I have trouble with verbal sentiments of sympathy, although I reluctantly do them if social etiquette requires (presuming I know that it does).

I also lose the signals that I clearly _do_ sometimes pick up on in-person that something is about sympathy and not about solutions.

I very much suffer from Geek Answer Symdrome, and I've very much trained myself away from that as much as I can. But if I'm distracted? Or in a text interaction? Or at a job which _is_ mostly solutions and not sympathy? Far more likely to try to fix than to listen, partly because there's not enough to listen _to_ in text.

I wonder if this is part of why being on call for a hotline was so hard on me; I did not _have_ in-person signals to give or receive, in addition to having trouble effectively always having to be able to answer a phone at any time for multiple hours at a time. I could _do_ it... but it by no means played to my strengths. I did at least have tone of voice and such, and used them, but... it was hard.

*shakes head* Brains. They confuse me. Also, mine is being eaten by moving and also by needing to interview someone tomorrow. Nervous!!!!
wispfox: (Default)
If you're wanting time to yourself, or wanting one-on-one time with someone, how aware are you of you of the presence of other people in your surroundings?

Does it matter if you're in an apartment, a house, outdoors?

Does it matter _why_ you want that time/space?

my answers )
wispfox: (Default)
If you're wanting time to yourself, or wanting one-on-one time with someone, how aware are you of you of the presence of other people in your surroundings?

Does it matter if you're in an apartment, a house, outdoors?

Does it matter _why_ you want that time/space?

my answers )
wispfox: (Default)
Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.
wispfox: (Default)
Unintentional childhood lessons on not talking about things important to me have turned up in new and interesting ways relating to my difficulty with letting out negative emotions.

I do, now, reasonably with speaking up when things are being problematic for me, and not letting them fester in that particular way.

OK, I suppose the 'speaking up' previously mentioned is actually more frequently emailing. At least it's not always emailing anymore! I think it's usually due to processing delays. I'm not sure if it's also because it's easier to keep typing when crying (as I do when frustrated, as well as upset/sad/hurt), because it's another form of distance, or... dunno. Not clear if it has a direct effect on either my distancing.

I do _not_, however, do a very good job at actually letting myself experience the emotions, nor - as I've come to realize - getting past the workaround I set up so that I _could_ successfully communicate problems aloud, where so as to not cry I distance myself from it enough to stay able to talk (note: only recently a thing I was consciously aware of doing).

While yes, this is a useful workaround so as to prevent not talking about things at all and allow me to explain things, I am still missing the step past that one, where the issues are known to be understood and thus I stop distancing myself from the emotional reaction to them while trying to discuss/comprehend/work through/with them. Because even if the problems are explained and understood, whether or not they are things which can be prevented (some can, some cannot), there is still going to be a pile of emotional reaction there that I will need to let myself feel and work through. Both on my own, and with anyone else involved who is trying to work through it with me.

Distancing in that case? No longer helpful. Hurtful, because it can easily parse as distancing from anyone trying to talk with you about it, apologize for any part in it, and/or help heal the wound (in you, in them, in any relevent relationship(s)).

So clearly I have a new Thing to Work On. On the plus side, I have enough brain to see that it's there to work on, and am likely to be able to do so. Slowly. With help.
wispfox: (flight)
Spinning.
Climbing things.
Birds in flight.
Music.
Swings.
Nature shows, with as little narration as possible.
Trees.
Aquatic environments.
Being squished.
Tight spaces.
Touch.
People, specifically and generally.
Wind so strong it might help me fly.
Stars.
The sound of wind through trees.
Ohm chanting.
Tibetan singing bowls.
Bells.
Chimes.
Touch.
Scent of recently cut grass.
Scent in general.
Diving into waves.
Swimming.
The silence and weight of lying at the bottom of a pool.
Being high in a tree, looking at everything around me.
Newness with underlying stability/certainty/home.
That moment of interacting with an animal which decides that maybe, just maybe, I'm ok.
Being trusted.
Those fleeting moments when I am graceful.
Grace in other people.
Purring kitty under my hand.
Startling people into smiling or outright laughter.
Knowing people I love are thinking of me.
Open, honest vulnerability.
Finding out why.
wispfox: (flight)
Spinning.
Climbing things.
Birds in flight.
Music.
Swings.
Nature shows, with as little narration as possible.
Trees.
Aquatic environments.
Being squished.
Tight spaces.
Touch.
People, specifically and generally.
Wind so strong it might help me fly.
Stars.
The sound of wind through trees.
Ohm chanting.
Tibetan singing bowls.
Bells.
Chimes.
Touch.
Scent of recently cut grass.
Scent in general.
Diving into waves.
Swimming.
The silence and weight of lying at the bottom of a pool.
Being high in a tree, looking at everything around me.
Newness with underlying stability/certainty/home.
That moment of interacting with an animal which decides that maybe, just maybe, I'm ok.
Being trusted.
Those fleeting moments when I am graceful.
Grace in other people.
Purring kitty under my hand.
Startling people into smiling or outright laughter.
Knowing people I love are thinking of me.
Open, honest vulnerability.
Finding out why.
wispfox: (curious)
I am finding myself wondering how I would describe myself. Not what I do, although sometimes that is relevent. Not what I would like to be, or have been.

Let me give this a shot )
wispfox: (curious)
I am finding myself wondering how I would describe myself. Not what I do, although sometimes that is relevent. Not what I would like to be, or have been.

Let me give this a shot )
wispfox: (Default)
Note to self:

Go to bed earlier (9:30 if going to Alewife next morning, 10/10:30 otherwise), and get up earlier (7:30/8a on days you WFH. 6:30a for Alewife days, since there is no other choice). You _have_ to get back into a sane schedule so going to Alewife in the morning stops wiping you out so much.

Yes, it's fun staying up absurdly late sometimes. But you have to get back into a sane schedule _first_. And not do it two nights in a row.

You'd think after 15 years or more of this sleep problem worstening, you would _know_ this by now. But no. Sick for multiple months plus winter _completely_ fucked your schedule.

You take ~60 minutes to fall asleep, and you need _more_ than 8 hours to be happy. Stop conveniently forgetting this just because you don't like that it's true!

All that does is make you useless in the evening, and often during the day, too.

We know that you hate always being the first to need to go to bed. But having your sleep meds making it _possible_ to fool around with your sleep schedule without dramatically bad results does not mean you should be relying on it.
wispfox: (Default)
Note to self:

Go to bed earlier (9:30 if going to Alewife next morning, 10/10:30 otherwise), and get up earlier (7:30/8a on days you WFH. 6:30a for Alewife days, since there is no other choice). You _have_ to get back into a sane schedule so going to Alewife in the morning stops wiping you out so much.

Yes, it's fun staying up absurdly late sometimes. But you have to get back into a sane schedule _first_. And not do it two nights in a row.

You'd think after 15 years or more of this sleep problem worstening, you would _know_ this by now. But no. Sick for multiple months plus winter _completely_ fucked your schedule.

You take ~60 minutes to fall asleep, and you need _more_ than 8 hours to be happy. Stop conveniently forgetting this just because you don't like that it's true!

All that does is make you useless in the evening, and often during the day, too.

We know that you hate always being the first to need to go to bed. But having your sleep meds making it _possible_ to fool around with your sleep schedule without dramatically bad results does not mean you should be relying on it.
wispfox: (let the beauty we love be what we do)
Pretty sure this got too long for a comment, and seems useful to have in my own journal. So!

From http://tenacious-snail.livejournal.com/497981.html:

cut for length )
wispfox: (let the beauty we love be what we do)
Pretty sure this got too long for a comment, and seems useful to have in my own journal. So!

From http://tenacious-snail.livejournal.com/497981.html:

cut for length )

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