"Home away from home"

Sep. 22nd, 2017 03:07 am
rosefox: A bearded man in a yarmulke shouting L'CHAIM! (Judaism)
[personal profile] rosefox
Selichot )

Rosh Hashanah )

It's genuinely disorienting to encounter all these spaces where I don't have to educate anyone or fight to be seen for who I am. Other people have already done that work, and leaders have clearly been receptive to it. (Rabbi Lippman is queer, but I don't assume that cis queer people will be welcoming to or understanding of trans people, especially nonbinary trans people.) I get to just show up and be a human being in human community. What an immense privilege. What a gift. Honestly, that might be the thing that gets me to stick with this—just the pure pleasure of being in a place where I didn't personally have to claw out a space for myself.

Josh met me and Kit in the park and we walked for a while (GMaps Pedometer says I walked 3.2 miles today, most of it pushing a heavy stroller with a heavy toddler; my feet and arms are very tired). I teased him that he should be glad I didn't make him meet the rabbi. But this is my thing, really. Maybe it's my latest three-month hobby. Maybe it'll be more than that. We'll see.

Smooch update.

Sep. 21st, 2017 11:39 pm
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
[personal profile] naamah_darling
So the verdict is stage 3 kidney disease, and it is fatal.

We have time yet, though.  We'll do dietary management as long as we can.  But because I don't know how long we have, I am having to make preparations for sooner rather than later.  Because I can't afford to be caught flat-footed.

I am going to ask some questions, get a price for some things I know will be necessary, and then I am going to throw a number out there and ask y'all to help me hit it so we can be sure to have his needs covered for the next little while, including one more round of bloodwork for a re-check in six months, and, unfortunately, for the cost of euthanasia + taking care of the body.  I'm working on getting figures for that.  I'll know more tomorrow and should have a more complete forecast by Monday.

I knew going in I probably wouldn't have him for that long.  I'm okay.  It hurts, but I can do this.  I can't fix him, but I can be with him til the end of the line.  I just want to make sure he's taken care of.

I'm hurting just as bad for my best friend, who on the same day I heard about Smooch, learned that her Puck, my favorite dog in the world, has terminal cancer and has around a month.  I can't fix him either.

We are all so fucking helpless.  Life is so beautiful, I love it, but it is also completely heartless, and while I will never hesitate to make this bargain again and again, loving our pets means losing them.  They are our little outboard hearts, and that makes them so precious and us so vulnerable.

(no subject)

Sep. 21st, 2017 11:16 pm
starandrea: (Default)
[personal profile] starandrea
Alex: “You owned a Sha'erah, according to Miranda."
Paulson: "Well, I... I suppose."
Alex: "You suppose? How do you own someone and not quite recall exactly? Did you, or didn't you?”

--Kristine Williams, Madness

Final loading dose... DONE!

Sep. 21st, 2017 04:45 pm
stonebender: (Default)
[personal profile] stonebender
I’ve had trouble writing the last two posts. I’m a slow correspondent, what can I say? I’m not sure this post gets to what I wanted to talk about, but it’s close. I may work on it some more, but I thought letting people know what’s going on was more important than perfect communication.

On September 5th, I received my last loading dose of Spinraza (Huzzah!). After six tries and four successful injections, it seems that I have learned how to advocate the best circumstances for success. Pain meds help in allowing me to stay on the table longer and the longer I can stay there, the more chances for a successful lumbar puncture. The pain meds also help with recovery. The first few times we tried an LP, successful or not, it took several days for me to stop feeling sore. I also make sure I’m not put on the table until the radiologist and doctor are ready to go. That way they have the most time to get the needle where it’s supposed to go with as little pain as possible. So although the last loading dose took a couple hours before it was successful. It was successful!

Most of the staff were new to me. I started explaining what needed to be done and the staff were paying attention. After a bit my morning worker started taking over just by saying things like, “Wasn’t Guy’s wheelchair parked over there and you brought the lift over here?” Basically, asking questions that clarified my instructions. After a bit it was fascinating to watch. She knew me and she has been through this dance with me several times now. She knew what had worked. So I let her take over the logistics. As usual, the staff followed directions and were concerned with my comfort.

I have been paying attention to any physical changes since the treatments began. I didn’t feel much at first. Except that my breathing is easier. I’m worried that the improvement is just a placebo effect. I want to feel like all this effort amounts to something. Seems like the beneficial effects of the treatment are so subtle. [personal profile] loracs and I will be the only ones to notice.

I’m really looking forward to the next pulmonologist appointment. Then I will have some objective evidence that I’m actually improving. Until then I keep racking up observations. Along with stronger lungs, [personal profile] loracs has noticed the grip strength in my left hand is stronger. I feel some strength in my arms, but it’s not like I can suddenly raise my arm above my head. It seems like I can gesture a little more. I think I have a little bit more motion in my right hand when I use my trackball. Nothing I couldn’t do before, but it seems like I can do it longer and with less fatigue.

After the third dose, I noticed that my neck seems to be stronger. Driving in the car is always a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. I can’t hold my head very well, so it flops around a bit. I try to ride in the car in a reclined position, but that cuts into the sightseeing. I usually alternate between reclining and sitting straight up. Still, my head flops around more than I like. I’m noticing now that I can keep my head up most of the time. I also noticed that I can lift my head off the bed if it is at a little angle. I can’t lift it from completely prone. I don’t think I could lift it at all before the Spinraza.

On the possible negative side, I’ve noticed some tension headaches since the fourth dose. They don’t last long and they could just be hay-fever. The pain is similar, but I notice it when I’m being impatient or a little pissed. I am not at all sure if this is related to the drug. That’s about all I’ve noticed at this point. I think I’ll be getting a follow-up appointment in the future. So they can see where I’m at and decide what to do. I may get some physical therapy. (So I can look buff.)

On the reimbursement front, I received one of those “this is not a bill” statements from Medicare. It seems to say that all the hospital stuff is covered, but it doesn’t specifically say anything about whether the Spinraza has been covered. It even says that Connie’s services are covered but nothing about the drug. Connie seems optimistic they will get reimbursed. I’m disconcerted, but I’ll cope. Thanks everyone. I’ll keep you in the loop.

To Hell in a Handbasket

Sep. 21st, 2017 06:37 pm
aldersprig: (Aldersprig Leaves Raining)
[personal profile] aldersprig
It was a very nice basket, Yeri had to admit.

It was pretty, well-woven, and tidy, and it was just large enough that he could fit in it.  Not particularly a hand-basket, if you were really going to think about the term as such.

Then again, most baskets were not man-sized, most baskets did not have lids, and most of them did not have wheels. 

read on…
aldersprig: (AylaSmile)
[personal profile] aldersprig
Chapter 46: Arnbjörg
by Lyn Thorne-Alder


She was trying, she really was.  

She wasn’t trying, perhaps, as hard as she ought to or as often as she ought to, but Arnbjörg was trying hard to accept this place.  It was just...

“It’s so fucked up.”  She threw up her hands.

“What?”  Jaya turned to look at her. They were studying together on their bed, Jaye’s head on Arnbjörg’s shoulder.  They hadn’t been talking at all; Arnbjörg had been glaring at her textbook and attempting to focus.

“This school.  Everything about it.  Babies.”

read on...

Shana tova...

Sep. 20th, 2017 05:07 pm
avivasedai: (shofar)
[personal profile] avivasedai
It's erev Rosh Hashana (h optional). I called Ilan, who is in Kansas with Tahl and the girls, and also our parents. He's leading services and only feels slightly nervous, but knowing that the synagogue doesn't expect him to be a cantor like Tahl has calmed a lot of his nerves. I hope he does well enough to be happy with himself - we are our own worst critics. I hope Mom and Abba aren't super-critical of him.

The plan for neilah after I gave it back involved asking a group of women to lead it, as the rest of the Yom Kippur services are being led by men. I got another email asking if I would be comfortable leading part of it, and after waffling AGAIN I said no, again. Person #2 might not have known that I gave it back in the first place, and/but honestly, this is about my stress level. I know there are 8 usable days between RH and YK, but the same things apply: I work, I family, I chores, I stress. NNNOOOOOOOO.

It's erev Rosh Hashana. I asked my mother-in-law if she would stay for dinner with us and she said yes - it's Grandma Day, the day she picks up Benito from daycare and hangs out with him until I get home. However, I came home and she shortly said "okay, I'm going." I said "You don't want to stay for dinner?" and she gave a look of discomfort. I said "Oh, you're tired and need to go home. Okay. Have a good night," and gave her a hug and a kiss. I had gotten home a little early, the better to prepare food for tonight (and clean whatever needed cleaning in the kitchen) and tomorrow, and I was looking forward to having her with me, even if she was sitting on the couch while I was doing kitchen stuff. I was also looking forward to feeding her, to feeling like the meal was festive b/c I was sharing it.

I made really good mushroom soup in the crockpot, using a mushroom and sea asparagus rub I bought at a farmer's market this summer that told me it could also make a tasty broth. I should get some bullion that isn't chicken: mushroom, onion, and/or beef. It's a relatively simple soup, just mushrooms, onion and carrot, and it's very pleasing. I did manage to put together an apple kugel this evening; it's in the oven and should be done soon. Benito and I have eaten some; I'd like us to have bath-time, and then when Dad is home we can all eat together. I can light the holiday candles, break into the round challah and feel slightly better. *sigh*

Nice Things

Sep. 20th, 2017 11:29 am
papercraftsystem: Doodle of a small, fluffy creature with several goopy eyes, wings, and a halo saying 'frick'. (vae)
[personal profile] papercraftsystem
I don't know why it makes me so happy to notice people picking up things and habits from each other, but it does? It's just.. kind of cute tbqh, like. Yes, yes you have picked this up from your new friend or us or someone else, yous are affecting each other's mannerisms and lives in ways yous don't even notice yous are doing and it's just so adorable to see aha... ;w;/_

🦌Vae

A break

Sep. 20th, 2017 09:30 am
papercraftsystem: Doodle of a small, fluffy creature with several goopy eyes, wings, and a halo saying 'frick'. (vae)
[personal profile] papercraftsystem
This last week has been hell for a lot of us for varying reasons, and generally pretty distressing and exhausting all around. I kind of want to see if I can just yknow - see if I can plan a nice day for folks, or at least a half day where we can all just have genuine fun but I'm not really sure what we can do in the area. At least in our price range. :^/

🦌Vae

(no subject)

Sep. 20th, 2017 08:40 am
wyste: (Default)
[personal profile] wyste
 A few people are reading through Problem of Potions and commenting as they go, which is delightful. I can't really reply to every single one just because they're commenting almost every chapter, but it's fun.

I've switched to swimming every day, which so far is a nice change. It's encouraging me to pin down my morning routine, including setting up a tea machine and figuring out streamlining things. Tried the tea machine for the first time this morning, and didn't quite get the autostart working, but I figured out what I was doing wrong and my tea to water ratio is perfect. It's a very good tea. 

Breakfast was Chinese eggs and cabbage cooked in chicken broth, with green tea. Very good. 

I want to be writing more than I am. Life is proceeding well, but I feel like if I just focused, I could get so much more done.

Perhaps I will look up focusing/mental discipline exercises.
starandrea: (Default)
[personal profile] starandrea
"just give it one more try
to a lullaby, turn this up on the radio
if you can hear me now I'm reaching out
to let you know that you're not alone"
--nickelback, "lullaby"
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
[personal profile] sorcyress
At GenCon, I was summing up the job search thusly:

18 applications
4 interviews
1 second interview
Bupkiss.

This summer was way more frustrating about teaching jobs than it has been in the past, in no small part because I really truly was doing an awesome job of applying places. I thought I was doing relatively well at interviewing. Maybe my references weren't as good as they could be, but in general, I was really putting myself out there and trying...and still getting nothing.

On Wednesday the 23rd of August, I got a call --would you be willing to come in?
On Thursday the 24th of August, I had an interview.
On Friday the 25th of August, I got a call.

On Monday the 28th of August, my perfect birthday, I woke up unbearably early and biked to school. Monday and Tuesday were teacher days, Wednesday was the first day with students. It's now partway through the fourth week of school, and I have finally gotten the HR bullshit sorted out and a paycheck into my bank account and that means it's really truly officially real.

I am a professional high school mathematics teacher.

For the whole year, from the beginning. At a public high school, with all the diversity and benefits that implies. With five classes and about eighty students (a frankly amazing average ratio) and oh my _dear sweet weeping gods_.

I am fully, blessedly, employed, in a place I love, doing exactly the thing I want to be doing with my life. Yes, it's frustrating that all my work searching this summer was for naught, but I can forgive the universe its machinations.

I've been sitting tight on announcing this until it was real, and it's been killing me. No matter how much I will complain over the next ten months about the early mornings and endless prep work, I am so so unbelievably very happy.

On Monday, August 28th, I celebrated my perfect birthday by starting at my perfect job.

~Sor
MOOP!

FAQs: No I won't tell you where specifically online. Algebra 1, Discrete Math, and Calculus. Some 9th graders, mostly 12th graders. Yes the commute sucks less than the private school one. Yes the pay is better --I'm making a bit over $50k this year. Yes, I am so so so so happy.
aldersprig: (lock and key)
[personal profile] aldersprig
First: Slaves, School
Previous:  Seeing Things

🗝️

Desmond was exhausted.  He dragged himself from dinner to the dormitory with hardly a thought other than finding his bed and becoming as horizontal as possible in it.

::We have homework,:: the collar reminded him.  ::And it will not be

read on…

good life choices

Sep. 18th, 2017 11:45 pm
starandrea: (Default)
[personal profile] starandrea
I've done everything I was planning to do today and it is still a very reasonable quarter till midnight. Moreover I have finished book one of the Keeper Series, so there is nothing stopping me from going to bed and getting a good night's sleep.

...HA HA BOOK TWO HERE I COME ♥
starandrea: (Default)
[personal profile] starandrea
High Sensation-Seeking Highly Sensitive People (Elaine Aron)

It's like being a thrill-seeking introvert, I sometimes say, because I feel like that casually evokes some relevant associations even though it's awkward and imprecise. It's accessible, and that counts for a lot in communication, where being right isn't as important as being understood.

So someone once asked me, "How can you ever be happy?"

I was as baffled by this question as I was by the dentist who took one look at my bite (my upper and lower teeth don't meet in front or on the sides, only at the back two molars, a phenomenon which is largely invisible in everyday life even when specifically demonstrated as it just looks like I'm not biting down) and said, "How do you eat a sandwich?"

I... put it in my mouth and chew?

But the best part is, I'm a gemini with pisces ascendant and a libra moon. There are three astrological signs of duality, and I'm all of them. I'm always happy. And sad. At the same time, about exactly the same things.
aldersprig: (AylaWorried)
[personal profile] aldersprig
Chapter 45: Leofric
by Inspector Caracal


Wednesday, February 14, 2001

"Why is he fighting?"

"Heck if I know!"

"Leo, Leo, it's okay."

That voice, it was... "Zita?" Leofric blinked and looked around. Zita was standing in front of him, and he was in... a suite. A suite he didn't recognize. "Where are we?"

"We're in Sheba's suite. Howard's here, too. We rescued you."


read on...
lb_lee: A happy little brain with a bandage on it, surrounded by a circle and the words LB Lee. (Default)
[personal profile] lb_lee
There is a chestnut of misinformation on tumblr claiming that 'system' is a term made by DID folks, for DID folks, and nobody else is allowed to use it.  This is often wrapped up in the idea that multiplicity is owned by people with DID/DDNOS/OSDD, and anyone else claiming it is appropriating.  This is utter nonsense.  I've written numerous posts on this before, but here is the more thorough breakdown, first focused on the politics of this statement, and then the actual facts of reality.

The Politics: why this argument doesn't make sense, even under its own logic. )

The Facts: twenty-plus years of non-DID multiples using 'system.' )

(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2017 06:06 pm
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
[personal profile] sorcyress
So here's a thing.

Back near the start of June, Captain Awkward1 posted a link to the Ingrid Michaelson video "Girls Chase Boys". I'd seen it before, but not in a while, so hell yeah it was time for a rewatch.

And somewhere in the thirty or fifty rewatches I've done this summer, I came to a really striking realization about my sexuality. I feel queer2 or straight entirely independent of the gender of the person I am being attracted towards.

Like, this is probably a pretty logical end result of not having a gender myself. I can't be a lesbian if I'm not a woman3, but I'm also not able to be het with a woman if I'm not a man. Bisexual has served me fine as a term for years now (and queer even moreso). I am content and secure in my attractions4.

But it was a weird moment of clarity when I realized that the attraction I feel for the men in that video is decidedly queer attraction. And weirder still to realize that I can, and often do, feel straight attraction towards men. And continually weird to realize that my attraction towards women can be either queer or straight as well. Like, these are two markedly different feelings for me, apparently. They both have the same root (I want to get romantic and-or sexual with this person because I am aesthetically or otherwise pleased by them) but they feel different.

After some soul-searching5, I determined that a big part of what makes me feel queer vs straight attraction is whether the person I am attracted to is giving out queer vs straight signals. These can be either gender-queer or sexuality-queer, but apparently I save my straight attraction for the hets.

I don't know what to do with all this information. Hell, I don't even know if it's useful information to have, or if the back of my brain has latent transphobia in this regard (many of the attractive trans women I know are some variation of enby, almost all of them are sexuality-queer --I don't tend to feel straight attraction to people who I don't perceive as relatively straight, but would I automatically feel queer attraction to any trans woman, even a straight one?)

But it's a thing my brain is doing, and I like paying attention to those.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Captain Awkward is probably the single best advice blog on the internet, and I highly recommend pawing through her archives occasionally. She is better at teaching people how to be adults than just about anyone else, and I try very very hard to behave as would make her happy.

2: "Gay" would also be accurate here, but I very much prefer queer.

3: TRANS LESBIANS ARE LESBIANS. TERFS CAN FUCK OFF.

4: This is absolutely not true, I'm into a lot of straight men for an enby. The fact that I'm demonstrably more androsexual than gynosexual freaks me out on the regular, because boy howdy, is it hard to actually be "bisexual". But for the sake of this post, let's pretend I feel not-weird about myself.

5: Translation: Looking at a lot of different attractive people for science.

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